To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

Yanbu. Just cancel it and do a cheap wedding at regiestery office with a small party. Plenty of time to tell people a change of plans.

Honestly, I think your first sentence says it all.

I think you’ve answered your own question with your first sentence. It’s not another story is it? It’s absolutely relevant.

I don't really feel I have any other choice. What do you do when your partner wants to get married and you can't be bothered?

If you don't want to get married cancel. But you should consider the wishes of your 'life partner ' and future security for all of you should the worse happen to either of you. You can choose whether to make your wedding a chore, or whether to keep things manageable. You could use a wedding planner. No need to decide not to do the exam, that seems a bit dramatic.

Bottom line is that you don't want to get married.

I think you're absolutely capable of doing an exam in January and getting married at Easter. It's not like the exam is the day before the wedding.

Presumably as it's your fiancé who is keen on the wedding they're doing most of the organising? If not, they should be.

I think if you cancel the wedding you need to tell you fiancé that you don't want to get married at all. Or at least not have a big wedding. What you can't do is cancel this big wedding and then allow it all to happen again a few months later.

What I mean is that you don't have to find excuses for cancelling the wedding. If you don't want to do it - don't.

Of course you have a choice. It’s not 1800. Your partner does not get to railroad you into something as big as marriage that you categorically do not want to do. You’re setting yourself up for a life of resentment and misery here. Where else in your life do you just capitulate to other people’s wants?

Why can’t you do an exam in January and get married at Easter? I don’t understand that bit. There are two of you getting married, it’s more important to your partner than to you - if there’s planning to be done while you’re studying he can do it.

I think there would have been an excuse regardless.
Someone who wants to get married will often continue as planned. Someone who doesn't will jump at the first opportunity to bail and that's the issue here.

You need a honest and open conversation with your partner.

I possibly can push more to him, but if I have to get married, it needs to be nice. He has very basic tastes.

hmmm if a guy were to suggest cancelling a wedding and said it wasnt something he ever wanted to do but he was just going along with it because you wanted to, everyone would say he wanted out of the relationship (or he was probably already cheating).

So you don't want to get married at all and he has basic tastes...so have a small, basic wedding then.

Is it you driving the big wedding or him?

I think you’re making excuses as you don’t want to get married. People won’t have moved things around for your wedding if you haven’t even given them a date.
is getting married in your best interests and those of your child? I would get remarried as I wouldn’t want to dilute my sons inheritance due to divorce ect.

It can be done. My friend organised a wedding in 6 weeks when her partner got a job overseas. They had a lovely informal wedding and managed to pack up and ship all their belongings at the same time .

He wants a big wedding. I can't bear to have a big, naff event.

You tell him you'll get married on the understanding he will organise it all and you just have to turn up on the day.

It will be hugely disappointing to your life partner if you refuse to marry him or don't allow him to celebrate the wedding in a grand way. The exam in Jan and wedding at Easter no problem really, just tell your DP he's going to have to do all the heavy lifting for the wedding.

Go for a registry office and let him plan a party?

i don’t see how sitting an exam in Jan 26 and having a wedding in April 26 are incompatible though

We do have a date and a venue.

I am barely keeping it together as it is with work and raising my child. She is so needy due to her father abusing her.

My mother has pushed the issue of this marriage, which I realise is dysfunctional. So there is a lot of pressure generally.

Well you don't do it then.

Two people should marry when both of them want to. If one really doesn't want to it's pointless. You can't go through with a wedding to please a partner. It's really not fair on either of you.

I see. I think you have to talk him down on the wedding size then, compromise. You're already compromising by getting married in the first place. It's reasonable to ask him to keep it small-ish.

Do you not want to get married or do you not want a big wedding? It's not the same thing. Is it the wedding or the marriage that's important to your partner too? He can't claim he wants a big wedding then not organise it.

But organising a wedding isn't that big a deal really. Exam in January is irrelevant to it.

You don't need an excuse to cancel if you want to but you seem quite conflicted about what it is you actually want.

I think the problem is we already have made a lot of plans and told people about it