To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

Don't then! Why are you so fixated on having bridesmaids if you don't want them? He can't be simultaneously insistent on specific things like having them at all and yet so uninterested in what they do.

What else is there? I had a big wedding, all traditional. Not naff at all as far as I'm concerned. It really wasn't that big a deal to organise.

Like I say, you are desperate to find an excuse not to have this wedding. You do not need an excuse or permission.

You don't sound as if you are not on the same page, you sound as if you are not even in the same book. Talk to him, tell him no, and then live with whatever the consequences are. It sounds to me as if he won't be a great loss to you. And he deserves someone who is in sync with him, as do you. Neither of you are going to be happy this way.

I appreciate these words, but I really don't even think my current partner would leave. However, his feelings would be very, very hurt. I can't bear to do this to him. He's an amazing partner and a great stepdad and he does deserve to have the feeling of love and security that being married would bring him.

It's not too late to change things- yes there will be uncomfortable conversations but life happens, and the people who matter will support you in any changes to your plans. Anyone who does otherwise isn't worth worrying about. There sounds like a lot of 'I HAVE to do xx' in your posts, but you don't have to do any of it- if you don't want to get married you don't have to- you can say to your partner that you love him, want to spend the rest of your life with him, but that you said yes to the wedding for him but have realised you really don't want to get married. He might accept it, or he might decide it's a deal breaker for him. Or maybe you're happy to compromise and get married, but only in a small ceremony without lots of fuss. That's compromise for both of you, and if it's important to him and he values you that's a very reasonable thing to do. Or he insists on a big wedding that you don't want, maybe you're ok to compromise and stick with the big wedding but move the date, or maybe it's a deal breaker for you. It doesn't sound like the current plans work, and so are likely to damage your relationship rather than support it. You absolutely have a right to do what's right for you, so have a good think about what you want, and talk about it with your partner- if you're committing to a lifetime relationship, married or not you both have a responsibility to raise issues and communicate about them. It's still a long way ahead, and at the end of the day weddings are about supporting the couple with their future, people should respect your decisions if you change your plans, and support you in whatever they change to...

Reverse roles.

Let him organise the wedding of his dreams and just turn up.

How much money will you lose?

im not married and dont want a wedding but feel i ought to one day as we own a property and have a child (tax )

You don’t have to say but is the pressure cultural? Explain to your finance that you don’t want a big wedding and are unhappy about the timing. If he truly loves you, he will agree to postpone. Better to do it as soon as possible. Yes, there’ll be a bit of initial gossip but people can cancel flights etc now if you tell them quickly.

Fiance

@DappledThings is absolutely correct here.
You're unable to be honest with him and seem to be making this far more complex than it needs to be, almost purposely

No, there is no cultural pressure, though apparently my mother is weirdly secretly conservative about marriage?

I put huge pressure on myself to do things well, and it's extremely upsetting to me to think of having a disorganised, un-special event that I drag a load of people across the ocean for. (My family are all abroad)

If he wants the wedding then go ahead, but tell him he has to do the organising.

Do you - not want to get married - or - not want a wedding?

If you don't want a wedding, go to a register office anytime with witnesses and get that part done. Tell everyone about the change of plan and throw a garden party sometime to celebrate wedding, birthday, exam success etc.

If you don't want to get married that's a different matter and you need to have that conversation with your partner quickly before wedding plans progress.

My favourite weddings are the ones where people adapt traditions to suit their personalities. Like my Indian friend who wore a beautiful white sari to married an English man who was wearing a tux and the wedding favours at the end had an Indian touch.

at my wedding my husband had 3 best men and ushers etc - more than I had. You don’t have to follow such formal traditions or be match matchy

You are not in a healthy relationship if you feel forced to marry someone when you categorically do not want to get married. Your attention are on much more important things (your DDs mental health and job security) and that is healthy. It sounds like he's trying to railroad you into marrying him and you are going along with it because he's not as abusive as your ex but your gut is screaming at you that this is not what you want right now. You don't owe this man anything. He should want to be with you regardless of if you want to marry him, live with him or just date him.

Does it perhaps make more financial sense for him to marry you than it would for you to marry him?

I get the impression that you're rather overwhelmed by everything that's going on just now. Is it possible to postpone the wedding until such time as you're in the right headspace to deal with it? And possibly arrange it in a way so that there's less pressure on you so you can both actually enjoy it 😍

According to OP she simply doesn't want the marriage.

"He would be very sad if he knew how strongly I don't want to be married."

You are spot on

If we postponed, it would not be possible to get married for a very long time due to the difficulty of even getting my ex to commit to a schedule for when he has or doesn't have our daughter, not to mention that my parents live abroad.

It sounds like you really don’t want a wedding. Could you not compromise on a small registry office wedding with just witnesses and a big party after? A party would be easier to organise.

I personally think it's ok to be selfish on this occasion and do what's best for you. I would not want to be pressured into doing anything. Your partner would hopefully understand that you wish to postpone until you're ready, even if that does mean a long delay. I know people who have been engaged for many years before marriage, I don't think marriage is the be all and end all.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

You can have a lovely small easy to arrange wedding. Registry office and then a meal at a local hotel.
If you can’t have proper discussions with your DP, you shouldn’t be getting married at all.

I agree. A marriage is not something you do to please someone else. It has huge legal consequences that could compromise the life on not only OP, but also her child.

You don't have to have a big expensive wedding. You can choose to have a low key wedding. I didn't want to get married for years and my partner wasn't fussed either way. Eventually I came round to the idea but over my dead body would I have a big traditional wedding as I just didn't want to spend loads of money or have any stress or drama on the day.

We eloped to Crear in Scotland during covid so it was only the two of us. We had a package which included accommodation, photography, the services of a piper and flowers. Our witnesses were one of the photographers and the piper. We also paid extra to have it filmed and this was made into a lovely film which we shared with family and friends. All in all we had a wonderful completely stress free time and our families were both understanding that it was what we wanted to do.

I think if you don't want to have this big wedding then you shouldn't have it as it's obviously not the right thing for you. I would cancel the whole thing and then only you can decide if you want to not get married at all or just have a low key wedding instead.

... but the feeling of love and security are all a sham if he's with someone who can list all his positives like a checklist, but doesn't actually love him enough to be able to be honest with him about something as fundamental as wanting to be his wife. You sound like a nice person that's trying to do the right thing but I really don't think you should marry this man, however kind he is.

I thought her father was abusive so why would he look after her? I'm confused. A registry office takes a few minutes.

It sounds to all of us that you don't wish to get married at all. If that's the case then you need to tell him.