I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

[Tiredbut]

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

OP, the first time you stand up to this lot will be the hardest but honestly, you’ll feel so proud of yourself. And from there it’ll get easier. The next time they expect you to pay for a meal, just ask for the bill, pay what you owe and pass it round so they can pay for their own. You will feel SO good when you do it!

sorry if you’ve missed it. 6 months

Jesus, you have a freeloader on your hands who already has form. Put a stop to it right away, let her rant, let her kick off - it will demonstrate very clearly what's more important to her than- your feelings or your wallet.

It doesn't matter what her issues are, or what has happened to her in the past, you're not responsible for any of that - you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

You sound scared of her, and that should never be the case in a relationship. She sounds like she brings nothing but stress and financial strain to your life. She offers you no support. Are there any positives at all?

I’m scared of most people to be honest! I hate conflict I’m a worrier and have crippling anxiety. I’ve been a “what-if” person my whole life

You are being financially abused. You need to protect your finances and get rid of him.

1. make sure said person has zero access to your bank accounts or bank details/card details
2. if they do have above, change them immediately.
3. start to move larger portion of money k to a savers account (that they know nothing about) and massively reduce your expenditure to what is a necessity only on a monthly basis.
4. Tell partner you’re having money trouble and you can no longer spend x y z on what you were before.
5. Once they realise you have no money to offer they will most likely leave on their own accord.

Ok, so you've been in a relationship for 6 months and short of money for the last 9 - 12 months?

Why in God's name did you spend 10k on her then?

Are you really this desperate for a relationship?

So you seriously believe this absolute freeloader was previously ‘forced’ into lending money to an ex?

Oh come on, you can’t genuinely believe this? She probably scrounged off of him til he reached breaking point and wanted his money back.

Sensitive about money - of course she is!! Unless it’s someone else money she’s ponsing then she forgets how ‘sensitive’ she is.

She really saw you coming - prioritise your kids ffs and still spending money that you should be using for them on this abuser and her band of merry hangers on.

You’re being a mug. Cut her (and her friends, Jesus, the absolute cheek!) off.

Here's what you should do - finish the relationship, be single for a long while, work on your self esteem and understanding of how abusive people operate.

Here's what I think you will do - stay.

It's not complex, no matter what is going on with her, though escaping might be a bit tricky.

You are making a choice to continue being abused. I am sorry for that, but nobody can help you if you keep making that choice. Good luck anyway, you sound like you will need it.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do the online freedom programme and learn how to establish boundaries safely. As she's a volatile character, slowly introduce boundaries with the aim of ending the relationship.

If you see her twice a week then drop it to once a week, suggest going to hers instead of you hosting. When out at a restaurant ask the waiter to put the order on separate bills so you only pay for what you eat. Call her less and text her less so it's easier to end the relationship if you start phasing out contact.

Go through last month's statement & add up how much you've spent on socialising with her. Then transfer that amount immediately to a premium bonds account or a 90 day deposit account. It'll soon add up and you'll see how much you've been wasting on her.

Have you posted about her before? I feel like you might have done, and were told then that this relationship wasn’t good for you…

So what if an ex owes her money? That's not a hugely unusual story from a broken relationship. It happens.
But what she is actually telling you is that she knows what it is liked to be owed, and she's making damn sure you're the one being rinsed now. Listen to that.
Seriously who in God's name rocks up to someone's house with friends and expect takeaway to be bought for everyone and wine to be provided?? Who sits at a birthday dinner, after bringing a friend, and expects the birthday girl to pay???
Would you do this? I certainly wouldn't.
And her default position is she makes you afraid to say anything.
Get rid of this horrible freeloader who doesn't CARE for you. Get rid, get rid, get rid. You will be 100% happier.
She is abusive, emotionally and financially.
I would be ASHAMED to expect a partner to pay for everything for me.
Get a friend to sit down with you and plan how you will do this. Even tell her in front of your friend to prevent her kicking off. Then block her from everything and have nothing to do with her. Please.

I have a tendency to get into situations like this, usually trying to help someone through a sticky patch...but rather than sorting themselves out, they become more reliant and i feel more obliged.

In my case I think it stems from guilt over having money, low self esteem in that I feel I don't "deserve" it and childhood indoctrination that i should put others before myself.

The fact that you are now skint, is a personal wakeup call, but it's awful easy to blame someone else for taking the piss (which they are), while giving off a lot of signals that it's making you happy. Being the generous host and benevolent donor can give nice feels at least for a time...and then once that dynamic is set it can be very hard to change.

I'd look into your psychology around money - what it means to you, patterns that you can spot etc, people only take the piss if you let them, and getting good boundaries around money in place will protect you in future.

Oh my gosh this is so toxic. They are taking the piss. Think of it like that and get angry, rather than that you have less money and are feeling embarrassed. Their entitlement is beyond!!

But that's how you'll come across. totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮
Over a grand and a half a month on hotels and restaurants??

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

Everyone has already told you to dump her. She's not rude, she's abusive. So, are you going to dump her or keep being abused?

It sounds like she has told her friends and family to come and get free stuff from you. She is financially abusing you OP On purpose, it's not an accident

Oh wow, your DP is hard work / freeloading/. Cheeky fucker
you must be worth so much more than this …
break free, live a happier life, meet someone who can treat you well like you deserve !!!

I suspect she owes the ex boyfriend 15k as she sponged off him too.

This situation is actually INSANE to me.

10k+ in 6mths with someonr who Lives with you pt, treats you and your home like crap, and adds nothing at all to your life.

You deserve so much better than this.

All of the reasons you've given not to end it are things that will make you feel unconfortable. Just bite the bullet, sooner rather than later.

OP I really agree with this! And I agree you sound scared of her/intimidated by her. Initially after reading your first post I thought perhaps this is just a tricky situation of how to manage very different income levels in a relationship but having read all your posts I think there are multiple red flags for domestic abuse/coercive control and not just the financial type, though it sounds like this is her primary method of control over you right now.

Please do take everyone here saying the same thing seriously. 10K is a LOT of money especially if it doesn’t even include the holidays. You sound like a loving generous kind caring person and you do not deserve to be treated like this. I slightly hate that “you teach people how to treat you” saying as I find it a bit victim-blamey, but there is certainly some truth in it. You have to put some better boundaries in place here, and as others have said I suspect when you do she will leave of her own accord. I like the idea of the “no/low-spend month” (or maybe make it a year!) But if you want to break up with her sooner, you can of course, I want to remind you that you absolutely can break up with anybody at any time for any reason.

I would seriously recommend speaking to Women’s Aid or similar about all of this.

It's incredibly rude, disrespectful and wrong. It's an absolute piss take. It makes me sad that your self esteem is so low you allow it.

YOU MATTER! YOU DESERVE A SAY! YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANYTHING! YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THINGS!

Agree. She’s telling her friends you’re a doormat who will pay for everything - they are all mugging you off and laughing in your face OP.

She’s not ‘rude’ she’s an abuser who has targeted you to bankroll her and her circles lifestyle.

What are you so desperate to cling to this freeloader that your self respect is in the gutter?

You need to read and reread every post on this thread because right now you’re not listening

It’s beyond rude but most people’s friends and family wouldn’t dream of behaving this way. That suggests she has said something to them which has left them confident in their piss taking.