I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

TBH I don’t know why you even need to ask. You know they’re a load of CFs taking you for a complete mug.

Grow a backbone and tell them all, no more!

If that causes the end of your relationship, then it wasn’t worth hanging on to anyway.

Im remembering an occasion when a colleague phoned to invite hmself, his gf and two others around to my home because they were at a loose end. The first thing I said was that I budgeted for one and did not have the resources to feed four extra people. He immediately said "We will bring wine and pizza". It did not occur to me that it was embarassing or stingy to point this out to a bunch of randoms who had more or less invited themselves round. It wasnt a question of I dont have the money. More along the lines of if you invite yourselves you pay.

Please can we have an update OP?

What the hell have I just read? You are being exploited and ripped off by everyone around you - your partner and all the freeloading friends and hangers on.

You need to stop all of it right now. Stop paying for anything - don’t shell out another penny for anyone except youself and your kids. Don’t have anything more to do with the ‘friends’. And dump the partner.

It’s horrible to read about a generous good-hearted person like you being ruthlessly exploited like this.

You are being taken for a fool. They are freeloaders. The whole lot of them. No other words. You are seen as a soft touch.
But they are what they are. The problem is with you. You are being made a fool of. You shod be able to talk to your DP as equals but you obviously can't or won't.
We on .upset ca t tell you what to do. But we can tell you what we think of the relationship and we can tell you that that they are behaving very bay. Surely you deserve better.

I lost my business. The spending obviously had to stop as a result. Relationship probably part of the cause if I’m being completely honest with myself, though I’d never admit it in real life.

im having to claim benefits. I’m still in the relationship but it’s definitely not all happy and sunshine. Lots of arguing now. Very difficult situation. Please don’t anybody say just end it as it’s not that simple for me.

I feel foolish. I’m so depressed. My life has spiralled out of control and come summer I’m about to be homeless. My family are somewhat supporting me. I can’t believe this has become my life.

I‘m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t believe you still won’t break up with this woman.

Your poor kids. 🙁

OP, can you talk to your GP about what's going on? Tell them how depressed you are, and what caused it, and also that you're frightened of this woman. They may be able to help, but it sounds to me like you need counselling, and a lot of it, to unpick what has made you put up with the situation for so long.

Why would you not admit in real life that the relationship was the cause of you losing your business?

I know you've asked us not to say just get rid of her, but can I ask what EXACTLY it is that is stopping you? Do you actually know, and just don't want to tell us, or is she blackmailing you in some way?

Has she met your children yet?

What about your children OP? What’s best for them, what can you do so they don’t lose their home??

i’m very sorry things have gotten so bad.

Christ OP, so sorry to hear things have got so bad. There but for the grace of God go I.

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading
I spent YEARS with someone like this.

Some people are absolute experts at getting other people to pay for everything, but they turn it on you with things like "But you offered!" Of course you offered; it's set in stone that you will offer because you feel immensely privileged by comparison with their poor-me act. How could you not offer?! - even when you know, even as you're saying it, that you're shooting yourself in the head for the 100th time...

I remember talking till I was blue in the face trying to explain my finances (there was much more at stake for me e.g. mortgage, and in retrospect their disposable income was far greater than mine!), only to get comments like "I think you'll find you are more focused on money than me" ... as though they were the fucking reincarnation of Gandhi, when the only reason they didn't need to focus on money was because I paid for everything!

I'm still not sure how I lasted 6 years with this, but I was very lucky still to have a home at the end of it all.

After me, of course, they moved on to find another victim to leech off. A couple of decades on, they have lost their charm and looks and their life has imploded. (Whereas mine has gone from strength to strength.) Exploiting people and biting the hand that feeds is not a good long-term strategy in life.

All is not lost... yet. You need to be able to see through this bullshit situation.

I'm still not sure how I was so deluded back then; I wouldn't last 5 minutes in a situation like that now. I remember reading something, a couple of years ago, about neglectful parenting: you can grow up feeling you have to invest an enormous amount of effort in order to be seen/valued. I actually hate to describe my childhood that way because I love my parents, who did their best, but I can see that there were elements of that. It took me half a century to learn that you don't have to pay someone to show you love.

I bet you anything that, left to your own devices, you live much less extravagantly. Actually, rising to the challenge of being frugal can be very rewarding. Make it your NY resolution. Obviously the parasites have to go. Good luck OP 💗

i can’t believe the update.

you have ignored every bit of sensible advice you received back in July and yet here you are, losing your home, business and livelihood

let me tell you something- love doesn’t pay the rent!

I feel for your children

Wise up and put them first

I’ve just read this thread. Your partner presents as if she has a personality disorder. This won’t get better.

You need to break up with this woman. She's destroying your life.

It doesn’t matter who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong.

This relationship is a massive failure and needs to end.

Not sure what you're expecting from posters. This situation will probably continue, and you may end up in debt. Maybe counselling would help?

So sorry OP. You need help working out what is keeping you in this situation and how to stop. You might get some help from a domestic abuse service- please try. You sound like a generous kind person, but something has gone wrong with your self protection.

Yes, this. I have a similar personality. Why do we take on responsibility for people who show no respect for our own struggles?

I must tell you that there is a way out, but you must find it. I have been happily married for over a decade now to someone who would never take advantage of my kindness. I never did learn boundaries, and am not sure I ever will. But the primary lesson is to cut people out of your life who drain you. One day you might find someone who supports you fully, but until you do, it's better to be alone.

Her shit is not your problem. Seriously. I know you don't believe this, but it's true. And she knows it too.