I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

By explosive do you mean physically abusive?

Are they blackmailing you?

Because why you wouldn't put a stop to this blatant financial abuse when you have kids to provide for is beyond me unless you bring in factors like blackmail and fear of physical abuse.

What, you think they'll somehow get less volatile as time goes on and they get more accustomed to sponging off you? Come on, wise up.

You don't need to say anything if it makes you uncomfortable, just stop spending money. If people come over, don't order takeaway and wine. Don't spend money on holidays. Don't buy him gifts. It's all within your power.

this

I'm not sure what you looking for here. Ending it isn't a consideration, nor it seems is stopping the freeloading lifestyle. You want to stop throwing your money at her friends and family but because she's volatile you can't.
So the only option is to give her all your money until you have none left for you or your children.
Or get some help as to why you cannot say no and would rather be in a hole than put your own interests first

YOU have spent 10K in 6 months.
DP has paid for 2 meals.

Do you see the issue OP?

END the piss take relationship now.

What a bunch of free loading leeches!

OP, I very rarely comment on these types of posts but Jesus…come on! That’s infuriating to read about.
I honestly don’t understand how women with children allow this sort of shit to happen with new partners, you’ve been with her for such a short amount of time, why didn’t you end it the second or became obvious what was going on?
Why are you putting the needs of a woman you have known for six months (and her friends and family) above those of your own bloody children? Because make no mistake, that IS what you’re doing.
Why do her needs override yours and those of your children?

you really need therapy to figure out the reason you feel so unable to end what amounts to an awful and damaging relationship.

If you don’t, you’ll end up flat broke, potentially lose everything and your kids will suffer and may or may not forgive you.

I voted YABU because a lot of people will just take what you give. If you've never set boundaries how is she to know that you aren't just delighted to help out? You don't need to break up immediately but you do need to set firm boundaries and end the relationship if DP can't accept those. Clearly set out expectations of things being split 50/50, no expectations that you will pay for anyone else to do anything- if people can't afford it they don't get it, tough luck. No gifts etc except for special occasions. And DP needs to help with housework - if you cook she washes up or vice versa. Give her clear warning that if she won't do any of that you will need to rethink your relationship. That way she won't be blindsided when you end it.

You are mad. And you’re being a pushover. You are being exploited. You know what you need to do. Bin your p and his greedy freeloading mates. Yuk. You’re worth more than this.

@Tiredbut sorry, you’ve done enough for this person you call DP. Please, please dump her sorry arse and friends and family and take back control. I don’t know you but I desperately want to see you get out of this awful dynamic. They are all taking the piss.

No not physically but arguments get very heated very quick and it’s like talking to a brick wall she CANNOT see the other perspective. But she would say I’m like that (not aggressive but have a rude tone she says) so I guess it depends who’s telling the story.

has history of being physically aggressive on plenty of occasions but never in a relationship. She’s one of those people that see red I think. The smallest arguments can go on for weeks. I’m learning ways to say things are bothering me without causing an argument but it’s extremely difficult. I get blindsided by getting pulled up on a random afternoon about something I’ve said 5 days ago whilst doing something completely unrelated, then I’m naturally baffled by it getting brought up and my confusion is cause for a huge argument. And so on and so on.

Each time you get paid put the money you don’t need for immediate bills into a savings account. Then if they expect you to buy you can say that you’ve only got enough for bills in your account this week. It will be a true statement.

If you can’t leave right now (which I think you should) then start breaking the pattern of you being in a position to pay for everything.

edited for clarity

This is fucking ridiculous to read. You’re just making excuse after excuse after excuse. Crack on!

Who bloody cares op.

You are a parent and need to act like an adult. Honestly even if you are and, this has gone past ridiculous and you keep saying you know you're being used but aren't doing anything about it.who cares if they were recently diagnosed - you need to do wats best for you,!

This is what I’m thinking. But I’ll find it excruciatingly awkward. I know that’s my issue. I can’t picture how it will go. Then there’ll be hints and I’ll cave!

sorry struggling to keep up with replies

Also if you don't deal with this there's a high chance when you end up drowning in debt and unable to pay your bills DP will ditch you and move on to someone that can keep being her cash cow. Please, please get some therapy to help you address this. Urgently.

You're choosing to be an abused doormat, and I would and DO say exactly that to women. The choice is entirely yours. End the relationship or continue to be an abused doormat.

Ah damn I pressed the wrong voting button. I don’t think this new partner is good. They should be seeking equity, it’s possible to plan a special evening even if skint. It also seems they are not bringing out the best in you, if you don’t feel you can be honest.

And it’s not even as if the relationship is great. Red flags everywhere!! What is keeping you with them?? You owe them nothing. I’d save your money for counselling.

Oh no this changes things. What was looking like financial abuse is clearly a much larger abusive picture. Please get out now OP - don't morph into someone you aren't and change everything to make someone's life easier. Please think about your kids and call Women's Aid.

What are you getting from this relationship? You are not being treated with the consideration you should reasonably expect of a loving partner. You ought to have a long hard look in the mirror until you realise this relationship is one in which you give and she takes. It’s emotionally draining as well as unaffordable. It’s arguably a form of financial abuse. My strong recommendation is you end it and chalk the costs up to experience.

What?!?

Honestly OP, kindly, please, get a bloody grip!

You don’t owe this person anything.

If you can’t accept that you owe it to yourself, then I will say you owe it to your kids to reclaim your life and finances.

Seriously you do.

Tomorrow.

Oh come on OP your so called partner is well and truly freeloading off of you and is absolutely laughing in your face by inviting their friends and family to scrounge off you as well.

They saw you coming but you’re facilitating their scrounging. You know you’re being exploited but you don’t seem to care. You’d rather stay with this fanny freeloader than find your self respect.

You either dump the piss taler or accept you just hand over every penny you have in your desperation to keep her.

OP, just dump your partner please and go cold turkey.

Rethink your social life. Meet out for meals, but only pay for yourself. Or picnics, where you just take your own food, or drink out and you buy 1 round.

Time to change.

You need to get this person out of your life and away from your children. This woman is exploiting you and is dangerous. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children, because they are the ones that are losing out here.

Every day you stay with her, you are choosing her over your children. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Let that sink in.