I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

Is this guy really ND or just saying he is so he can take advantage of those who are. This happens, sadly.

I would just break it off. He is an asshole either way.

It's a woman, but the same applies.

Yabu to expect that the world is going to treat you well and that you can abdicate yourself of responsibility for managing your own life (by not using your voice).

You're not going to fix her; she'll just bleed you dry financially and emotionally then move on to her next victim.

Dump her and block her promptly then "fix" yourself.

Buying relationships like this will never build your self esteem because deep down you'll always know that the foundations of the relationship are wrong.

Put yourself and your children first. Only give what you can spare after those needs and that security is fulfilled.

Healthy relationships are those where there is mutual respect, trust, communucation and being comfortable to be yourself.

She's not a lesbian, neither is the other woman

Eh? You're going to have to explain that one for me!

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

This is how she would describe your generosity to others, if you held her accountable for it (which you won't because it's better to draw a line under it and move on with your life).

She's bi

Don’t end the relationship, end the spending. See if the relationship survives.

If you need more help than is offered here, please consider contacting Switchboard or Galop. This type of financial imbalance leading to abuse is sadly not uncommon in LGBTQ relationships.

https://switchboard.lgbt/

https://www.galop.org.uk/

Right, but two women who are together are basically in a lesbian relationship, aren't they?

It's just labels, but "lesbian" is used to mean someone who would never be drawn to sexual relations with a male.

Does he even have genuine feelings for you?

If he loved you or even cared, he would not treat you this way.

Does he have a job?

Not RTFT but I’ve read all the OP.
This woman is AWFUL
She’s taking @Tiredbut for EVERYTHING she can.
The second you run out of money @Tiredbut She. Will. Be. Gone.

It won’t.
Is that what you’re scared of @Tiredbut?
You can’t buy love ….

Under no circumstance should you be paying everything for your partner, let alone her family and friends! Absolute CF of the highest order. They’re taking you for a complete ride. Tell her you’ve been hit with a massive tax bill, you’re in financial ruin, and see how long she hangs about.

Also, her trauma is not your responsibility. You didn’t giver her it, and you don’t owe her anything.

I'm ND OP but that doesn't define me. I'm not a mug and I wouldn't let anyone get away with these awful people's behaviour.
It isn't your place or duty to provide for these disingenuous freeloaders.

"3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister" are you even certain that woman was his sister?
Either way this man is horrible to you. However hard it is to say no, you have to. Its the only way to save yourself and get some real answers along the way.

Autism has affected my whole life and has made maintaining relationships very difficult. The long term relationships I have had usually ended up with someone exploiting me. I stayed in the worst relationship for years because I thought it was the best I would ever get.

I'm almost fifty now and decided a few years ago I would just stay single. It's been liberating, I never liked sex much anyway and bollocks to all the people suggesting I must be lonely, I have good friends and family.

No relationship is way better than an abusive one.

The partner is a woman.

Can you just say something like you’re had a word with a financial advisor as part of a yearly review and you need to rein it in a bit? Maybe you could actually say it’s cost you 10k in six months and advise you’re horrified by that figure as it means you’ve much less to spend on takeaways, meals out and holidays so you’ll need to have six months of just basic living and whilst friends can come for meals they’ll all need to bring a dish and a bottle to contribute. I bet he wouldn’t like that and then you’ll see he’s just not committed and interested in only money.

Ignore the advice to lie. That's not going to help you to deal with this, or similar future issues. Just be honest and get this person out of your life.

She sounds a right catch. However, she's hit the jackpot with the OP, hasn't she? She won't go quietly because this type of parasite won't want to give up this lucrative goldmine without being dragged away kicking and screaming.

"partner" is sorting their finances out very nicely thank you - by getting you to pay for everything.
They aren't a partner - more a freeloading CF

If for some unfathomable reason you cant end the "relationship", match their spending and input - you eat together and its basic pasta or similar - not expensive take out for him and his extended family FFS.
if you stop being an ATM - as you have described yourself - DP is likely to find it a lot easier to end the relationship than you do, Stop being a mug.

OP I hope you’re feeling ok. From all you’ve said in your replies and how she is treating you it sounds really upsetting. And I don’t want to cause you more upset but you refer to her as your ‘partner’. But you’ve only known her for half a year and she’s showing zero signs of being interested in you that way.

To be blunt, her behaviour is not of someone who considers you her partner but her mark - someone who is an easy target for a hustle, to take advantage of and to essentially use to get what she wants. If she was really so sensitive about money she’d be sensitive about how much you’re spending and at least say thank you and check if you’re ok to spend it - not expect it and worse get her friends involved.

Her being ‘sensitive’ about money and volatile with any criticism is a perfect method to keep you from speaking up, it’s manipulative and it’s what con artists do. This woman does not care about you and that must be painful but please care about yourself enough to get her out of your life before she takes further advantage of you or worse erodes your sense of self until she has wedged herself so firmly into your life she impacts you negatively long term and ruins your finances - and has god only knows what impact on your child who she’ll eventually drag into it.

Right now you say she won’t meet them but in time these types will push the boundaries more and more until before you know it she is living with you full time and draining you for everything plus being a negative influence on your child (which she is already indirectly being since she’s causing you so much stress)

spend some time figuring out your boundaries and then you can find someone who actually is able to be a partner and sees your value - not on what they can con out of you but in you as a person.