I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

Yes, it's a very toxic relationship, isn't it? Just lying won't deal with what is - as you say - a situation with a parasite.

They're so rude. Horrible selfish people. 😒

Say 'I can't afford to wine and dine you' a few times and see what happens. If the relationship cools and the friends stop visiting, well, you've got your answer.

And OP I’m sorry but as for ending this not being an option - and this is not a relationship, it’s a swindle - I think you need to have a long think about why you’re saying that. You could end it if YOU chose to, what you need to do is figure out the steps to help you make that choice. For yourself and for your child. But starting with closing down that option is really worrying - you’ve only known this chancer for six months and you already don’t feel you can end it? How will you feel in another six months? A year?

Op you shouldn't have to pay someone to be in a relationship with you. Would you still want to be with her even if you weren't paying for everything? She doesn’t sound very nice.

I've been where you are, i thought that spending money on relationships and friends would mean they liked me and appreciated it. It didn't work like that, they became entitled and angry when my purse stayed shut. Being free and easy with your cash opens the door for users to take advantage.

I got rid of the users eventually, with some it was like prising limpets from a rock but i stayed away, concentrated on myself, gathered up some self esteem and now only tolerate equal relationships.

they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

Someone who cares for you wouldn't exploit you in this way. Take them at their word, you're stopping paying because you don't want to. If they kick off say money's got tighter lately as you've been spending more than usual.

Why are they so skint, do they work?

Are you sure you aren’t using neurodiversity as an excuse for abusive behaviour? You said you knew within weeks of beginning the relationship that something wasn’t right, and then you got her privately diagnosed at your own expense as neurodiverse and because of that diagnosis you can’t leave.

You sound very co-dependent and vulnerable and have created a narrative where you have to martyr yourself for this abusive woman who was throwing up red flags left and right to begin with, but it can’t be her fault because you paid a doctor to medicalise it and call it ‘neurodiversity’. What if she’s just a horrible abuser? Being neurodiverse is no free pass to treat people like she is treating you. She can be as ND as she can be, but she still has to be kind and loving and respectful.

And you may be ND too, but it doesn’t mean you get to open the doors for everyone to exploit you. You are worth more than that. You should be spending this money not on her and diagnoses, but on therapy and support for yourself so you can go out and flourish without letting everyone trample all over you like you are currently doing.

It’s not currently an option to end the relationship

Why not?

Yes, she's not really explained why not.

Get rid. They are using you for money and I suspect when the money dries up or you kick back and say no, they’ll be off like a shot

Hi OP.
I too am ND and have learned my lesson in funding others. It’s why I am still working and not retired as my savings/investments were frittered away, slowly at first and then less slowly. Then I was afraid of singledom. Now I am stiff of back and hard of nose. I pay only my own way as have been burned badly. Metaphorically speaking.

Please end this relationship, as other MNers have advised. I suspect that not only are you being financially abused but that you might end up being cuckoo’d. Your person is bringing their friends around to be wined and dined at your expense, how are they getting back? Are they staying over and eating the contents of your fridge and cupboards for breakfast and lunch? When will they stay all weekend, then all week. Before you know it, you will be a ‘guest’ in your own home. This is how these people work. They think that you are ‘all in’. Due to my old career, when much younger, I have seen similar with people who are deemed to be malleable.
It’s only been 6 months and they have taken you for £10k. That is half my annual take home pay - so to me that is a phenomenal amount of money. I get that amounts are subjective though. Have your DCs made any comment on your new partner/person? They may have an opinion if they can see you being asset stripped.

As they don’t drive, call them while they at your house if you can’t do a face to face. Heck, Phil Collins dumped his wife by fax, so a phone call is way nicer.
You sound a lovely, lovely person. There are folks out there who would love to date someone like you and who will respect your financial boundaries.

BTW, I am loving the gratitude month of August idea. I actually have ‘no spend’ months a couple of times a year. If dumping this person is not an option for you due to their volatility, definitely consider ‘no spend’ month. If it all goes well, double up and do ‘no spend’ September too. I’m betting that your person’s friends will melt away like morning mist on the river.

I wish I could give you a reassuring hug. Only I am ND and don’t hug, but consider one sent.

This is a nasty person you are seeing OP. She is abusing you financially and bullying you.
It sounds as if she knows exactly what she is doing.
Please get rid of her.
Have you got any genuine friends or family who could give you support?
Please try to find ways of building up your confidence so that you are less vulnerable to someone like this taking advantage of you.

This needs to stop. You are being abused.

You are leaving yourself very vulnerable here. IF, and I mean IF, they do ever sort out their finances your usefulness to them decreases and this could be the point where they walk away as you are no longer needed.

At the very least have a very firm, blunt but calm conversation with them that you are not paying to host their family like that again without any contributions. If their family wish to visit they can but THEY need to organise with them that they either feed themselves before they come or they chip in for the takeaways.

It sounds like you are treading on eggshells afraid of her kicking off and feeling exploited at the same time. That is no way to live and no relationship is worth that, so tell her things need to change, if she cares for you she will try.

Your cocklodger partner has put the call out, and now you've crowds of cocklodgers coming over.
You need to ditch ALL these shameless freeloaders, including partner.

Anyone who knows they're fucking potless, yet invites themselves plus several other broke people round to my house to eat a takeaway I paid for, I'd be fucking seething.

Do not invite this person or his friends or family anymore. Or buy them anything. It's not normal to just fund someone else because they claim to be skint. He's a grown man FFS. Get credit, get more hours at work, stop wanting things like takeaways you can't afford.

He's using you. Plain and simple.

Tell her you're tightening your belt, planning future, there'll be no more spending.
You deserve so much better, a partner who respects your kind heart, instead of this parasite that mistakes kindness for weakness.

very volatile all round really so it’s just not the time to address directly and/or consider ending it

When will the time be then, when you're bankrupt?

If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

So if she kicks off when you explain your new budgeting plan, you remind her that she gave you permission.

Seriously though, this actually is on the way to cuckooing. If she was just expecting you to cover restaurant bills and takeaways for the two of you, it'd be cheeky enough. But to regularly bring her friends along too, to take advantage of you, is actually quite sinister. She'd clearly told them that you'd pay, because neither did what normal people do, and ask how much their share was.

I voted Yabu for the simple fact that you are allowing these freeloaders to take advantage. You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. I know it’s going to be hard but you have to cut ties with your partner - block his number and that of his family and friends and get rid of him.

Have you read Bleak House OP? Your partner reminds me of the character Harold Skimpole. He was a non materialistic freeloader.

OP please STOP this ridiculous spending! You are being treated as a cash cow! Can you not see that? Tell them all to go away! They all sound very unpleasant. How long are you going to let this go on for? Give your head a wobble. You and your children may have unexpected serious need for something your money could buy but it has now been thrown away on these ghastly people.

Sorry op didn’t know she was a she anyway please get rid of her. All her issues are nothing to do with you, she’s a grown woman. I had the same thing a few years ago with a man, and he drained me, only now like five years later I managed to pick myself up.

If you can’t bear the idea of a swift clean break then take small steps.

First make your home a LOT less attractive to all the ‘extra’ guests by not stocking alcohol. That’s quite an easy one to start with because you can claim to be doing dry August and then like it so much you keep going.

Offer guests a cup of tea and a plate of digestives and that’s it.

Do not buy takeaways or cook for them.

Then with your partner start talking about taking turns doing a food shop.

Then taking turns paying for dates.

Taking turns staying at each other’s place.