To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

I wish, wish, wish I’d cancelled mine like I wanted to. Told everyone I wanted to cancel - but was too scared to. Felt awful through every moment of it. We lasted two years.
please cancel if you want to.

Is it the case you want to be married but don't want a wedding?

Why tf are you going along with stuff you don't want? Where is your backbone to say no? I really don't get it.

You dont need reasons or excuse to cancel the wedding. The bottom line is you dont want to get married. So dont.

Stop people pleasing. You're putting everyone else before yourself. Your partner, your mother, the guests...

And, yes, your partner might be disappointed and hurt but your gut is screaming at you not to do this for a reason. Listen to it.

You are making excuses and things more complicated because you don't want to get married, OP.

For context I recently got engaged- second marriage for me, first for my DP- I could do without the faff as I've done it before but he wants it so I'm happy to compromise. He is having best men, I am not having bridesmaids. He wants to cut a cake, I could do without it, but I'm doing that for him because that feels like an easy concede to make.

I certainly wouldn't be going along with big things that I didn't need to do (ie bridesmaids with matching dresses etc) if I didn't want to. I'd pick my battles.

But ultimately, you don't want to get married, and that therein lies the problem.

OP, why are you doing so many things that you don't want to do? This is 2025, not 1825.
Just cancel the wedding. Completely. You don't want to get married, so you mustn't.
The sooner you cancel it, the better (and cheaper) it will be.
Just grow a backbone!

Stop worrying about how it looks.
No one will care if he has attendants and you dont have bridesmaids

You are making things very complicated. Either keep to the schedule and arrange a small wedding and dinner afterwards or have a big wedding, let him do much of the planning and get rid of the idea that you have to do it all because you don’t want it to be naff. So what if it’s naff-if you don’t care about the wedding, why does it matter? If you don’t want to marry him because you don’t want to commit, then tell him.

Lots of people have given you sensible options.

I think the 3 main ones are:

1. Tell DP you don't want to get married - cancel the wedding
2. Postpone the wedding to a time when you have more bandwidth
3. Let your DP organise it, be passive in the process until after your exam. Make it clear to everyone that wedding decisions are being made by DP

I would think about why you are reluctant to give up the decision making process in regards to the wedding and at the same time making it harder for you to study for your exam. Why does everything need to be signed off by you? Has your DP got really bad taste? If so, so what? If it matters that much you need to postpone the wedding. Are you an 'insta' type person?

It seems to me there are perfectly good options to make your life easier yet you are purposefully playing the martyr.

It's July, at this point, it is perfectly fine to say 'Unfortunately, we have decided to postpone the wedding' - if you are going to do this, do it ASAP.

You REALLY need to have a heart to heart with your DP

it's extremely upsetting to me to think of having a disorganised, un-special event that I drag a load of people across the ocean for. (My family are all abroad)

Go to them then. Have your special wedding day beforehand - just you, your fiance and your child.

And then let your mother plan an overseas celebration. Any disorganisation can be hers. Just turn up and enjoy.

You sound really unhappy op. Not about your choice of partner necessarily, but just sad and overwhelmed with lots of things going on in your life. I'm sorry it's tough

I don’t understand why you’re complicating things. You don’t need bridesmaids in matching dresses. Your fiancé is happy for a simple wedding. Just go ahead with a simple wedding. Let him organise it. Assume he’s the type that sees the joy in simply bringing family and friends together to celebrate without the frills and showing off. Sounds sensible (and cheaper).

The only people you need to consider here in the question of your marriage and wedding is your partner and yourself. No one matters. Absolutely no one else. So that's one problem cleared up.

Does your partner want a marriage, a relationship or a wedding ? You clearly don't want the wedding, but are you happy with the idea of a marriage and the relationship ? If either or you aren't coinciding with the marriage & relationship bits - then call it off now. On the understanding your partner may feel very differently about staying in the relationship, with you.

I agree with others saying the wedding isn't possible because of your exam is frankly insulting to your partner. I do get that your DD needs you time and attention.

I suggest you sit your partner down and say look you know I'm happy with the relationship, happy for the marriage but the big wedding is leaving me cold. Please can we scale back (yes this may cost you ). Agree on a smaller venue, sort your dress out (don't do the whole entourage bit - just you and your DD) and leave the rest to him, within agreed parameters. Relationships and marriages are about working together - you will be focusing on your DD and your career and he'll be sorting the wedding. The earlier you step off the wedding conveyor belt the better.

