To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

What a crock of shit. Lots of people don't want to get married. It's an old fashioned institution created for the benefit of men and they've sold us this fairytale about the big white wedding so they can carry on controlling us. OP has stated she has had some bad relationships in the past and if she doesn't want to marry again that's her prerogative isn't it?
Research shows that married men are happier than single men and single women are happier than married women. I wonder why that is? Oh is it because once they put a ring on it and get you to knock out some kids they expect you to do everything for them and everything for the kids until the day you die. Yeah it might be that maybe. 🤔

And that's the problem. Either OP wants a wedding or not. If he wants the wedding and is prepared to do it, then she should let him. Otherwise it sounds like she cares more than she's saying.

If you really don't want to be married then don't. That's absolutely ok. But you need to have that conversation with him. If you can't then you definitely shouldn't be considering marrying him.

Here’s what happens. You get married to please your partner and then some years later you end up divorced. Been there☹️

I think this is a perceptive comment. Right now, everything feels overwhelming and though I have created the prisons I currently feel that I am in, indeed I do have autonomy.

The recent news of impending redundancies has me really rattled and I had an extremely early morning...so I am not in the best state of mind. Thanks for pointing this out.

6 weeks is impressive.
We got married 3 months after engagement- to tie in with school holidays. Church wedding, 150 guests, catered, flowers, music, the whole shebang. It’s very doable.
Only you @OrangeCrushes know whether it’s cold
feet due to timings and logistics or a deeper issue.

I wouldn't worry about other people, Easter is ages away.

In this situation I'd tell my DP that I was finding wedding planning too stressful/expensive and would rather elope/go to the registry office. If DP still wants a big wedding I'd say I'm happy to turn up on the day, but all the planning is down to him.

If you don’t want to get married then cancel it, however if my oh said he wanted to cancel our wedding then our relationship would be over. I would be crushed if we had planned a wedding, sorted date and venue hence had to tell everyone it was off.

id be mortified.

This doesn't make sense to me. If he has groomsmen you don't need to have bridesmaids. Just don't. I literally couldn't tell you how many groomsmen vs bridesmaids any of my friends have (or even if they had any in some cases). No-one will notice or care.

Groomsmen don't walk down the aisle. Bridesmaids can have any role you like, they don't have to either. Your instructions for them can be as simple as "wear any blue dress you already own". Job done.

You seem quite judgemental about your partner's tastes and ability to plan a wedding. You also sound like you have a very rigid idea of what makes a wedding not naff. I've been to all sorts of weddings and the only thing they ALL had in common was bring married by the end of it and enjoying the time with loved ones. Attendants, cake, car, gifts, white dress, flowers, sit down meal, disco, photos, first dance - all completely optional. I've been to lovely weddings without any of that.

I'd really just let him crack on, turn up on the day and enjoy seeing everyone.

Really? You'd end your relationship even if your fiancé was two traumatised to remarry after two previous abusive marriages? I'm clearly referring to the OP's situation here, but the lack of empathy or understanding is rather alarming when there may well be a very good reason to back out of a booked wedding, that isn't relationship ending!

My DH2 and I talked about calling off our wedding (in-law issues), but we wouldn't have ended our relationship had we called off the wedding. Sometimes things happen or situations arise, or minds change, and that's ok, but it really doesn't have to be relationship ending!

I think giving a struggling partner support is more important than ending things due to being mortified!

A lot of people on here seem to confuse 'wedding' and 'marriage'. One is a (generally) one-day event which can be as big, expensive and fancy (or not) as you like. The other is a huge commitment with financial and legal implications. The first is entirely optional.

The second is also entirely optional, and, it would seem, not right for the OP from all she's said.

@MissFenellaPrism I agree. From the OP, it was getting married that was important to her DP and it sounds like it's marriage that OP doesn't want, although she threw in the wedding as a difficulty. But much of the thread has got caught up in the wedding arguments.

Just do registry office now and a ceremony or party for the family and friends another time when more convenient.

