Would you want to interact with a much older mum at the school gate

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I'm 47 and Dc is joining school in September. I will probably be the oldest mum there and possibly old enough to be the mum of some of the other parents!! At dc's settling-in sessions every one looked so young.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I'm not worried that anyone would be rude or unpleasant because of my age. I'm also not bothered about making friends at the school gate but it would be nice to have people to chat and exchange notes with while waiting and I don't want dc to miss out in any way because the other parents can't be arsed to hang out with me. I mean, for example considering how young they are if anyone invites dc for a play date they'd have to put up with me tagging along as well.

I'm also not white (first generation immigrant) but live in a predominantly white area (and the school's demographics look very homogenous to me) and I wonder if that will be a factor as well.

I know it's a controversial subject and it would be easy to say that "yes, of course, I don't care about age or colour" but actually I'd love brutally honest answers. I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking but maybe something like this: if you had a choice would you prefer talking to someone who is of a similar age and a similar background or ethnicity? Or do you feel more comfortable talking to someone who is of similar age and has a similar background?

Yanbu: yes
Yabu: no

I had my dc at 39 and 41. My mum friends were the parents of my DCs friends. Reflecting on it, most happened to be within 5-10 years of me, but the others weren’t unfriendly, so would chat at the gates , but not as close. At our school I think there were more minus in their forties then twenties

Sorry, I didn’t address the ethnicity question. Also not an issue but I am in an ethnically diverse area. I found school gate friendships much more sensitive to social class than ethnicity or age …

If you are an ok person I imagine loads if people.would talk to you. Why not. What you have in common is your kid so you'd all have plenty to talk about. If I met you at the school gate of course I'd talk to you.

My favourite school mum to chat to is about 15 years older than me, a different ethnicity, we’ve had very different life experiences.

I don’t really speak to the mums who are closer in age to me, they’re not my sort of people.

Age & race is absolutely irrelevant to me in fact if it's a stranger I would often sooner speak with the person who was twice my age & a different ethnicity. Perhaps it would help if you just relaxed & offered a smile & a nod or say hi when you walk past people, at least initially then progress from there 😊

I’ll be 45 when DC starts Reception. I’ll be 49 for Reception if this FET works and I manage to have a DC2 (it’s unlikely but I want it so much 😢). I can’t comment on potential racial discrimination as I’m white, but on the age thing, I haven’t personally felt discriminated against 🤷‍♀️.

My DC has just started at the pre-school of a small rural school and despite the small numbers, I surprisingly don’t feel out of place as there seems to be huge variety in who picks up/drops off - Mums and Dads and Grandparents, all of a variety of ages. What they do seem to have in common is they almost all drive there and drop quickly or at pick up they sit in the car till the bell rings and then straight pick up and go- almost no chat with others. Understandable as most people are likely busy with work and/or with multiple kids.

I’m hoping things improve as DC gets older and makes friends themselves- hopefully I’ll get to know the parents a bit more then, as their own DC might request play dates with mine 🤞.Typical British standoffishness can make going up to new people awkward - but “my kid wants to play with yours” gives me/them an excuse to start a conversation 🤣

I was an older mum, and one of the mum's I chatted to the most was the youngest. She was just turned 16 when the child was born so 19 at the time.

I am sure you won’t be the oldest, as there will be parents who have older children in school and a younger child in reception. I was 43 when my son started reception, but I also have a daughter in year 3. I talk to everyone and have made a lot of good friends, also I am asian, if that helps.

One of my favourite mum friends who I’ve made closest friends with is 15 years older than me and was 43 when her son was born.

The two most recent mum friends I’ve made is are both immigrants, and I think a fair bit older than me but I don’t know either of them well enough to have an exact age yet!

Anyone who would avoid you or be funny with you because of either your age or race is not worth talking to!

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. I think, I'm quite friendly and chatty. I did find the other parents (at least the ones i spoke to) at the settling in session a bit cold, including the ones whose kids are at the same nursery as dc and are friends with dc. I mean they were all polite but just a bit monosyllabic with me though they seemed to happily chat with others. I thought maybe it's my age but I guess I just need to accept I have the personality of a dung beetle 😁

In reality, I'm probably just imagining things or the other mums knew each other from else where.

