Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

Well I’d invite a friend over her dd for staters

I’d also say as the girl enters my home “ok, so no leaving anyone out today girls, and I’ll be listening out for it!”

what does your younger dd think about it?

This is really easy.

Invite another friend for your younger DD at the same time.

Your older DD is absolutely entitled to develop relationships that don’t include her sister.

Can the other dd also invite a friend over so they both have friends but are in pairs not an awkward three?

So this your eldest daughter has a friend over and they leave out the youngest?

a year is a big deal especially as one primary and one secondary

simple solution…. Younger dd gets her own friend over. From her year group!

Such a no brainer isn’t it?!

I would only invite her when the youngest one has her own friend to play with. I would also mention to the older child (who is happily excluding her own sister) that the reason she can't come unless sister has a friend is because they have been mean by leaving her out!
They know what they are doing at that age.

Your older DD is absolutely entitled to develop relationships that don’t include her sister.

This.

As pp said invite a friend for the younger DD or you do something with her. Make it a time for you to have some one-on-one time with the younger one.

At the park I think everyone needs to play with everyone, but at home it's fair for the older girls to have some time alone.

Occasionally I have done double play dates but sometimes it’s very last minute and I don’t want to feel I need to do that every time.

Is it the friend or your dd who wants to leave out the younger one? That’s kind of relevant.

At one time, my eldest would interfere when youngest had a friend over, so for a while I only let them have friends over if either one was out or both had someone. They didn't share a bedroom, but they tended to play downstairs then or in the garden anyway.

You need for your younger DD to have a friend of her own over for play dates where that’s possible, and to keep her occupied yourself whilst explaining that her sister’s friends won’t always be her friends when it isn’t.

If, every time you spent time with a friend, her sister who you weren’t especially fond of was always there to tag along, would you be keen to spend time with your friend; or would you get annoyed and start either distancing from the friendship or trying to suggest the sister wasn’t always around?

I don’t think young children are really any different: we expect a lot of children in terms of inclusivity and kindness and sharing, which few of us would actually tolerate all that well in our own lives and friendships.

Also curious if it is the friend wanting to leave your other DD out
ETA: primary school was where I encountered the most toxic and manipulative peers.

I think sleepovers seem to be the main problem because the girls are all in together.

It is, I hear her saying come on lets go upstairs before she sees or pretends to play hide and seek but never looks for her.

I have 2 DDs although they are 2 school years apart rather than one

I don’t expect them to include the other when having friends round

In your shoes I would either try to get a friend round for DD2 as well, or failing that, DD2 does an activity with you

Sleepovers were always going to be tricky with a shared bedroom. Could the sleepover happen on blow up beds in the living room?

Are they age 6 & 7 or school years 6 & 7?

Can you just use the time that DD1 has a friend over to spend some quality time with DD2?

I've been the older sister in this situation and my mum would try to make me include my younger sister when I had friends over but honestly sometimes I just wanted to hang out with my friends and not have my sister cramping my style 😂 not saying your younger does but that's how I felt!

This is weird op

sometimes it’s very last minute? Ok so if you don’t have another girl for your daughter over, it’s a no.

and does your daughter actually WANT to be involved with her sister’s friend? They are at different schools!

It's your elder Dd who she's friends with, not your younger. Your Dd and her friend and entitled to spend timebtogether without involving Dd2

This is he problem with shared rooms, again they want to have a sleepover without someone else listening in or eves dropping. Could Dd2 come in with you? Or could they sleep in the living room?

And what does your daughter say in response?

you have to let the DDs have their own friends, and you can't force their friends to be on board with including the sibling just because she's there.

That is just daft and setting them all up for an unsatisfactory outcome.

If one DD has a friend over, then you need to otherwise occupy the other DD.

I have 2 18 months apart, they are grown up now, but that was a very important lesson for me to learn, and luckily i learned it early on.

I think yabu.

I used to really dislike having younger siblings tagalong when I was a child, be it my own younger sibling or my friends.

Can’t you occupy your younger daughter?

Definitely the living room for sleepovers.

As others have said, invite a friend for your other DD too.

Nobody should have to be friends with people they don't want to be.

then there are no sleepovers.

It really does require planning and careful handling,, but you simply cannot impose one of your DDs on the other DDs friends. That is just batshit