I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

No more holidays with them too.

Twice in the first six months is way too much too soon.

Also stop being available all the time as a taxi driver.

And change your Amazon password etc to stop it being used by anyone else.

Tell them you need to economise and don’t have much coming in at the moment. Then see how they react, stop suggesting expensive takeaways and holidays. If they bring friends round let the wine run out. They will either step up, tell you they are happy to do cheap nights in or they will disappear and then you will know where you really stand.

I don’t think you owe her anything by putting her needs on abandonment above your own self preservation. You have helped her so so much and set her one the right path and she can access all the tools she needs to process everything she needs to- it sounds like she has a lot of issues with the volatility and it sounds like she needs to do this on her own. She is not dealing with her own issues and financil security whilst she is in a comfort zone with you looking after her every need. It’s not on you to fix her or feel guilty about ending a relationship that you appear to get very little out of.

If shes not ‘asking’ you to spend your money and it’s your decision then your lifestyles sound completely incompatible long term- you say she has potential to sort herself out financially but really, where is the incentive for her to do that if you bank roll her?

I also find it very hard to believe that a break up would come out of the blue- I think she knows exactly what is going on and the only thing she’d be surprised about would be it’s taken you so long to realise it yourself.

some people are only meant to be in our lives for a short time- this is a learning experience for you and an eye opener about where your boundaries should be - let this one go and move on wiser and happier.

Your post reads so bizarrely. It's like you think you don't have agency. Even the title - I've become a human ATM - you're not a machine whose buttons are being pressed, you're a person making choices!

I suspect there's shame at the heart of this, because otherwise the obvious solution is to a) speak up and b) change your actions.

For example - when people come round, tell them if you expect them to contribute food and drink beforehand. If you've not done so, suggest ordering a takeaway but only do so once you've explained to everyone that they'll all need to cover their share.

Don't do things with your partner that are too expensive for them to pay for and for you to cover. Tell them you can't afford it and you're going to need to make fun thrifty plans from now on together.

How is this so hard?!

If you find it difficult to be assertive I would orchestrate some kind of financial red alert from a third party.

If your bank offers a financial review or you can get one elsewhere, tell them everything and use their response to tell your partner it can't continue. 'Had a financial review with the bank today and they've raised concerns about my spending being unsustainable and I will struggle to remortgage my house'. Or 'debit card got declined today and I was shocked to see how much I've spent'. 'Pension advisor said I'm going to struggle in retirement unless I significantly increase my contributions and I can't do this with current spending'.

If they don't respect this you know where you stand and need to be firm for you and your kids' futures.

I know you said you paid for your partner to be diagnosed (I assume ADHD) but some of what you mentioned sounds like possible borderline personality disorder symptoms.

But whole friendship groups coming round for meal and wine or getting a meal out is taking the piss and shows a total lack of respect for you.

Good luck.

You need to get rid of these people from your life. You're being exploited. When you next go out do what the others are doing. Don't feel pressured into buying food, drinks, accommodation. You have bills to pay too

If you really can't face getting rid of her, which would be my advice, tell her that you have been spending above your means and are going to have to seriously economise. Then STOP subsidising her.
If she becomes "volatile" about it tell her to leave.
I think, sadly she will disappear when the money dries up but you are seriously better off on your own than with someone who is treating you like this.
Concentrate on yourself and your kids for a while and I hope you will eventually meet someone who treats you better.
It doesn't matter that this person has abandonment issues or is ND they are still abusing your kindness and it will have a knock on effect on your children.
For their sake if not your own stop this.
People tell me that I am not very assertive but I would have no hesitation in telling her that enough is enough.

Change the locks.
Put up a ring camera doorbell so you can see who's there and ignore.
Change all your passwords.
Text her the breakup so you don't back down.
Be brutal, you have to protect yourself physically and financially.

You’re a doormat. Stop letting people wipe their feet on you.

Why is ending the relationship not an option? It sounds like you’re too scared to be alone so you’re letting yourself be exploited. Your low self esteem isn’t going to improve if you keep treating yourself like this. Say no next time. What’s the worst that can happen? That they leave you and you know for certain all you were was a cash cow??

Agree.

Why would you not say that you have less money? Are you scared partner will leave if you do so?

If yes. Please end this relationship. Love yourself.

So... she's basically doing the same thing to you now that her boyfriend was doing to her? Is this sort of a thing where she unconsciously feels that there is karma that she should get back from you the money she gave to him? It's not your responsibility to "even out" the injustices in her world, especially if it's at the expense of your own children's futures. You have a responsibility to look after your children but no responsibility to look after this grown woman to whom you are not related.

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

I would love to hear the ex boyfriends side of the story. Maybe he lent her money he wants it back. The story does not add up at all.

This is another style of cocklodging, which OP basically means you are being used as a cash cow by not only your DP but also all her friends and family. I can guarantee if the money dries up you will not see any of them for dust (sorry if that sounds harsh). Maybe test that theory out...

She might be ND but that is no excuse for bullying, aggression and manipulation which is what she is doing. It is just an excuse. Would you treat a partner like this? Would you like one of your DC to be in a relationship like this one?

OP, children learn values from their parents , as they set them examples . I know they have't met the freeloader yet but what will they think when they do and see how you let and her friends her take, take, take ?

They will think it's normal and surely you don't want them to think that .

If you think anything of your children , get shot of this woman . It doesn't matter if it causes her to shout and scream , it'll only happen the once .

I would tell them ASAP that you won't be covering a takeaway etc next time it's suggested, say that you are reining in your spending and saving for your future, if they don't like it, tough and proves they aren't genuine friends

She is taking the piss OP. You sound like a very kind person but there are limits.

I just wonder if the OP is being honest here?

She says in her opening post.. "the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for."

'Signing up for'? It makes me wonder if this is an age gap relationship and if the OP signed up to be a 'Sugar Mummy'.

That would make sense because why would she pretend to be wealthier than she actually is otherwise?

Hard to advise when you clearly don't feel you can be direct. Only two things I can think of, have a more direct friend mention it, or fake a frozen bank account (eg fraud attempt) just before an event...that may have a good outcome eg she realises she's been taking you for granted or you realise you are being taken for a money pot and she's aware of it.
Either way whatever your choice it will be better for yourself & dcs if it came to a head sooner rather than later.
Good luck

Are her abandonment issues etc more important than your children’s financial security or even your financial ruin?

Offer cheaper snacks, no meals to crowd. Popcorn, crisps, dip etc. Maybe they will get the idea. Feeding your new friend alone is different if you'd like to splurge more there, but not extend to family and friends. Change your Amazon password and don't share it. Good luck!

I accidentally voted 'you're being unreasonable'. You are NOT being unreasonable. You are being used and that is not okay.
You CAN absolutely go back. NO is a complete sentence and you need to start saying that more - to everyone and ESPECIALLY to your dp.
10k in 6 months (without the holidays) is crazy work and the fact that they are bringing friends and family(sister) to freeload off of you is awful.
You need to cut it (the spending) out.

your ´dp’ is a cheeky fucker of the highest order and you’re letting them mug you off at this point. Stop.

That's not your problem - but it will be when you get into debt and I don't think any of them will be helping you out. You have been very nice but you don't owe them anything so stop feeling guilty. Stand up for yourself.

They take you for a mug, 9 bottles of wine, if they want wine they bring their own, want takeaway they pay. Get rid of your partner it's one sided relationship, your DC should be priority.