I'm the opposite and was the youngest (first born when I was 15). None of the other Mum's included me as they were all probably in their late 20's/30's and I was only around 19. They were very judgemental and assumed i was unemployed and poor but i had the last laugh as talk of the playground when I bought my first house at 20 (back in the day when a 2 bed flat was £45K 😆) as I was working 3 different jobs at one point to save a hefty deposit.

I don't know why, but my gut feeling is it won't be as bad if you're the oldest as you'll be respected for life experience.

Best of luck with the FET!!

I noticed that with dc1 almost none of the parents talked to or even saw each other mostly becssue the pick up timings were so different but it's definitely different at school as there are lots of opportunities to chat while everyone is waiting to pick up their child.

I was raised not to care, at all, about a person's ethnicity, culture or creed - just their behaviour. That's not allowed anymore, but I still do it, just quietly to myself anyway 😁

You're not wrong to assume that some will be biased against you, all cultures, ethnicities, age groups and creeds have bigots. I am sure you will find friendly people too. Good luck.

One of my best mum friends is 10 years older than me, just be friendly and don’t worry about it. Most people will just be happy with someone who smiles at them and makes conversation - they’ll likely be feeling nervous too.

Oh no, I'm sorry the other mums were not more inclusive. Being to able to buy your own house at 20 deserves respect!!

I was a younger mum but made friends with mums of all ages- age never really crossed my kind (or to the extent it did it was nice to feel free to make friends of different ages rather than feeling bound by school and university years). I didn’t care at all bout ages, only who seemed approachable.

im now older and my only advice would be avoid feeling you have to be the one to always give advice rather than receive it- its too easy to falllninto a big sister relationship with younger friends. Being older doesn’t mean you always have to be the wise one.

I found the key issue with school gate relationships was that parents of first-born kids were more likely to show interest. By the time it gets to the second child and definitely the third the interest levels drop in meeting new people (as they already have so many connections via the earlier children).

If they don’t talk to you it would probably be more associated with people already knowing each other as they went to that school when they were children, live in the area, know each other as their children went to pre-school etc. I didn’t know any other mums and I was an older mum. It wasn’t a problem though. I still talked to others even though I was working so only did the school pick up a couple of evenings. It’s difficult though if you’re shy. But if you have the confidence to go up to other mums and introduce yourself you shouldn’t have a problem - particularly others standing alone. Best to do this at the start though as it would be more difficult to just go up to others after several weeks. I ended up getting to know the parents of the children my child was friends with etc. There tends to be a lot of whole class birthday parties in reception and key stage one and that’s the best opportunity to meet parents. Also find out who your child becomes friends with and get them to point out their parents / grandparents who collect them. You can have a note ready with your contact details or swap phone numbers there and then. Can organise your own play dates then.

Only because you've said you don't mind honesty....

Do you behave young? If you're nice and fun to talk to, I wouldn't care what age you are and would likely think you're younger.
If you've gotten stuck in a rut, bit boring, conservative or judgey if probably be less likely to want to interact

That’s true

I have 4DC. Last one a lot later than the first three.
I’ve made more (not better, just more of them) friend-mums in youngest DC school than previous school with 3DC. They’re about 7-8 years younger than me (so late 30s/early 40s) but definitely my wavelength compared to the 20-something mums.
its often the class you happen to be in. Some classes the mums are very close, some are cliquey and political, some aren’t close but everyone is pleasant and no politics.
i didn’t meet one friend until well into reception because she is a teacher and was never able to attend anything. As soon as we met we hit it off despite a 6 year age gap.
don’t assume everything happens at induction day. If you don’t make good friends then It’s not a reflection on you. Sometimes classes just work out that way. New kids join every now and then, there’s opportunities to meet other mums in other classes. I met one just because we walked home the same way even though kids in different years.

Are you planning on wearing a 47 badge at the gates? No one will have a clue how old you are!

I was 46 when DD started in reception and I couldn’t have cared less about my age or the age of the other parents at drop off and pick up. Fast forward 12 years and I’m still friends with some of the mums I met on DDs first day of school. You are totally overthinking it!

One of the school mums is about mid 50s now (child is 10) and she’s one of my favourites to talk to. So normal and genuine.

I’d definitely be happy to talk to you OP. A person is not their age.