Would you want to interact with a much older mum at the school gate

[NopeIWontEnterAUsername]

I'm 47 and Dc is joining school in September. I will probably be the oldest mum there and possibly old enough to be the mum of some of the other parents!! At dc's settling-in sessions every one looked so young.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I'm not worried that anyone would be rude or unpleasant because of my age. I'm also not bothered about making friends at the school gate but it would be nice to have people to chat and exchange notes with while waiting and I don't want dc to miss out in any way because the other parents can't be arsed to hang out with me. I mean, for example considering how young they are if anyone invites dc for a play date they'd have to put up with me tagging along as well.

I'm also not white (first generation immigrant) but live in a predominantly white area (and the school's demographics look very homogenous to me) and I wonder if that will be a factor as well.

I know it's a controversial subject and it would be easy to say that "yes, of course, I don't care about age or colour" but actually I'd love brutally honest answers. I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking but maybe something like this: if you had a choice would you prefer talking to someone who is of a similar age and a similar background or ethnicity? Or do you feel more comfortable talking to someone who is of similar age and has a similar background?

Yanbu: yes
Yabu: no

People will say they don't care, but in reality most people are drawn to people of the same age/cultural background as them.

I'd be thrilled to talk to you because I'm shy/neurodivergent and hate mum cliques! I prefer older women as tbh I find them more chatty than my millennial generation typically speaking!

Please try not to worry about it. Someone will talk to you. Some people are smiley and chatty. Others blank you as they are in their own world. The school gate crowd are mums, dads, grandparents, child minders, aunts, all sorts.

It wouldn’t have been an issue at my kids’ primary. The youngest Mum was 19 (had her first at 15) and the oldest was 51( had her second at 47). We all got on and interacted! It was a lovely school, very multicultural and no one was excluded.

I had dd at 40 so I was the older mum.

Still friends with some school mums today.

This ! just smile and say hi & friendships & coffee/ playdates will naturally progress .

I was a bit of an older mom when my kids were in school. My best school mom friend was way older than I was and we are still close to this day. My oldest is 26! Be yourself. You'll find your tribe!

The parents I wanted to talk to most where the ones whose dc played with my dc - and you won't know who that will be yet obviously! I think having the shared experience of the same aged child is the most important thing.

I have made a few friends over the years via school gates and kids having childminders in common. Things that make other parents approachable and likely to become acquaintances or even friends: Give eye contact and say hello, include someone in conversations that are happening instead of letting them just stand awkwardly, have sense of humour about things, be in the class WhatsApp group and answer people’s Qs/ thank people for reminders. Things that make it hard to connect with other parents are: Those who are stony faced/ avoid eye contact and don’t say hello. Those who stick to their specific friends and make it impossible for others to join in chats, those who blank you when you say hello. Fair enough they might be avoiding school gate socialising! But if you do want friends, don’t do those things OP.

I once asked another mum if she wanted to bring her kids for an ice cream with me and my DC and we ended up great friends. I was just suddenly brave on a whim and asked. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there. I don’t think it’s to do with age etc. it’s to do with friendliness and being procative. .

MN seems obsessed with age at the moment, the amount of threads like this is odd.

Either way, when my kids were at school I became very close to my DC's friend's grandmother who used to do the school run.

I was about 30 and I think she was probably late 60s.

I'm a Granny at the school gate😁 and have been looking after my dgs since he was 9 months old and not only do other Mums chat to me, but I now have a friendship group with women the same age as my DD of all ethnicities.. we used to meet at soft play. we do days out etc and we are friends. They don't seem to care that I'm in my 50s so I'm sure being in your 40s won't be a problem!
I'm starting again with baby dgd when DD goes back after this maternity and I'm looking forward to doing the baby groups as well as the school run :)

I’ve made the loveliest friends at school gate! Our age range is 32-53! To me age really doesn’t matter - if we click, then great, let’s go for a coffee :)

Ah OP , Don’t be worrying ☺️..
Sure nice people worth chatting to won’t care what age you are or nationality, I know those things would never enter my head , like ever !..😊

I had twins (first children) a week before my 43 birthday, so I was a similar age when they started school. Weirdly, I was one of a handful of older mums but not the oldest. I never found it a problem - the children are the all the same age, so they are into the same things, same playgrounds, soft play, parties, play dates and trends. If your school/class is sociable muck in, be friendly, don't expect too much at the beginning and you'll be fine.

In my son's reception class, one little girl's mum was late 40s and she didn't seem to be excluded. She was a nice woman so everyone was happy to talk to her. She formed a good friendship with one of the youngest mums too!
The race factor is not something that would influence whether or not I like someone.

At 28 I was definitely one of the youngest in my DCs school group. Because of this the older mums were much more dominant, confident.
Also in a predominantly white area, the non-white mums do have to make more of an effort to strike up conversation but if you are chatty, similar values then it’s fine.

I'll be the same age as you when my dc2 starts school. I don't think its an issue. A lot of mums in my area are similar age.

Doesn’t bother me at all, sometimes I would rather do the school run without speaking to anyone but it’s not down to their age! When I have time to chat it’s a mix of mums my age, older and younger as well as grandmas picking up or one who has parental responsibility for her grandkids, as well as foster parents etc. You won’t be the oldest but it doesn’t matter if you are.

I found that you get to know parents when your child plays with their children. Age/race never came into it for me. We live in a predominantly white area and my dp is black and I have friends from different cultures. I wouldn’t have thought it through as much as your op. I wound generally veer towards those who seem approachable. I would say make an effort or it will be harder if you don’t.

Our mum group is from 28 to 50 something so I hope you’d be fine. I find I make more mum friends from kids hobbies rather than school.

I don’t really think you’ll be that much older than everyone. I was 40 when my youngest started and I was nowhere near the oldest mum there. I chat to everyone tbh, it’s ten minutes out your day.

It's not an issue. I'm early 40's and my youngest us in year 1, most mums are between 35 and 45, but some are younger and everyone gets along fine.

The thing though about tagging along on play dates might become an issue though. From middle of reception year my daughter went on playdates without me and we had children round without their parents, once we had got to know some families. If my daughter could only have friends round where I'm also friends with the mum it would be a bit limiting for her. End of term they finish at lunch and I'm picking up my year 1 daughter and 3 of her friends and their mums will join about 5/6 when finish work.

My closest ‘mum friend’ is almost 20 years older than me and I already knew her oldest dc from school before I met her !
I think when you’re an adult being in a similar life stage (which generally everyone at school gates is) is more of a factor than being a similar age

You're overthinking it. Lots of different ages and backgrounds. I’ve never really noticed or cared Noa old someone is! I’m 40 and I could be 20 years older than some of the school parents but I’ve never registered or cared.

I chat to the grans the dad's the mums..whoever ! I have friends whi are about 10 years younger I think it's all perfectly normal.

Most mums I've come across have been mid to late 30s by primary tbh or older. More unusual to be younger.

Loads of older mums at school when my 2 were little. Also some young mums.

My friend had her son at 47 and no one treated her any different at the school when she was 52 and her son started school.