To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam.
Why not?

and you 'can't be bothered' - thats really cold.

Honestly, I would postpone it. Indefinitely if needs be. You are not ready, your heart isn't in it, you're being pressured. Each of those is reason enough.

As for people having adjusted their plans, it's far enough away that they can unadjust. Honestly, if I said to you I've cancelled it for you, it's all gone away, how would you feel? If the answer is 'relieved', do it for yourself.

Have you told him that this isn't what you want?

If so, he just wants a wedding to whoever will consent - he's very inconsiderate of you as a person if he's steamrolling ahead regardless.

Why do you HAVE to have bridesmaids, just because he wants usher's?
If he wants the wedding, let him do all the planning. Why are you organising it?
He has basic tastes, let him crack on.
Don't worry about what you've told people.
Maybe compromise and get married in a registry office, he plan the party after?

You should never ever get married if you don’t want to. But I’m still not sure if the issue is the wedding or being married.

Either way, you’re obviously feeling under huge amounts of pressure right now. I think you should press pause on the wedding. Sit down with your DP and say it’s all too much right now (work, exam, DD, plus the wedding). Ask him to agree to postpone the wedding. Then get him to contact the venue to move your deposit to a future date (or ask for a refund if it’s within the Ts and Cs of whatever arrangement you have agreed to). After your exam, start planning the wedding you want, IF YOU WANT IT.

Also, ask yourself why are you so worried about the future guests? Why are there expectations of being invited more important than you? Fuck that. Having watched friends and family go through with weddings because they felt like they had to go through with it and couldn’t let people down, I always support a person’s right to call off a wedding, even if it’s 30 seconds before they are about to walk down the aisle.

If you don't want to get married because you don't want to BE married, don't for the love of God do it. I'm fresh out of the divorce trenches - took 14 months and cost me c 10k. Never again.

If you don't want to get married because the actual wedding day, as it's currently panning out, makes you want to run 1000 miles in the other direction, you need a serious chat with your DP about the whole thing. Hammer all the details out and try to, between you, fashion a day you can both cope with, taking everything else you have going on into account. And tell your mother to butt out.

It's not just his wedding though, he can't decide it all, your feelings need to be considered too and if you want something smaller then you need to work together on a compromise.

I imagine your life partner would just like to be afforded the same status as your previous partner.

I think you need to drop a few balls and accept things will be less than perfect.

If you don't want NOT to get married and it's important to your partner, then I would do it.

But I'd also tell him that he's in charge of organising the whole thing.

I'd tell all your friends and family as well.

Then take a big step back. If it's naff, it's naff. But at least everyone will know who's responsible.

Without wanting to sound unsympathetic, if your daughter is struggling and needs so much support due to abuse from her father, why are you marrying someone else?

I guess I should give up the idea of having my own life altogether, due to having been in an abusive marriage previously?

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story.

Um, no. It's really not. It's the most important part of your post.

You have a daughter you need to take care of who has been abused by her father, a mother who is pushing you into doing something you don't want to do and a partner who also sounds like he also doesn't care about your needs.

Nope not at all. But this doesn't sound like the life you want either.

OP, I think therapy rather than a wedding would be a better use of money at this stage.

My partner actually really cares about me and my needs. He also REALLY wants to marry me. He would be very sad if he knew how strongly I don't want to be married.

He thinks that I am insisting on more detailed plans than are necessary. For example, if I have to have wedding attendants, it seems obvious that they have to be told what to wear (probably something matching), what to do, and need to play a role in the wedding. He doesn't think any of this is such a big deal and that I am making it more complicated than it has to be.

I worked full time, did an exam, ,was pregnant and moved house three weeks before my wedding in 2006.. I suspect you are looking for an excuse to back out? If your exam is in jan and your not getting married till Easter that leaves a lot of time for preparation surely ? If you don’t want to do it back out .. but it may cause ramifications particularly if you still want to stay with your partner

But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

Whenever me and DH have plans cancelled on us, we're always (not so) secretly delighted. Unless it's last minute and we can't get refunds on travel, accommodation etc but this is next April you're talking about. I promise you that most people won't care!

I was in your position. One failed marriage and never wanted to get married again but partner was really keen. It wasn't him I had doubts about just the whole wedding fandango.

Our compromise was a small registry office wedding with about 20 people followed by a meal at a nice Chinese restaurant for the guests. It was a lovely day and I was so much more comfortable with it all than if it had been something big and showy. Been married 30 years now.

If your partner is a decent man he cares about being married to you, not a fancy big wedding. Call off the extravaganza.

Cancel it. Other people won’t care.

Your very first sentence is that you don't want to get married. For that reason alone you should cancel. Your friends and family will get over it.

Don’t tell us tell him.

He thinks that I am insisting on more detailed plans than are necessary. I agree with him.
For example, if I have to have wedding attendants, it seems obvious that they have to be told what to wear (probably something matching), what to do, and need to play a role in the wedding You don't have to have bridesmaids just because he wants you to. It's fine to ask them to sort their own dresses if you aren't bothered about them matching and they don't need a role other than tirning up and walking behind you.
He doesn't think any of this is such a big deal and that I am making it more complicated than it has to be. It isn't, and you are. Which is fine because you're looking for excuses to cancel but you don't need an excuse or to make out stuff is a bigger deal to arrange than it actually is if in the end you don't want the big wedding at all.

He doesn't even think the attendants should walk down the aisle! What is the point of them, then? Why do I have to harass my friends with this?

If I have to have a wedding, it needs to be nice. I don't want a weird, disorganised, or embarrassing event.

With all due respect, life is a lot easier before children are in the picture. I truly despise being a working parent.

If I have to have a wedding

OP - I have just read your other threads including the one about your daughter and your abusive ex.

Gently, I really, really don't think you should be getting married. And I think you know this.

You're doing it because your partner is a good man and you're scared that if you say you don't want to marry you then he might leave but honestly, you have been through a lot and so has your young daughter.

I think you need to put the two of you first and not your partner or your mum.