I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

Come on OP. Wake up.
You are totally being taken for a ride and are enabling this abuse.

You know this is ridiculous.

You are being abused.

Just end it and reclaim your life.

(Just in case this is real…)

https://www.galop.org.uk/helpline

How long have you been together OP?

She is using you and her friends and family are enjoying the ride.

You need to stop this nonsense now. You should not continue with this relationship. You need to end it and be done with them all.

They are users, every single one of them.

They should be embarrassed.

Well you can either end it now and put up with whatever it is you fear will happen but at least be solvent going forward, or you can let it go on and on until you are totally broke and buried under a heap of debt, possibly with the threat of bailiffs or debt recovery and your partner will find that the ATM is no longer paying out and end the relationship herself which will result in you still having to confront your feared situation. And then deal with your financial problems.

Why can’t you end the relationship? Are you a prisoner?

So you paid for 5 extra meals. It's a pity you didn't say beforehand that each could pay their own. Hindsight is 50/50 ! Going forward, refuse to pay for anyone else including DP. Say you've had an unexpected bill. Or tell the truth.
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I can hardly bear to read this. It’s upsetting to see someone so obviously kind and generous as you be completely taken advantage of. You will end up penniless at this rate, it sounds as though your partner is happy to bleed you dry. I would advise you to seek appropriate therapy while you still have the funds to do it.

You haven’t love bombed: they’ve manipulated your issues with money to take advantage of you and exploit you!!! THEY are the one who should feel awful for how they treat you.

Also, their traumas and abandonment issues will NEVER go away, and the longer you stay the harder it becomes to untangle yourself. Get out now. If they explosive now, that will only be worse after a year or three years.

If you tell them you are broke, financially empty, and they then leave you that tells you everything you need to know about them. They sound awful.

I’ve just seen your updates. So yes you are being imprisoned by their volatility. Yes you need to end it. Even better they don’t drive, have a chat at theirs. Get in your car and leave. Don’t go home stay somewhere else for a week.

First things first, you have no need to feel embarrassed about saying that you simply cannot afford to carry on paying for everything. You are responsible for paying your bills and expenses, that is all. You could have a stash of money in the bank and STILL not be responsible for paying for other people, that is on them, not you.

Secondly, there is a big difference between being occasionally voluntarily generous and being taken advantage of by people who are nothing more than freeloaders and unfortunately the latter seems to be the case here. You need to explain to your DP that in future you will not be providing food, drink, films or anythingelse for DP, DP's sister and hangers on; that M&S food shops have ceased and in future food and drink will be from Aldi or Lidl and going forward you expect 50:50 bill splitting; that you will be paying for your holiday and only your holiday.

This is the best thing you can do for your self respect and bank balance. .

You have kids, so think of it like every frivolous pound spent on this ingrate (because that's what they are thus far!) is taking a pound away from them, be it for extra curriculars, savings for their future, whatever.

Come on wake up,

im just beyond speechless that you say you can’t end this relationship, she’s taking you for a ride, she’s a TAKER and she’s taking FROM YOUR CHILDREN

stop spending the money on her, stop buying nice food, don’t have wine in. If she asks friends round just smile sweetly and say you don’t have any money this week, little Tommy needed shoes of little Lucy needed a coat. Make it clear your children come first and there’s no more money in the pot. And as for holidays just pay for you and your children. I’m sorry but you won’t see her for dust

You are letting this happen to you. Your partner is taking advantage and knows what they are doing. They have actually told you not to if you don't want to.

What's worry me is that you know all this but won't walk away even though you have kids. You need to be financially stable for them and are risking this because you can't cut ties.

There's no point saying I know what I need to do but can't, you are going to have to put yourself first and get rid of this leech.

That 10k could be in a bank account saving to help your child buy a house. Or put them through Uni.

This is ridiculous, lady
ND or not, please, why.....
you see I am not giving even my husband money from my wage because he was not sharing his finance with me in the beginning but was paying for me. However I did not have an income when we met and then we married and I quickly got pregnant. So it was different, he had to buy all things baby etc.

I restarted work but he keeps not sharing his details with me nor showing me the bills despite me wanting to buy certain things. Please, protect yourself financially.

simple.. sit him down and explain that your circumstances have changed recently and that unfortunately you need to strip back on all expenses.
Not only he is freeloading from you, he also get his family and friends too!
Perhaps you are worried that he won’t stick around if all benefits goes!? Test him. Analyse his reaction! Don’t let people use you like that!

You are having the absolute piss taken out of you!!!!

If you’re looking for an excuse to dump this freeloading family of chancers just tell them you’ve been made redundant so it’s game over and youre going to have to move to xyz town miles away as your mothers needing cared for after falling down the stairs and breaking a hip so you think it’s best to split up now as it’s not fair on you (gf’s name) Im sorry. Byeeeee.

Go away for a few days rest and come back once they’re out of your life.

I voted YABU because unless you say something, they are not going to know it's a problem for you. You've been (over)generous and continue to do so because you're too embarrassed to say anything. You've really got to speak up and take responsibility for your actions and your finances.

End the relationship. Of course it's an option.

What help would be available?

I voted YABU because you're not being honest. That's no one's fault but your own. It's nothing to be embarrassed about but circumstances have changed. What kind of a relationship is this where your can't even tell your DP that?

Spending 10k that you don’t have on a new partner when you have kids is extremely irresponsible come on OP.

dont let nervousness or embarrassment stop you from protecting your children from this leech.