I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

You know the answer to this.

You are being financially exploited. Please seek help

Sort it out OP or you’ll end up in massive debt.

This is not a partner you need. You are being used. Tell him you can't pay for things from now on and see if he sticks around.

Ah come on, they’re taking the piss!

That’s not a relationship, it’s freeloading.

Get rid.

Take control.
I know it's not easy to say no but you need to.

Have boring nights in, healthy simple meals at home. Don't supply takeaway and wine to half the world.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

With yourself? Yes absolutely. You've allowed yourself to be taken for a mug.

"the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for."

What exactly did you sign up for/to?

A Sugar Mummy/Daddy website?

Nothing will change if you don’t say anything. They’re right to say if you don’t want to, don’t. You don’t like the thought of saying no or being ‘tight’ but as a result you’re just being exploited.

Csn I ask, can you say no to your children? I’m worried they will grow up always ready to put their hands out.

You have to understand that saying a cheerful ‘not this month, I’m saving for next year, let’s just go for a walk’ is a strong thing to say, not tight or wrong.

thanks for the responses. I guess Nobody here can solve my financial recklessness, or my (if I dig deep) low self worth. There’s tons of red flags but I just can’t seem to contemplate ending it. There is potential if their finances were sorted out (which there is scope for). It’s not currently an option to end the relationship. It’s more a question of if/how I should say something about their family and friends

You don't want to say you won't pay because you fear that will end the relationship. Let me assure you, you deserve to be loved for yourself and you will be.
But I suspect this one only loves you for your money and generosity.
Show him and his freeloading, exploitative friends the door.
How dare they treat you like this?

No decent partner would take advantage like that, you will be better off without him. Who expects their new partner to pay for everything, not only for them, but for their family and friends too? And you're spending that kind of money on a newish partner when have kids - why??

Get rid of him, and talk to your therapist about why you've got into such a relationship, please. You're worth much more.

Come on OP people are using you.

from now on say “I can’t lend anything I am broke”

do not order multiple bottles of alcohol and takeaway for people or yourself when you are skint. If irresponsible. Better to be embarrassed than in debt.

if you feel cornered give you apologies and go to bed with a headache and pot noodle and leave them to sort themselves.

Truthfully you need to consider if you’re vulnerable to this, as it sounds exploitative.
They know how you won’t bring up money and so continue to push for more.
End it before you get stuck in debt

This isn't a relationship, it's a pisstake joke. Improve your self-esteem. Why do you accept this?

You should never have to pay for company or sex.

I knew someone in your position some years back, except it was a colleague she was treating to everything rather than a partner.

She got herself into massive debt, and had a breakdown eventually, and the colleague she had been treating just disappeared because the gravy train had stopped.

Your partner has made it very clear where they stand, you spoke to them and they went into defensive mode about it.

That tells you all you need to know.

Why are you twisting yourself into a pretzil to describe this person without telling us their sex?

I mean it's unimportant, but mildly annoying.

You are being used by your partner and now the friends.
Take a friend on holiday? I’m so sorry you’re being used like this. I imagine if you said you were broke or needed to tighten the purse strings, they’d be off

You have to cut this off immediately. They would walk out the door if the money ran out. Put yourself first.

This isn’t a male partner I’m bi sexual.

their friends for sure saw me coming as there were comments early on about me being “boujie” and my car and house. I live week to week as I’m paid weekly freelancing so money is very much up and down. One week I’m rolling in it the next I’m broke.

I think they think I’m super rich

You’re being unreasonable for being a total utter mug.

of course you can go back from this. But you need to use your words.

what does your partner bring to your life other than expense and stress?

why do you feel you can’t say anything?

you have been together 6months and spent £10k including 2 hols? And now you are not paying your bills?

you are being used and you are shortchanging your own future and your kids future too.

you need to say no.

Plus, money is being taken away from
your kids, whether thats money for now or the future.

The 10k doesn’t include the holidays actually.

and yes my kids don’t want for a thing between me and my ex, however the last fortnight I’ve found myself with no cash for them for the first time ever. It’s given me a wake up call.

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

Why do you feel you have to buy her and her friends?

It’s not currently an option to end the relationship

Yes it is. Don’t be daft.