Would you want to interact with a much older mum at the school gate

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I'm 47 and Dc is joining school in September. I will probably be the oldest mum there and possibly old enough to be the mum of some of the other parents!! At dc's settling-in sessions every one looked so young.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I'm not worried that anyone would be rude or unpleasant because of my age. I'm also not bothered about making friends at the school gate but it would be nice to have people to chat and exchange notes with while waiting and I don't want dc to miss out in any way because the other parents can't be arsed to hang out with me. I mean, for example considering how young they are if anyone invites dc for a play date they'd have to put up with me tagging along as well.

I'm also not white (first generation immigrant) but live in a predominantly white area (and the school's demographics look very homogenous to me) and I wonder if that will be a factor as well.

I know it's a controversial subject and it would be easy to say that "yes, of course, I don't care about age or colour" but actually I'd love brutally honest answers. I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking but maybe something like this: if you had a choice would you prefer talking to someone who is of a similar age and a similar background or ethnicity? Or do you feel more comfortable talking to someone who is of similar age and has a similar background?

Yanbu: yes
Yabu: no

OP my school gate mum friends range from age 24 (had her first age 16) to 44, and we all get on great :) go out for end of term dinners, help each other out with pick ups, etc. We didn't know each other's ages for most of the first year, and now years on (our kids are all around 8 years old) it really doesn't come up! Just be friendly and smiley and I am hopeful you will find the same energy :)

Also- our kids are mostly all different races, which is normal to the area I live in. Maybe it would be different in a more homogenous area. At first we kind of linked up by who our kids were making friends with on their first few days or weeks, and then it was whoever wanted to join the conversation really.

Im 27 and have a 10 year old and a 4 year old. So my second would be getting school the same time as yours. Age doesn’t matter to me, I really don’t think it’s matters to most people anymore. One of my closest friends is mid 50s. I wouldn’t worry honestly.

Honestly some people will (forget them) and some people won't.

I have a friend who is older with a young DC. What she does really well is reciprocal arrangements. She has a lovely home so she often organises get togethers there. Does lots of skill swapping with other mums. Coordinates nights out.

Just be yourself and ignore any negativity.

Hmmm, I was a young mum (19 with first), so most of the mums were closer to my mums age than mine - I was one of the youngest mums and really really struggled to make friends - but I had a great group of non-mum/non-school gate friends and that helped. I did start making friends in my late 20s when my DD was much much older - and I think it's because I gained some life experience and had more to chat about with some of the mums.

I always assume being an older mum is easier - I find society judges anyone that has kids below the age of 30. I had my second at 30 something and I fit right in - but then the next layer is going beyond small talk and actually clicking based on personality.

I'm not a social butterfly, so if I don't find a conversation interesting, or I don't click with someone, I struggle to continue the relationship - mainly because I am awkward so I'm doing us all a favour if we don't get on. But I don't judge based on age - I have friends - or at least people I have great company with from early teens right up to 70 year olds.

Several mums in my eldest DC's class were around fifty at start of reception, and many dads were older too (one was in his early sixties) everyone got on well. I remember two of the older mums particularly weren't obviously older as they were trim and stylish. Once you are a parent you are a parent, whether you're 25 or 45!

I was 44 and wasn’t the oldest mum. There will definitely be people to talk to. If anyone doesn’t talk to you because of your colour, they’re not worth getting to know anyway. Just relax and join in OP.

When you ask a question like this everybody is going to say that they talk to everybody at the school gate. But OP you know this is generally not true, otherwise you would not be asking the question. People actively graduate to those from the same racial and class background. In fact class seems to trump race as a criteria for belonging. If you are friendly and able to dismiss those who pretend they don’t see you. Just stay true to yourself.

I have no idea what age most of the mums of my son’s class are. The ones I spend time with are the ones who are friendly, down to earth and have a good sense of humour. The ones I don’t bother with are the stuck up ones who look down their noses at me.

My children are adults now and most parents were mid 30s and similar age.
My daughter is early 30s and has child in reception. The couple that she has really clicked with are mid 40s ,professionals and on the same wavelength with my daughter and partner. Definitely be open minded and not worry too much.

My son's friends mum told me recently that she had a child the same age as me but I talk to her at the school gates all the time and even chat to her on WhatsApp. I am also friendly with a polish lady and a Hungarian lady that I chat to at the school gates. It's not a problem for me at all. It's just nice to have someone to chat to. I'm sure you will be fine xx

Are you really much older? At our schools gates most would be around 35-40 so I don’t think that will be a big issue unless the demographic is very different. For me colour and age wouldn’t come into it although I can see that I might have less in common with someone who was 21 in that I’d imagine we are at different life stages generally.
Personally, I looked for parents who parented similarly to me as their kids tended to be well behaved which my child preferred - they find very boisterous kids a bit overwhelming but I think it was led by my child’s friendships and proximity - parents who got involved and were present at picks I tended to see more and that naturally evolved more into a friendship! Best of luck with it all !

If this is any help to you OP, I was one of the oldest mums at the school gate and that didn’t stop people talking to me. In fact of the mums I talked to most, one was slightly older than me and the other was nearly young enough to be my daughter. Things may have changed since I had my DC, but mums staying at a play date was only a thing for the first couple of times and even then, once the DC were settled into the school and more confident, parents would just pick the children up after tea.

I was also an older mum. In fact I met several grandmothers younger than me which mortified me at first - but then I realised that it didn’t matter.
The sad thing was that I got to know one (and only) older mum than me, but she never made any effort with the other mums/parents at all. I tried inviting her to different things (coffee meet ups, after school park trips etc) which she would sometimes come along to with her DD, but she would never engage at all!! I tried really hard to introduce her to the other mums that I’d met. But she’d only ever talk to me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that a lot of these things happen when you put effort in. (Which she didn’t.)
Fix a friendly smile and engage and I’m sure you’ll be fine. Anyone who isn’t interested because of your date of birth or heritage isn’t worth knowing anyway!
Hope your LO settles in well op.

Honestly, this is one of the main reasons why we have decided to stretch and send DC to an independent school. I'll be 44 when DC starts reception and at the information night we went to for the local state school we were by far the oldest people in the room, with people tripping over themselves to talk about "parents, grandparents and carers" being so welcome. The independent has parents who were much more in their late 30s and 40s.

For the life of me I never understood the school gate angst. I couldn't have cared less who spoke or didn't speak to me.
It was 5mins out of my day. They weren't my friends and I didn't need them to be. I was quite happy not to speak to anybody at all because I really couldnt be arsed making conversation.

So I would probably be one of the ones not talking to you! Because I not because of your age or colour but because I am lazy and shite at small talk!

I was an old school gate mum as well. Can't say it bothered me. I looked in better shape than most of the young mums😂

I'd be very happy o chat to you. Unless you live in a really racist area, then you don't need to worry about your race or age you need to worry about how clean and bouncy your hair is and how nice your Pilates leggings are to be high status school mum

I say that tongue in cheek but you did ask