Would you want to interact with a much older mum at the school gate

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I'm 47 and Dc is joining school in September. I will probably be the oldest mum there and possibly old enough to be the mum of some of the other parents!! At dc's settling-in sessions every one looked so young.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I'm not worried that anyone would be rude or unpleasant because of my age. I'm also not bothered about making friends at the school gate but it would be nice to have people to chat and exchange notes with while waiting and I don't want dc to miss out in any way because the other parents can't be arsed to hang out with me. I mean, for example considering how young they are if anyone invites dc for a play date they'd have to put up with me tagging along as well.

I'm also not white (first generation immigrant) but live in a predominantly white area (and the school's demographics look very homogenous to me) and I wonder if that will be a factor as well.

I know it's a controversial subject and it would be easy to say that "yes, of course, I don't care about age or colour" but actually I'd love brutally honest answers. I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking but maybe something like this: if you had a choice would you prefer talking to someone who is of a similar age and a similar background or ethnicity? Or do you feel more comfortable talking to someone who is of similar age and has a similar background?

Yanbu: yes
Yabu: no

I was a young mum, had my first child at 19 and fifth at 29, I made friends of all ages and nationalities at the school gate. Many of my mum friends were in their 40s and one or two in their early 50s. You don't have to be the same age to get on ☺️

Making friends with a mum of any age wouldn’t phase me whatsoever. I was 35 when my two started reception, so fairly in the middle. There were two late 40s mums and they made good friends with various-aged mums. I didn’t find age groups sticking together.

i used to chat to everyone at the school gate I was 39 when DS started school. There was a good range of ages and lots of mums around or over 40. My H was 46 when DS started school. People used to chat with him too as he often did pick ups. Play dates happen because your child makes a friend and you pretty much just go with it. It wasn’t long before I was happy to leave him for an hour and then have a chat when picking him up rather than staying for the whole thing. Same with birthday parties. Everyone chats. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

I do see why this might worry you BUT I’d say this isn’t a concern in just your situation and can affect loads of people new to a fresh beginning. Even among people of the same age, sex, local area, demographic, ethnicity etc, I’ve always gravitated to some much more than others, mostly those people who are open, genuine, unaffected and good communicators!

I’d say remain positive about the fact that it’s much more normal that they’d be interested in you than not. Maybe don’t default to using your phone as a prop and that way people can engage briefly if they’re also waiting. And be aware of possible defensive body language (folded arms, frowning, wearing sunglasses) as that’s another barrier. I always chat to whoever!!! Not every chat will lead to a new friendship but it’ll help keep avenues open.

Think of what’s the best that can happen, rather than fearing the worst!

I’m old now but there was a much older mummy when my boys were at school. I don’t think anyone thought about her differently to anyone else and as for skin colour I’d be shocked and saddened if that caused an issue.

Agree none of this should matter. I would say that there are things you can do to help forge relationships, have offers that are easy to say yes to. Such as does anyone want to go to the park after school on Friday?

You wouldn’t stand out at my school at all, I am one of the youngest in the class - was 36 when DC started. There is a high sibling intake so not many first children and in my area parents are older. Obviously it’s all relative to where you are but it wouldn’t have crossed my mind. The mum I get on with best is at least 10 years older probably more - we just get on better and our DC are friends. No one will care, you’re all adults with children in common - I wouldn’t bother thinking about it. I wish I’d made more friends with the other parents but it’s nothing to do with age it’s just personalities and interests.

If you are friendly and our kids or maybe us as adults have something in common then of course Id chat with you.

I was only slightly different in age to you when my DC started school. I didn't really feel too much older at his first school which was a private school. We switched to a local school and the age range of the parents was broader. Some of the grandparents were younger than me. However, most people were really friendly and totally accepting.

My school mum friends (now just friends as our kids are all teens/adults) range from 35 o 59. And are ethnically diverse. I am friendly to anyone friendly unless they prove themselves to be a twat.

I was your age when my youngest started school. It’s never been an issue and I’ve got long term friends significantly younger than me. You’re overthinking this. It’ll be fine!

Im 37. My closest friends are people who started off as work colleagues. We go on holiday every year the 5 of us. They range between 55 and 58 years old. Honestly could not give a damn about age or ethnicity!

Some school parents wont interact with you because they wouldn't interact with ANY other parent or any outside of their known friends. But im sure you'll find your tribe and it definitely isn't worth worrying about.

It may not be the same everywhere but at my kids' school, there's a very mixed demographic and that's true for age, race, religions, class. It seems inclusive and I think it would be hard to stand out. I guess it depends on the area - when I read about 'school mum uniform' etc on here, I don't recognise it. Don't go expecting the worst - just be friendly and open to talking to people and hope everyone is the same.

One of the glorious things about ‘the school gate’ is the chance to get to know other mums. I think it’s great to make friends outside of your own little bubble/ demographic. Differing ages/ heritages/ backgrounds make for a richer experience.
I hope you have a really good experience and meet some wonderful new chums.

I'm 47 and people talk to me 😁

How will they know you’re 47? Fair enough they’ll know you’re not 25 but they surely won’t know or care you’re 47?

Just to add - the other mums won't know youre 47 even if they realise you are likely a bit older than them.

If you feel self conscious and unwelcome because of your age/race you might subconsciously become less approachable - defensive body language, less confidence to start a conversation yourself, so make sure you overcome your own doubts before you get to the schools gates! Don't hold yourself back, hopefully you are reassured that as pps have said, its fine.

Yes, of course I would, you won't be the only older DM.
I was 40 when DS started, many older and younger parents, no issues.
Some school groups are more open than others. Nothing to do with age.

It’s just dawned on me that I was probably the oldest mum out of ds3s peers. It was never an issue (and he’s now 17)

I'm 45 and I pick my grandchildren up from school occasionally and the younger people talk to me.

There are lots of grandparents at our school gate so I very much doubt you'll be the oldest. Everyone just chats, doesn't matter who it is so long as they're friendly. I was 42 when my son started Reception, and I'm definitely not unusual.

Don't let the ones who aren't friendly bother you. We have a few, and I just think it's so unprofessional. I'm super friendly to them and they look so puzzled.

Of course - if you’re polite, respectful, have a sense of humour and don’t exude a “school gates drama” vibe, your age or race would make no difference to me.
I made friends with a woman at a playgroup I used to take DCs 1 & 2 to when they were little. My DCs are very close in age (less than 2 years apart) and there was another brother/sister duo with a similar age gap they gravitated towards. I’m now embarrassed to admit that initially I did assume the woman with them was either their grandmother or a nanny 🫣🥴 But turns out she was their mum, and had given birth in her late 40’s. She was lovely, so were her children and we stayed friendly until I moved away from the area despite the fact that she was in her late 40’s and I’d only just turned 22!

I would speak to anyone who smiled and seemed chatty! If someone started talking to me, I'd be happy and have a conversation. My children aren't at school now, apart from one in sixth form. But I'm 5 years older than you and have friends 10 years older than me, and some work friends who are 25 years younger. We have some great conversations.

It will be fine its just like being at work people talk and socialise with all ages. I dont think age is a thing friendship wise when your an adult

Don’t think it matters, now really good friends with someone 20 years younger than me. Our kids now in high school don’t even get on very well! If you click you click