You face being out of work paying 2k on a course most people fail.

Postpone. It's all a mad waste of money that could put you into debt for years.

If the OP was male and his partner female, people on here would call him a future faker and say his partner should leave. Mumsnet double standards yet again.

Don't be daft it s nex t year. Just tell them plans have changed

Is it beneficial to your dc to get married ? does he want to adopt her? Will her father allow this?

Wedding planner?

You absolutely do not need to have attendants , bridesmaids etc. Not at all.
We got married (second time for me, partners first) with just the two of us. Beautiful hotel, dress , make, etc - but literally just the two of us.
Look up ‘runaway weddings’ .
And then have a reception in the evening for guests.

Everything you are saying points to the fact you don’t want to get married.

I have read all your updates etc and it seems like excuse after excuse for reasons not to have the wedding. None of which would really matter if you actually wanted the wedding in the first place.

If you and your partner love each other and he wants marriage and your not so keen then discussions have to be had about the future. Getting married as one person wants it and the other is compromising is just asking for problems in the future.

If you’re happy to compromise and get married then he has to be happy to compromise on the small wedding. Forget everyone else, the only people that really matter here are you and him.

Have invites gone out/save the dates? Many people will have heard you talk about the wedding etc but until they have an invite in hand then likely no plans will have been made (I certainly wouldn’t).

I think you really need to have a conversation with your partner. What is important to him marriage or a wedding (very different things) if it’s the wedding then I would be running a mile and saying I’m not getting married if it’s the marriage then he needs to walk away from the wedding ideas he has and be open to a small thing.

Ime if you don’t want to be there the wedding is going to be naff no matter how picture perfect and organised it is. It’s about the atmosphere not wether everything is matching and instagramable.

The only way to solve this is to speak honestly to your fiancé and find a way forward you are both happy with.
If you can’t be honest with him now what future does the relationship have?

You want to make a life with this man, you accepted his proposal and agreed to a wedding. I would be so hurt if you backed out now but wanted to continue as life partners.

It doesn’t sound as though money is the issue. I get that time is finite, but can’t you project manage this to be as easy as possible. Tell the caterer about dietary restrictions and get them to propose a menu, tell florist your preferred colours and a budget and get them to select arrangements. Essentially, get it organised and stop fretting about it.

Why don't you want to get married?

Can you articulate the issue? Realistically I think if you want someone to be your life partner then I don't really see the issue with actually marrying them.

Is the issue the wedding? Organising a big wedding isn't actually difficult. You can have bridesmaids or not. You can buy a nice bridesmaids dress to turn up tomorrow these days. It's doesn't take a lot of effort or planning in reality. Your partner can do the majority and lots of stuff can be sorted between Jan and April.

Why does your partner want a big wedding? What does he find appealing about that?

If you want to stay with your partner and don't want to get married you need to articulate why. And then you need to sit down and have a proper honest conversation with him. But I owuldnt continue to proceed with a wedding you really don't want, that's not fair on either of you

I might be wrong but it sounds to me like you want the marriage but not the wedding and it seems to have spiralled out of control into something bigger than what you want. I can understand if your DP has not been married before why he wants the big wedding and it’s easy for us who have been married before to see why it’s a fuss about nothing.

that being said it’s your wedding and you can do what you want. Don’t have bridesmaids if you don’t want them, groomsmen don’t ‘need’ to walk down the aisle. honestly don’t get stuck in the detail of what should and shouldn’t be done, just do you.

I wouldn't worry about invitees at all, other than saving the date, people won't have prepped much, and even if they've bought a dress or maybe at maximum booked a hotel, it's small scale. You don't owe the world a big wedding and actually, most people dont care about their friends weddings that much - they've their own lives to live. I think you do owe your fiance something, you said you'd marry him, it's important to him and from the sound of it you don't mind being married, it's the wedding that's the issue. So I'd suggest doing a small wedding, just you and a couple of witnesses. Write off the deposits or see what you can get back. You've plenty of time, it's nearly a year away. The sooner you fess up to how you're feeling and move forward the better though!