Yes, that's a good point. The wedding points are actually secondary.

Yeah I would, I’d be hurt that they didn’t want to be married to me.

and yours is a totally different situation, you were both thinking about cancelling it not just one person. She shouldn’t have agreed to marry him in the first place if she didn’t want to.

You said you don’t want to get married so don’t. You need to talk to your partner though and tell him the truth because no relationship will last on lies

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on my dilemma.

I don't think it's realistic to postpone or cancel without significantly hurting my fiancé or causing great disappointment for others because of how far we have already come with planning. But I think that posters who have suggested that I need to step back and be less of a perfectionist are right.

I have already had a talk with my fiancé about scaling back and simplifying a bit. He is totally happy to do whatever he can to plan the wedding.

It's difficult to explain how sweet and kind he is. He would NEVER want to force me into something that I don't want to do. Even though I am not that interested in getting married or having a wedding on my own behalf, I love him deeply and I want him to be happy.

He is an absolute rock for my daughter and me, and the serious abuse committed by my daughter's father towards her occurred after we were already in a serious relationship. I don't think it would be right to ditch him now. He provides a great father figure and male role model to a little girl whose biological father is very problematic.

If u can't be botherd to marry them when u no they want to.marry u leave them and let them find a person who cares about them not just yourself

It is obvious that you do not want to get married at all So, stop it before it goes further. You will be miserable and resentful if you go through with it. A wedding should be exciting and joyous. This is not. Hugs. Sorry you are in this position

Either be honest with your partner or don't. If it means a lot to him but you don't want to do it, maybe you should leave him so he can find someone who shares the same feelings

So, you have to ask yourself:

• is he a keeper?
• what will marriage mean to you and him? I.e. to me it means formalising wanting to be together and from a legal standpoint ,having security in the union
• is it marriage or the wedding that's the issue for you? The wedding can be as small as you want it to be. Remember to consider family, if it's important to you and them.

You're coming across as not wanting the wedding or the marriage. But, it could just be the onerous wedding plans becoming overwhelming?

The only two people who really have a say in this is are you and your partner. Easter is a long way off, people should not mind the change of plans and should want you to be happy. The only people I can imagine who might be in any way put out, is if anyone has booked international flights, but you could still offer to meet these people for a special meal or something if they did come and this may well not apply to your situation anyway. They could also probably change their flight. Really I don't think you should worry about other people with regards to this.

I love planning parties and had a massive wedding. I loved planning and the day. However I would have preferred a less formal and cheaper day (it would have been harder to make it smaller due to a large family and circle of friends). My husband was keen to keep it a bit more formal, so we did. It was still quite informal compared to a lot of weddings, but I would have just had a tiny wedding and then a massive party whereas we still ended up with a huge wedding breakfast ect. I loved the day, but when I think of the cost of our even relatively cheap and cheerful wedding I still shudder. If we already had our children then I would definitely not have been able to justify the cost in my mind.

I may be wrong but it appears to me that you are overwhelmed with life in general & have a lot to deal with; working FT, worried about job security, lots of study to do, a possibly traumatized child & going through a court case with an abusive ex which is highly stressful on it's own.

Please speak honestly to your partner about how you feel. You are compromising by getting married when it is not important to you so maybe your partner could compromise by scaling down the wedding. Getting married is essentially legalising your love & commitment towards each other. You don't need to have numerous guests, keep it small. I think if your partner is as kind & caring as you say he will not want you feeling overwhelmed by this. You could even put the wedding "on hold" until your life is less stressful if your partner agrees....it's nothing to do with anyone else.

As for some of the unkind, clueless comments posters have made....ignore them. Many people will not have realised what you & your child have been through & how hard it is to escape an abusive relationship. What your partner wants is important, so are your wishes & feelings. You need to postpone the wedding or scale down the wedding & look after yourself as much as you can to get through this tough time.
Best wishes OP, I hope life gets easier for you x

Why does it have to be naff?