I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

This surely can’t be real….

@Tiredbut they are all ripping the arse out of your generosity/naivety. Please do not be embarrassed to bring up money, they are loving that you have not.
I sincerely hope you work out that this person has not got your best interest at heart.

Hi op I’m sorry you are in this situation but she might be saying I never asked you but she never said no you always pay let me or she has told her friends you are loaded and they are all taking advantage of you. I would literally say hey x money is really tight and I need to save up so we won’t be going out or having friends around for drinks or food unless you can pay or they can. The gravy boat has stopped I need to manage my money better for my dc hope you understand. My spending has to stop now before I end up in debt like you if I carry on the way I have been. No holidays, weekends away sorry. Then see how good of a partner she is. Honestly I hate people like this who never offer or expect it. Please stop now.

They are not materialistic because they cba working. They are being very materialistic with your money.
I can just imagine the conversation between the friends "oh it doesn't matter that we're all skint, Tiredbut will pay for out booze and food. Whilst we're there, let's drop hints at X cmg on holiday on Tiredbut's $, you know T won't like to mention money 😉 lol."
They think you are minted because you are spending like you are. You may not be using foodbanks atm, keep this up and you will be.
You can keep making excuses for this person, in reality, they are a bloodsucker.

Sorry, ut you seem to have a problem and I am not talking about what you have written!
Do you want to be a doormat?Do you want to be exploited?Do you think you are only worth a partner who not only sponges off you but encourages family and friends to do so as well?
If the answer is no to these questions then you know what you have to do.
You need to get rid of the whole lot of them and find a partner who respects you.
Surely you are worth more than this. ?Why do you feel you need to be a people pleaser. Maybe therapy would help you to become more assertive.

Why is it not “currently an option to end the relationship”? Are you being forced or something?
surely when writing your OP you see it for what it is?

Have you posted about this partner before? I remember a very similar thread about a same sex couple where partner was volatile and never met the kids, and never gave any financial contribution. If I recall correctly, it was the same advice there except the OP was adamant the sex was too good to end the relationship.

Apologies if its not you, but if it is, same advice will still apply. It's not going to get better!

Does she have a key? If so, change the locks. Just send a text: This isn’t working for me, Then block and ignore.

You and only you are allowing this.
Get rid of the freeloaders.
Start again on your own with a person who is on your level who reciprocates.
Why have you even allowed this .

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5346538-new-gf-taking-the-piss?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

This one?

Bloody hell. I've just read that thread, and there's some incredibly disturbing stuff going on beyond just the financial stuff.

She controls your social media, she's insanely jealous, and if you were to block her/end it:

She’d potentially have my car/belongjngs smashed up, persist, have her friends watch me from afar on social media, maybe threaten me, conspire against me, paint a picture that I’ve destroyed her at the lowest point of her life etc.

.... Because she's made these kinds of threats before, and not just to you.

She's psychotic and you need to get her out of your life.

I don’t if it is but there’s a lot of similarities that few PP have mentioned

Yes!! Great minds. Caveated that it may not be this poster but definitely similarities!

Your being taken advantage of , I'm sorry but this person is using you & so are their freinds please end the relationship you will spiral into debt as you will be constantly pressured into paying for them & their freinds, 10k on a new relationship is frankly insane & could have gone into savings or a lovely holiday with your children.. don't be someone's door matt & atm your worth more than that x

Of course it's her! Everything matches apart from the number of months she claims they've been together.

I’m quite angry at you OP. You know you are being financially abused and emotionally manipulated but despite having children whom you are happy to potentially deprive because of your own weakness and desire, you aren’t prepared to break free. You are completely complicit in your own victimhood and I’m angry on behalf of all the genuine female victims who don’t have your resources or ability and who would love to break free. When you destroy your own life and your children’s lives because of your own inability to act, please reflect on this thread. You deserve everything that is coming your way.

I hope it is! Imagine being taking these CF’s out there freeloading and blaming autism

Some people subconsciously enjoy being taken advantage of, acting the victim, staying in a messed up situation when they have options.
Grow up for your children. That money could be used for their future.

I mean imagine there being two of them!!

Exploitation is a common form of abuse in people who are ND. I feel you are being exploited because you are a kind and generous person.

Prioritise what you need to pay first, such as bills. Budget what you will have left over. Don't feel obliged to pay for others at all. Your DP should be paying for what the kids eat and Amazon etc. Don't be drawn in by suggestions that you're being mean. And if your DP is living rent free then it's time he stepped up. Tell him he needs to pay up or move out as you can't afford to have him living there without contributing.

Yes they will think you are super rich because you are spending as though you are.
Straight talker here. The fact you are now questioning your partner, their family and friends, tells me you are aware that their behaviour towards you paying for everything is unacceptable.
You only need to say 1 thing to them all, ATM IS OUT OF ORDER!!!!

I’m sorry OP but they are a twat. By allowing it to continue you are enabling it. Manipulation at its best arguing with you against it if you disagree …I see no reason you shouldn’t end this. Fuck all this abandonment issue shit , that’s not your problem. There is no excuse for them to be freeloading off you now because they had a shit childhood or past relationship. Human ATM is exactly what it is, it’s a transactional relationship you give I take . Once you are no longer useful they will leave you broke and blame you for it too.

Got to be the same poster.
Writing style is exactly the same.
And if they are writing multiple threads - which when challenged, the op became childishly defensive about, indicating that they can get ‘Angry ‘ and are not the Mouse they are painting themselves to be - So could actually tell their DP to leave IF they actually wanted to.
In conclusion they are just attention seeking and despite a full and busy life they , for some inexplicable reason have time for their DP bad behaviour, so need help to improve their self esteem.

Good grief. No doubt it's the same one. Honestly OP what are you getting out of this? If this is your first same sex relationship then possibly you are just in awe of the whole thing and the exciting novelty of it. That can be the only explanation. But it's clearly a shit relationship and she's a shitty person. There is very little about her to love and great sex will only get you so far. Let the scales fall from your eyes. She's no better than any abusive cocklodger of a bloke who takes advantage of a woman who craves love and stability.

She is cynically using and controlling you and any awful behaviour on her part is blamed on her delicate mental health, being ND, having a difficult childhood. So what? It may be true but it doesn't make her any easier to live with and it's not your job to fix it.

You are getting a saviour complex. Just give your head a wobble and get rid.