Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

@kindamean Are you sure it’s the friend that doesn’t want your youngest to join? I would hazard a guess that your oldest at the very least shares this feeling and at most is using the friend as a convenient excuse/scapegoat.

I agree with most everyone else you need to be doing a couple of things here at the same time…

Encourage separate friends for DD2 and find ways to keep DD2 occupied when friend is over.

It sounds counterintuitive but giving each space will increase the likelihood of a good relationship between your daughters.

DD1 and DD2 should both be allowed to have their friends to play without having to include their sibling.

Yes, they share a room, but this can still work. My DD's are 4 years apart and share a room and it has always been fine regarding playdates/sleepovers.

Each DD has a right to form relationships that do not include their siblings.

If you cannot make this work - then it is a no.

If the other parent asks why her DD is not invited back it's because they share a room so it makes it diffcult.

Long term your eldest will resent your youngest. And they won't be close growing up. You can try to prevent this by allowing your eldest her friends and working with your youngest to make some.

This update adds another dimension to the situation and is even more reason for you to work with your DD2.

Do you have a partner? Can you arrange to take DD2 out for the day while your eldest stays home with dad and her friend? Or even get her enrolled in a club of her interest and then when she’s at the club that’s designated play date time for your oldest? Or failing that you just need to explain to your youngest in an age appropriate way that her older sister needs time on her own with her friends. It must be hard to see your youngest upset OP but it’s not your other daughter’s responsibility and I’m sure you know this. Sounds tough though.

To me the strangest part of this are sleepovers at the age of 7, i just wouldn't feel comfortable

Yes I've experienced this before. I tried to play with one daughter so the eldest could go play. But it didn't work out well and left my youngest in tears. I then said friend couldn't come unless she played with both daughters. She agreed but started being mean to my youngest, then we ended all play visits from that particular friend. Because it was more hassle than it was worth. Interesting someone mentioned the only child element. Because daughter's friend is an only child too! We ended up inviting other friends that didn't exclude the younger sister. Don't get me wrong, I'll try to steer the youngest away from them most of the time e.g. baking, gardening, playing games etc but they play together a little bit. After all it's basic good manners to be civil to everyone in the home, and exclusion is never nice.

There was a year between my sister and I and I remember this scenario clearly unfortunately. I was always forced to include my younger sister when I was playing with my friends and I hated it . Even though there was just a year between us we were very different in terms of maturity etc and she used to ruin any playdates or play times . Please let your eldest daughter have her time alone with her friend I know it's not easy to do so all the time

I think long term we’ll be looking to give one of the girls our room and convert the lounge into a bedroom for us as it’s not working although that’s not ideal either.

Wow… so your oldest lost friend privileges because of your youngest? I feel sorry for her.

@kindamean this is a good example of what not to do.

You need to keep your younger DD out of the way while her sister has playdates or sleepovers. It's not fair to make the older one responsible for entertaining her little sister.

I don’t think you need to have a friend for DD2 every time but you should at least take it in turns for friends staying over and don’t expect the other DD to be included. They might only be 18 months apart but I remember being at school and thinking the people in the year below me were babies lol. You wouldn’t be friends outside your year group.

Your DDs are now going to need to have relationships outside one another. Why don’t you get a blow up mattress and have the DD1 and friend sleep in the living room if they are excluding DD2 from her bedroom

Ergh its hard but I wouldn't be encouraging this friendship.

Your oldest has other friends and its crap for your youngest.

No adhoc play dates

"Sorry Jane's mum, Jane cant come over tomorrow as she insists on excluding dd2 slwhich os understandably upsetting. To avoid that I need to arrange double play dates and its just to short notice."

I'd also be declining all sleepovers at mine on the basis the girls share a room and Jane is mean to dd2.

If Janes mum wants to host send your eldest off but I wouldn't be facilitating the exclusion of my youngest

I feel so sorry for your oldest DD here. It was your job to keep your youngest out of her sisters way.

Is it just the friend who doesn't want your other DD around or also her sister? If it's just the friend she's being a bit mean.

Invite another friend but if they're sleeping over the friend has to suck up them all being in the same room or she doesn't stay over.

There only a handful of people we do sleepover with and they’ve been friends since nursery and we know the parents well.
some have a younger sibling who make a 4 and the children all play well together which is probably why it upsets the youngest so much when she’s not included with this one friend.

being civil yes, being rude shouldn’t be tolerated and should be nipped in the bud but forced inclusion no. How would you react if every single time you planned something with a friend they brought their husband along who you didn’t know very well or were particularly friendly with. It totally changes the dynamic and I’m sure you would arrange less meet ups!

I have exactly the same ages as you, 11 months apart, and the same issues, which are all with only-child visitors, funnily enough. My younger child is as sociable as the elder though, and the issues arise with both of their friends.
While I do try to have two kids over, or invite when only one of my children is at home, often we have someone over to play as a favour to their parents rather than because we have invited them, which means that perfect planning isn't always possible.
I draw a hard line at people being welcomed into a home and being unkind to anyone that lives there, though. I don't think it's reasonable to complain about the younger child simply existing in her own home, and if friends don't like it, they don't have to visit if they prefer. I talk about this with my own children frequently and we talk about what they can say to stand up to poor treatment of their sibling.

That can be a full blown battle with some children, she’s only 6 and this would cause a full blown meltdown.

But she’s friends with your older DD. I’d have absolutely hated being forced to include my younger sisters when I had my friends over!

ETA - I wouldn’t do sleepovers though.

I don't get this attitude. At all.

Being sisters and sharing a room doesn't mean they have to socialise together on playdates and include each other constantly. They should both have the opportunity to have friendships without their sibling hanging about.

I think forcing your kids to share friends and activities like sleepovers is a really bad idea and a really good way to foster resentment and mess up young friendships.

Realise that they’re not yr 6 and yr 7, so sleeping in living room prob not appropriate

As pp said invite a friend for the younger DD or you do something with her.

This exactly. Your older DD doesn't have to include her sister in her friendships, nor does the younger DD need this.

Why wouldn't it be appropriate?