I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

You’re being abused and now the friends are joining in - next time the kids are away just say you can’t afford to do a M&S shop and suggest a night just watching a film or something and see their reaction

I realise how that last sentence sounds btw!
they don’t drive so I’m constantly picking up and dropping off, I’ve had my tank filled by them once. They’re not really happy to just sit indoors.

very volatile all round really so it’s just not the time to address directly and/or consider ending it

Why, exactly, is ending it not an option?

Oh and change the PIN or whatever so they can't order films

dp isn’t materialistic at all

Yes they are.

I’m not sure they’re freeloading

Yes they are.

I had difficulty choosing how to vote. Of course YANBU to be annoyed at being used this way, but YABU to let it continue. You have to say something. You can't afford to keep paying, but honestly, even if you could, you shouldn't allow yourself to be taken advantage of in this way. It's time to find some righteous indignation and act on it. How dare they use you?! Don't let them!

Wtf. This sounds like exactly the time to end it.

You describe it as a 'newish' relationship.

How long have you been together.

They think you’re rich because you don’t have the normal boundaries that you need for their respect and your own self-respect. You’ll never be happy with this bunch of freeloaders - I would split with him.

If they’re staying with you without contributing to your costs, they’re freeloading. If they’re happy for you to pay for food and drinks for their friends, they’re freeloading. If they’ll happily let you pay for their holiday (and their friend for good measure) they’re freeloading. No matter how nice, hot or kind they may be, if they’ll happily let you pay for everything they’re freeloading.

I’m sorry, as this will be difficult to hear, but he is using you. A relationship should be equal but this is not, he is taking advantage of your generosity and (sorry again) I woudl suspect that he has encouraged his family/friends to expect you to pay for things. Please stop this in order to protect yourself - I think you should stop the freeloading from him and most definitely from his family friends. Respect yourself and please don’t let anyone take advantage of you in this way. Your money is primarily for yourself and your children, the mine being spent on him and others is money you could be using to make your life more comfortable now while saving for your future. No one can tell you what to do here, it’s entirely up to you but perhaps a conversation that you don’t feel respected or appreciated, and that it’s entirely unfair that you are covering his costs which must stop. Think about stopping buying in the groceries for when he’s there, test him to see if he’ll put his hand in his pocket. Most certainly don’t offer to buy takeaways etc when his family etc visit - let them go hungry and thirsty, they’ll soon leave! Take control of your life

Cross posted, sorry.
ok, so when WOULD be the time to address it? When you’re on your uppers?!
Though I think by that time you wouldn’t see them for dust anyway. When you can no longer bankroll them.

Sounds like you've been cuckooed. Someone is taking advantage of your vulnerability and bringing others over to do the same. They're completely and utterly exploiting you.

You need to end this relationship, chalk it up to experience and watch out for red flags so it doesn't happen again.

Well funny you should mention the house as if I ask for anything to be done e.g help sweep it’s as if I’ve asked a hormonal teenager. It’s either “in a minute” or it just doesn’t get done. I’m teased for being “pristine” but there’s no real help with housework. Could count on one hand how often things have been done off their own accord and I’ve been uber grateful as it seems rare 🤦‍♀️

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

why do you think that? She is making sure to spend as much of your money as possible, including inviting her friends around to spend your money as well. You're a cash cow.

Omg run for the hills. Speak to refuge if you feel your partner will be volatile if you end it and make a safety plan. But you do need to get out

As soon as their money worries are sorted or they get a better meal ticket they will be gone.

Surely, you must be able to grasp you are paying for this relationship. It’s transactional on their part.

Change the locks on your house. End it. No excuses.

This is actually hitting home for me.
the last few days are the first time I’ve thought it needs to stop. I haven’t felt respected in general but it’s a whole other thread

OP I don’t understand why you can’t leave them. When you say it’s volatile, are you worried about physical violence?

You can't afford a sugar baby. You have kids and an unstable income.

You say you can't break up. That's ridiculous, of course you can. Tell them you're broke and can't be their wallet and see how long they stick around. But that's what you're afraid of.

You're unreasonable for not saying no to a leech who has sucked 10 grand out of you in 6 months. Wake up and smell the coffee and dump them.

Friends and family have been invited a few times. It’s quickly became the norm. The first time I was equally annoyed for the same reasons. I’d forgot about that until just now! 9 bottles of wine (!!!!) which I don’t buy mega cheap stuff. And grazing table paid for by a professional and didn’t get a thank you then either.

10K on meals and hotels in 6 months? A lot of people only get around £20 K all year. If you're rich and happy to spend it, that's no one's business, but then you probably wouldn't have posted.

• Gross Annual Salary (before tax): £12.21/hour 37.5 hours/week 52 weeks/year = £23,809.50
• Estimated Annual Take-Home Pay: Approximately £19,250

Why do you stay in this relationship? Are you scared of being single?

It’s complex. They’re ND and only recently diagnosed privately through me at my cost as I knew within weeks something wasn’t right. Helping each other in that way and would feel shitty to abandon somebody knowing traumas, abandonment issues etc. they are also generally very explosive so it wouldn’t be a clean break. I would also feel like a love bomber as they’d be blindsided by me ending it given the life they have with me

Is she living with you?