Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

I had many play dates ruined with my best friend's little sister forcing herself in. I didn't want to play with a six year old when I was nine. It's tiresome and it spoils things. I know the siblings share a space but if one has a guest the other one shouldn't force themselves in all the time. That'd like never being g able to see your friend without her husband.

I'm reading this thread in disbelief. Of course friend doesn't get to deceive the younger sibling.

I have an open door house, there are loads of kids coming and going, but nobody gets to be rude to the people who live here.

I have DDs who share a room and would never tell one of them they aren't allowed in their own bedroom because the other has a friend over. I might encourage them to choose to do something different but they don't get forced out to accommodate people who won't be nice to them.

So many say put the kids to sleep in the living room

how does that work as surely they are asleep 8/9 age depending and you want an evening

or do you the parents go to your room and read /watch tv till your bedtime

This!

As others have said, she is not her sister's keeper and this is doubly the case here where her younger sister seems to have some sort of social difficulties which have stopped her making her own friends. You will make Dd1 hate dd2.

Wow that is young for sleepovers.
A couple hour visit I’d either entertain younger dd myself or invite someone for her. It’s fine for your older DD to want to play with her friends 1:1.
For sleepovers given they share a room your younger dd has to be included, if they won’t do that and are mean to your dd then no sleepovers. The girl doesn’t sound like a nice person anyway.

Do 7 year olds have regular sleepovers?

that seems awfully young

This. I’d be more concerned about the personality of the friend, and the sort of influence she is. She sounds very possessive over your dd (her friend), manipulative, and ultimately not very nice. Is she an only child? Or one of many desperate for attention? Do your daughters get on well themselves?

It’s your other daughter’s bedroom and home too. I don’t feel it’s fair to kick her out of her room for the friend, not often anyway. And certainly ensure it works both ways. Other daughter can go to friends, or they sleep in a tent in the garden or something.

My nieces share a room, are 2 years apart, (3 school years), and it’s my sister who is having to make sure they have some non-sister involved play time, as they all get along and play well.

I might be encouraging daughter to invite other friends over a bit more. Ones who are nicer and kinder.

I assume the older DD has to put up with her younger sister’s behaviour quite a lot, and having to share a room she has nowhere to go if she wants a break. I assume she has to follow the demands of the younger one quite a lot to avoid meltdowns. It’s possible she has told her friend about her sister and friend is trying to manipulate the situation so they can avoid her.

Yes I would find a way to make it work if the sleepovers are to continue and this would be one solution.

The younger DD should absolutely have her own space protected, but the 2 friends should also absolutely be facilitated to play by themselves and not forced to include her, no matter how much she kicks and screams!

Some posters have not read the extra information about the behavioural problems of the younger daughter. This throws new light on the situation and explains why the visitor may not be that keen to include dd2.

Those spouting that they must all play together are of the “we must appease the difficult one” playbook. I’ve been there with a sibling and I can tell you it’s not fair! Even on my 21st birthday dsis chose the menu or “she’ll be in a bad mood”. Trivial example but always dancing around the pain in the arse is exhausting.

It’s not like it’s every night. Once a month of watching a movie or two in my bedroom isn’t a hardship to create space for my child and a friend to have a fun sleepover.

Although in all the sleepovers that have happened I’ve never known the children to be asleep by 9pm.

Also depends on your house layout. If you have a separate dining room, so then you don’t need to go upstairs to give space.

Exactly this! My daughter had a friend who was an only child, this girl could not fathom my daughter letting her brothers join in for craft or a movie or even sit at the table together for afternoon tea! It was all in at our place, no one excluded in the younger years and everyone treated with kindness and respect.

They’re not being mean! They’re just friends with each other, which is very normal on that age. If it was a younger boy would they be expected to play with him?

Such entitlement.
It's your daughters home fgs how unreasonable.
I wouldn't invite her.

Yes let’s teach the older daughter that her friends don’t matter and her sister must always be pandered to. That will set them up for a great relationship when they’re older.

Bloody hell OP, if this is causing you a major issue now, then god help the teenage years!

Have you formulated a plan yet?

This is what will happen, very likely. Resentment from your older child.

Your eldest should be able to have friends over independent of her sister.

OP, rather than giving your bedroom to one of your daughter's would it be possible to split the bedroom & make a smaller room for each of them & you & your partner have their room. Or have you any space in your garden to build a cabin type structure to use as a playroom, I know that may create more problems but there would be choice of 2 separate places to play. Having worked with children with ODD I know how hard & exhausting it can be.💐

@kindamean if your oldest daughter and friend play with DD2 do they always have to choose a game that DD2 wants to play, can they choose a game each? What happens if they choose a game DD2 doesn't want to play, does she shout, kick, bite then?

Having now read all of your updates your biggest issue to tackle is not regarding play dates but more your struggle to set any boundaries at all for your ODD younger child.
You have unwittingly taught that screaming, shouting, fighting and repeats of this behaviour gets your daughter exactly what she wants every single time. You are not in charge of this household it’s firmly under the reins of a 6 year old and I kindly mean this when I say it, but you sound scared of tackling the situation. It sounds really hard, and yes scary, but both your girls need you to be the adult in charge.
It is difficult to know if this 7 year old playmate is being mean, is scared or even fed up of being bossed around by the younger sister but the dynamic will not be solved by making your eldest suck it up each time.
I also notice that you assume a time when there are 3 playing together is the same as when your youngest also has a playmate, thus making four. Obviously the dynamic is completely different and would sometimes make all playing together easier.
There is nothing wrong with mentioning to both girls, and friends mum, that kindness is expected at all times and to stamp out any mean behaviour the moment you see it. That does not equate to constantly including a child you yourself are struggling to handle though.
Your youngest needs help to develop her own interests, and hopefully friendships, as this will be so beneficial throughout her life.
I really feel for you but you can’t put all this on a 7 year old.

I absolutely wouldnt be hosting playdates and sleepovers with a kid that was a pain in the arse and mean to my other daughter in her own home. Its not fair on anyone and its awkward to manage.

@Branleuse and what if DD2 is mean to anyone? Doesn't sound like DD2 has much control over her behaviour. What if DD2 kicks or bites a guest friend?

It is possible for both things to be true:

• DD2 needs to be encouraged to show more respect for her sister's boundaries and give her space to play separately with her friends, and
• This friend in particular isn't very nice and takes advantage of DD2's vulnerability to exclude her, or at least isn't above doing it in a mean and unpleasant way.

Ultimately, it's a question of balance between individual rights (DD1's right to her own independent friendships) and the welfare of the broader family involving DD2. And that's a difficult one to manage and unfortunately needs a lot of parental input, and sometimes the balance will be wrong and hopefully sometimes the OP will get it right.

Does she have something she loves to do? Baking? Video games? My eldest is maybe ASD, maybe ADHD, something anyway still being investigated and can be held away from something if he has an undivided adults attention and a favoured activity.

I am fortunyenough to have separate bedrooms for both children though and also that they actively still want to involve each other despite a 3 yr gap.

Have you tried anything to help youngest socially?