I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

I think you should tell them excitedly that in August you are planning to try out this great new gratitude activity you have heard about called "spend nothing month" where you only pay for your essential medical needs, housing and utility/insurance/tax bills, transport to/from work only, and food/hygiene item shops of basic/value ingredients (you are allowed to use up store cupboard items and use possessions that you already own however you want though).

Then do it! (you don't want to lie)

I predict that there will be much anger, criticism, mocking, trying to pretend they think you are joking, and sadness from your (freeloading) partner, which will demonstrate to you that they are in fact not a team player willing to try a cool new thing out with you for one month, but a leech.

Tell her you've no more money left and she'll dump you anyway, so job done.

Then be more careful with your next partner.

You can't buy a relationship OP.

You made reference in one post to ‘helping each other’

I can’t see one single example of her helping you. Plenty of you putting yourself and your children’s needs and finances second to a volatile, ungrateful parasite who is taking you for an absolute mug
Its abuse, pure and simple.

If he genuinely cares for you, if you tell him that you’ve no money or can’t afford to do x, y, z any longer he will support you, and help you financially. He won’t mind nipping to Aldo for a takeaway pizza and sit and watch a movie, he won’t care the holidays won’t go ahead, he’ll stop his friends and family asking you for financial assistance.

If the above doesn’t happen when you say you can’t afford your current lifestyle any longer, dump him.

Nobody falls in love quicker than someone that needs a place to live or a person to pay for their lifestyle..
Would they be with you if you didn’t pay for everything?

This is truly upsetting to read. Op you are in an abusive relationship. She sounds horrific, please please get rid of this awful person.
And you are a mother - what on earth is it like for your poor children (who are ultimately being denied what should be theirs) to be witnessing this toxicity.
Volatile sounds like a euphemism for nasty bully.

You are being used.

Only you can put a stop to it.

If you are scared of losing a volatile person who uses your money and brings people round who also use your money then all I can advise is seeing your gp to talk about the possibility of accessing talking therapy.

OP, I’m another person who rarely posts but feel yju need the advise to help you take control of your life.

you are not responsible for this person, and most importantly you are not responsible for how they will react to you stopping paying for things (which I think u need to do so immediately, not so much as a loaf of bread!). or how they react if you decide to end the relationship. Their gender is neither here nor there. You’re being used and abused. Hold your head up high, you’re not in the wrong here, she is - but please put a stop to being taking advantage of and don’t ever let anyone take advantage of you again.

if you decide you o have a chat to say you’re no longer funding everything and/or ending it then don’t do that in your home, do it in a neutral place, maybe a public place, so that you can walk away (and they won’t be in your home if they do kick off)

She’s a nasty freeloading piece of shit common or garden abusive cunt.

Why are you happy to lay down like a doormat and beg her to wipe her feet on you again and again - and the. Invite all and sundry to join in with the abuse?

Get out now before the abuse ramps up even further- read up on others in your situation who have ended up being bankrupted and tortured just to keep their cashpoint t going.

She hasn’t met my dc and won’t be.

my birthday was in April, she insisted we go out but I didn’t feel like it, I was persuaded eventually so she brought her friend and I brought mine (she’d pushed for us to go on a weekend trip but nobody was suggesting paying for one just kept asking me if I’d booked so that’s why it ended up being a meal). I paid for the whole meal in a very nice London restaurant. I couldn’t believe no one offered to pay other than my friend. I’ve since mentioned it and she said well I didn’t know you that well then. It felt very very icky!

You need to work on your self esteem OP, it must be on the floor

Seriously find your voice and anger and stop being a complete and utter walk over. Why are you letting this happen?!

I just feel angry with you @Tiredbut reading this. You're definitely being exploited and you know it. I don't think your partner loves you because when you love someone you don't want to take advantage (and let friends and family take advantage!) of that person.

You say she's not materialistic. She is though, with your money. She's a CF showing up with friends at your house to be fed. I can hear them saying "let's go to Mug to eat". You need to find your anger. You are worthy of love and respect OP. You are setting a very bad example for your children by letting yourself being abused. End this NOW.

So you're afraid they could go there if you tell them it's done.

Have a trusted friend or family member there and up your security. Reinforce those deadbolts. Cameras. Phone charged and on you so you can record.

Are you seriously willing to go into debt and fuck your kids to pay for this freeloader and her posse?

And get therapy.

So if you said to this woman “look, I can’t keep subsidising you. It’s leaving me without enough for my kids”, she would go apeshit, sulk, argue that you should pay for her - and her family, and her friends? She’s not a partner. She’s not a good person.

Have I missed a sensible and understandable reason why OP can’t end his relationship right now?

This is actually such a good idea

Ffs you have kids!!! Every single penny this freeloading cunt is rinsing you for is literally taking food out of their mouths

Get some self respect ffs and put your kids first

they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

So simply say you don't want to do it any more. There doesn't have to be any fuss or drama. Call her bluff.

Seriously you can’t be this desperate for love. He definitely saw you coming.

You shouldn't feel awkward, you should be furious. You are being used! Tell her the money is all gone and mean it. FFS.

There doesn’t need to be a big shown down if you don’t end the relationship, but instead close down the atm, i’m sure she’ll be off to find a new victim. You deserve better than having your kindness taken advantage of.

No she would say well I didn’t ask you to so why are you trying to make me feel bad about it

once I said something along the lines of doing a lot, she kicked off and said I knew you’d throw all this in my face which is why I was reluctant to accept.

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

OP, you don't have to answer of course but I'm going to give it one more shot.

How long have you been together?

Apologies for that drop feed btw! But I do actually believe her to an extent (not sure the whole amount but I’ve saw messages of pressure). Ultimately she didn’t have to accept I guess.