To cancel my wedding

[OrangeCrushes]

I don't really want to get married, but that's another story. My fiancé is my life partner and it's important to him.

We are planning a large-ish wedding and have put down deposits for a number of things. I have been married before and I am embarrassed by the whole thing. It's also very expensive and time-consuming.

We have told many people that they will be invited. It is scheduled for the next Easter holiday period. No doubt these people will have made plans and shifted their schedules.

Things are strange at work (I work FT) and I wanted to study for a major exam to take place in January which would contribute to my job security. Realistically, I can't have a wedding and take the exam. My child also requires loads of extra support

WIBU to cancel the whole thing? I don't feel I can handle the extra stress of this wedding on top of everything else. But I committed to my partner and loads of people are already planning to attend.

I can’t work out if it is the wedding itself or the idea of being married that is the problem. If it is the wedding day that is causing you distress, have a low key event, but if it is the idea of being married, you must stop the process. It won’t end well otherwise.

It's not just the exam. Things are shaking up at work and I need to position myself not to be mad redundant. It's really tricky.

My daughter also needs SO MUCH support.

And the exam is a really big deal. I should ideally study 20 hours a week for several months. The failure rate is high. It's also several thousand pounds I will have to pay, and the exam failure rate is high.

My second wedding was at registry office with just family. Nice meal in hotel afterwards. Then weeks later big fun cheap kneesup in local pub with music and pub catering. Perfect.

My mother has pushed the issue of this marriage, which I realise is dysfunctional. So there is a lot of pressure generally.
@OrangeCrushes

Are you saying the marriage is dysfunctional, or your mother pushing the issue of marriage?

It's mostly having a wedding. I don't see how we can back out now.

Could you not compromise and go off and get married, not tell anyone and then have a reception and be announced as Mr & Mrs as you walk into the reception.

Her involvement is totally dysfunctional

None of those are barriers to having a wedding though. If you don’t want one, you need to just tell him straight up

Is the issue that you don't want to be married at all - or you just don't want a big lavish wedding? As others have said, if it's the first, then cancel everything as soon as possible. If it's the second, then you go to the registry office with two witnesses and have a nice lunch/party afterwards.

If they are really your life partner then you should be able to talk about this and your worries. It sounds like there is just too much pressure on everything and your daughter has been through a lot already.

What you do in that situation is not get married!

It's a significant legal and financial commitment, which both parties have to consent to willingly and of their own free will!

Why did you agree to a big wedding if you didn't want one. I had mine in a registry office. Did you tell him you didn't want to get married. Sounds like you haven't discussed any of this with him.

I think you've got yourself into a mess here. You don't want to be married. Yet you've agreed. You don't want a big fuss of a wedding. Yet you've gone along with it. And now you've come up with a reason to call it all off, and its not going to land well with your partner at all. Really you should have been more assertive way earlier and not allowed these expectations, because back tracking now will be messy and will cause upset. However, I think its what you need to do. You need to sit down with your partner and explain yourself and be honest about what you want. Everyone else is of much less importance than the two of you.

If it really is just about having a big wedding, talk to him. He must already know that you’re under a lot of pressure in other areas of your life. Surely you just say that if he really wants it that’s fine, but you need to take a major step back from the organisation. Then leave it to him to organise. Turn up and enjoy your day!!

This is my sisters life. I can’t lie it brings her so much pain. Can you not elope?

Change the venue. Make it an upscale but small intimate manageable event. Like am early evening ceremony and nice dinner in a posh hotel. More meaningful less circus.

Your partner wants the wedding he needs to plan, organise etc etc. Tell him it’s all on him & you will turn up on the day.

Time to assert boundaries and allocate tasks.

Say to your DP:

I am getting married as I love you and you want to, therefore, if you want a big wedding - you have to organise it.
Until the end of January my priority is the exam and my DD, after this date I will be available to help a bit, however, I expect 90% of the wedding to be organised at this point. If it isn't, we will be calling off the big wedding and go to a register office.
My preferences for weddings are the following - (be as detailed or vague as you want).

Then you have to step back and let them get on with it.

Even a big wedding doesn’t need to be stressful. There’s no reason you can’t do a January exam and an Easter wedding.

Delegate all event planning to your DH. Tell him you'll be turning up on the day in a dress and the rest is for him to sort. He wants the wedding, he doesn’t get to dictate that YOU arrange a big wedding.

Big can be big in terms of numbers it need not be naff. You can make it how you want it. You can make it less work by getting planner etc, this costs more but saves time. Most work is at the beginning to decide on suppliers and book things, then at the end to sort out details. Apart from the legal bit you do it your way, low key festival vibe or full on glitz. Village hall self catered or production line venue or full on exclusive use weekend affair. You don’t need to have bridesmaids/be led down the aisle/have formal speeches.

You don't want to get married OP, that should be enough to not do it.

But putting a pin in that even- of course you can cancel, people will be fine. Are you suggesting you need to have a wedding you don't want so as not to put people out? If anything you'll be giving them their bank holiday weekend back.

Catch yourself on.

It's almost a year away, I'm sure people can cope with a cancellation at this point. It'll get worse the longer you leave it.

I meant I need to plan it for it not to be naff. He wants attendants so I have had to choose bridesmaids. Which I DON'T WANT.

It sounds like you need to sit down and come to a compromise on what to do and what not to do focusing on what's really important and giving the other stuff up

What do you mean? Why would it be naff for him to have a few ushers and you not have any bridesmaids? Naffer to think the numbers have to match.

DH had 4 ushers and a best man plus my dad and his in the same suit. I had two bridesmaids. Another friend had 4 ushers/best man and no bridesmaids.