To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

Postpone the wedding and tell DP you will reconsider after your exams. Then, that gives you time to think about how to explain you don’t actually want to be married.

Or just tell him the truth now? Why did you agree if you don’t want to?

Even if OP were Male everyone would absolutely be advising to be honest with their partner and not proceed with the wedding as this stage.

OPs feelings seem pretty chaotic and all over the place. It's difficult to ascertain what the issue is, but I do agree that really not wanting to marry someone who you consider your life partner is a red flag.

Other people attending an Easter 2026 wedding, for which they won't have bought outfits or booked un-cancellable hotels and travel for yet are not a reason to stick with it if it's not sitting well with you due to other life things you want to do. Talk to your fiance.

Cancel the whole big faff and go to a registry office if that’s what you’d prefer. No one will have made plans for next April yet!

FWIW, a wedding takes as much effort as you need it to. I planned mine in 2 months, and it didn’t occupy every thought or need something doing everyday.

Do you want to get married but not want “a wedding”? We had a really small wedding. Easy to organise. Not expensive. You could definitely do an exam and plan a wedding.

I can't work out from your posts, despite having read all of them, whether it's the wedding you don't want or the marriage you don't want. You seem to use wedding and marriage interchangeably. They aren't the same.

Imagine you cancelled the wedding and went to a registry office (put aside all considerations of cancelling, partner's wishes to have a big wedding etc just for a moment). If you were standing in the registry office would you want to say "I do".

Once you have the answer to that question then you can think about what you want to do.

If the answer is "yes, I would say I do" then you talk to your partner and say why you don't want this big wedding and talk about a compromise. If he doesn't want to compromise then you have a bigger problem.

If the answer is "no, I wouldn't say I do", then you should call off the wedding immediately, no ifs or buts, or it's embarrassing, or people have booked leave etcetc. Once you have called the wedding off you then need to think about whether you want to be with your partner and whether it's fair to him if he wants to be married and you don't.

I'm sorry, I'm not buying the ex schedule postponement excuse. If you get married, you have every right to have your child there.

In your shoes I'd suggest a fun elopement to somewhere romantic, just the two of you. Tell him you don't want all the expense and fuss of a big wedding. I got married just the two of us, and it was actually more special than a big do.

@OrangeCrushes

Of course you can cancel it. (And just have a tiny registry office wedding instead.) Also, it's next Easter. People have 9 months notice to cancel any hotel rooms or holiday leave.

Why are you getting married if you don't want to though? I wouldn't be getting married just because my partner wanted to. I would have to want to get married.

Not what you said in your OP though. 'I don't want to get married' is what you said.

You go to the registry office with two witnesses and do it.

Does your partner want marriage, or does he want a wedding. The two are different.

Don’t get married if you don’t want to. Be honest with him. He can then decide if this is the relationship for him. Everything else is a red herring.

Don’t get married if you don’t want to. Be honest with him. He can then decide if this is the relationship for him. Everything else is a red herring.

It seems the issue is that your family live abroad, therefore it needs to be an upscale event to justify them making the effort?

Why don’t you downscale everything, just bring your parents over for a small wedding. Then get your wedding-loving mother to arrange a party abroad for you to fly over & celebrate a bit later.

Also bridesmaids don’t have to match the groomsmen/ushers. Just have your daughter as a flower girl and you can walk down the aisle together.

Finally, I don’t know anyone you had a big second wedding, especially when it’s the bride that has previously been married.

Your poor partner.

Why on earth would you agree to get married, and start arranging a big wedding, if you don't want to get married? Why weren't you just honest from the start?

Cancelling a wedding that's already booked sends a very negative message to all concerned. If I was on the receiving end of that, I would probably end the relationship.

The wedding doesn't have to be some massive affair. Take the exam and have a quieter, relaxed wedding. People seem to go to ridiculous extremes nowadays spending huge amounts of time, stress and money on the event. Marriage can be important, as it is to your partner, but weddings really aren't.

Op I once laughed when someone said sit down, in absolute silence and write down what it is you want. If you had no pressures. I did it and stared at it for minutes. You can’t get married if you don’t want to get married.

Stop being a perfectionist. No idea what attendents are but if they are your friends just say you want them with you, they can all pick their own dress in x colour. Honestly the best weddings are the relaxed ones so take the pressure off for it to be amazing. You have a dp that loves you, wants to marry you either let go a bit with the control or cancel it.

In the nicest possible way OP I think you’ve lost the plot about this wedding. Putting all your (non)excuses to one side - do you really want to marry this man? If you are unsure or know that you really don’t, then you should cancel the wedding now. I speak from experience when I say that to do otherwise will cause far more problems.
If you do want to marry your partner then talk about what you want and do it on your own terms, not on the expectations of others. Don’t worry that you’ve already told others your elaborate plans - I honestly believe that in the circumstances the vast majority of people will think that changing them for something simpler is absolutely the right thing to do.
It won’t take you a minute on here to find plenty of wedding guests moaning about extravagant weddings they’ve been to so don’t think that you’ll be disappointing everyone, as you most certainly won’t.
If you continue with your existing plans you’ll be forever resentful of all the time, energy and money you’ve spent on something you didn’t want to do.
If OH and I had our time again we would have gone to the registry office with our closest family, then had a lovely meal afterwards to celebrate. I appreciate that this is not for everyone, but honestly you don’t need all the extras like bridesmaids, weddings albums etc

For the love of God next Easter is a long way off. People will get over it if you cancel. Your partner, if he's a good man, will also get over it. If he needs marriage to feel 'secure' in your love for him then maybe the relationship isn't as good as you think?

You need to be honest with everyone, but most of all to yourself. If you aren't honest now, you just push the problem down the road whereupon it will erupt, probably ten times bigger, at some point in the future.

We wrote out the amount we would save not doing a wedding and what we could spend it on instead. Then we thought about the time we’d have spare not planning 1 day that we might be sick for/have thunderstorms etc. It really has to be something you both want more than that time and money back, can you sell it to him like that? I get wanting the people you know there but lots of people find weddings a hassle and there’s only so much time to talk to people. It also doesn’t matter what you’ve told them, they will understand if they’re worth inviting. I’m glad I got married for the benefits it brings but it took a day of planning and cost a few hundred pounds and I don’t regret it.

Either he plans the whole wedding if it’s him who wants it, or you have a register office wedding. We had the latter and a lovely meal afterwards and it was amazing. Wouldn’t change a thing and then spent our saved money on a mega once in a lifetime honeymoon.

Gosh, he has really hit the jackpot with you 😳

Well, you are creating your own problems.

If he is happy with basic then do basic. Large and expensive is not compulsory, especially if neither of you actually want it.

Edited to say I have read your recent update and it's him wanting the faffy bits. That's not basic?

Anyhoo, if he wants faff, then let HIM organise it. Tell him you have too much on your plate.

If you actually want to get married that is....

Can't you move it to much later and do it more cheaply. That is if you want to get married. Until after your exams.

Right. If you can't sit down with your life partner and discuss this like grownups, then should you be marrying him or even be with him? Tell your mother to just shut up and butt out and sort this out with your partner. Have invitations gone out? Circumstances do change and the people who you have told who might be upset because your circumstances have changed can butt out too.
"it needs to be nice. He has very basic tastes" Now actually this I find worrying and quite critical of the person you are calling your life partner....
It seems to me, as others have said, that you are hunting for excuses.....