Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

First of all can the sleepovers. Of course the other child’s parents wants them-her parents get a night off!
My girls are the same age gap as yours and we invited a friend over for both, you say she doesn’t have friends, well this might help.
OR you insist she stays with you. Bake with her or watch a film together. Explain to her first that she’s to stay with you.

Having said that, I wouldn’t be letting the visiting child be mean, your younger daughter has a right to exist in her own home and actually I’ve found most of the time the kids will all mix. Beware of a controlling influence.

Or perhaps people are just pointing out that by you not having the battle, your other child suffers the consequences all of the time.

She’s 6, you’re her parent, you can keep her out of the way for one play date.

ODD children are not immune to rules & boundaries, you have to pick your battles absolutely but for the sake of your other child this is a battle that you do HAVE to pick.

They’re 6 and 7 aren’t they, not year 6 & 7? That’s way too old to be excluding like this.

They need to watch the Bluey episode where Coco tries to leave out Bingo!

I had a friend who always had to look after her younger brother and I hated going to their house. It changes the dynamics, I wanted to see my friend, not her annoying little brother! And I’m not an only child - just saying…

And if I go upstairs to retrieve her once she’s escaped my clutches, she will grab fight, struggle and grab onto every banister on the way down screaming before starting the process again with more determination and if she manages to get under the bed, try getting her out.

Hang on though, she’s 6, not 16? Surely you just bring her back down again? Repeatedly. Do you have a partner who can help out? If this is a pinch point, couldn’t one of you take youngest to the cinema, or a clip and climb? I appreciate it’s really difficult but you’ve got to have a way to insist on some level of discipline- what if she wants to do something dangerous- could you stop her?

You certainly can’t just always let her do what she wants, ODD or not. Not fair on her sister or on her.

Well done, of course I didn’t think of that. On the other hand I’m more likely to wake up if I hear them moving around. I don’t think it’s that unusual for someone to want young children in rooms nearby. You’re better able to hear in an emergency.

They are aged 6 and 7 not year 6 and 7

@Lafufufu I think you need to read all of OP's posts.
DD2 is difficult and has no friends of her own. It's not fair for DD1 to miss out on having friends over be cause her younger sister has ODD (which is characterised by uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behaviour).

I'm pretty sure most people are thinking this is from the eldest daughter and not the visiting friend who's dictating what goes on in a house she doesn't belong to. It's the only explanation for some of these replies. The only answer is to tell the friend to go home if she's not happy.

And yes as a PP said. Beware a controlling influence. They get worse as they get older.

If you cannot control a 6 year old OP how do you plan to manage a 16 year old?

All you are teaching your other child is that what her sibling wants trumps what she wants, because her sibling will kick off until she gets it. Flip the narrative on that. She can grab every bannister on the way down but she WILL be coming back down, and she will stay down. Distract, take her out, put a lock on the door if you have to.

You can let her rule your life if you want to but you can’t let her continue to trample all over what her sibling wants just because she shouts the loudest.

You maybe need to take charge then.

Mayne invite the friend over at a time convenient to you when you have either arranged a play date for the younger sister, or plan something you can do alone with the younger child whilst her sister is busy (for at least some of the time). At other times tell your older DC either she includes her sister or friend doesn’t come round again.

This. It's a mix, isn't it? Tbh kids who cause problems for our family dynamic get invited less often. Friend sounds like a bit of a meanie and, while you should be facilitating DD1 to have her own friendships separately from other children, I'd probably encourage other friendships.

But we mostly play with families with lots of kids of different ages here. Even the toddlers get stuck in with the older kids though the older kids can go upstairs to escape them. If my older DC has a particular friend he wants to spend time with, either friend comes over and slots into our family or the other parent and I will book them into holiday camp together.

I'm not a strict parent or host but I'm not having an over-indulged 7yo with poor manners and a mean streak ruling the roost in my house to the detriment of my other child.

I had to Google ODD. Sounds rough for you but I imagine that is part of the reason the friend doesn’t want to play with her.

Why don’t you just confide in the other Mum and say that you can’t really reciprocate hosting due to your younger daughter’s condition?

Hi op, your dd having OdD is even more reason to let your dd have a friendship that is not dominated by her sisters needs. I have a toddler and an 8yo old.

playdates are incredibly hard for me as it is impossible to keep her away from the older kids, but I set up an activity, allow her screen time and sometimes even hire a babysitter to be here with the older kids while I take my toddler out. Sounds extreme BUT my older child deserves their own space because they have to compromise SO much by having a much younger sibling who takes up much more of my time than them.

my adult nieces are also a year apart and this happened throughout. SIL thought it very cute and never listened to her older daughter about needing her own friends. Result was that they did not have any separate friends as this spilled over into school as well, and they are not even close now.

I guarantee if you can’t control your dd, she’s spoiling and dominating things on the play date too. No wonder the friend is saying what she does.

there is no need for you to sleeping in the living room when they have a room that is perfectly fine as is. Either stop the sleepovers OR put your dd on an inflatable bed in your room for one night.

I’m one of those strict mothers that just won’t allow for this kind of nonsense. No one is deliberately left out and made to feel unwelcome. Family (no matter how young) take care of each other and guests invited into our home abide by this rule. Allowing unkindness to fester is unhealthy and teaches very bad behaviours.

Well one of them was 9 and he knows how to unlock a door. I can’t really see what they could have done to keep them locked in. I doubt they thought their 9 year old would orchastrate a McDonald’s breakfast run.

I’d hate this OP.

I would just make it clear that my other child WILL be coming to the park. I’d stop the sleepovers altogether as I wouldn’t be ok with my youngest being treated like this in her own home or kicked out her own bedroom and 7yr olds don’t need sleepovers, if her friend is unpleasant then this is the outcome. It sounds like the friend has the issue and not your eldest daughter.

I feel sorry for you OP, as it must be extremely difficult. However, I don’t blame the 7 year old friend for not wanting to play with her friend’s younger sister. She isn’t coming to see her. At those ages the older child will be miles ahead and older than the 6 year old.

I imagine your younger child’s ODD can make it difficult for her sister. She will want her own identify and friendships. Would it be possible to speak the the friend’s mum and see if she can speak to her about obliging the younger child for a short time?

As you say it’s the friend who won’t play with your youngest, and not your elder daughter, I would be careful this friend doesn’t turn your eldest daughter against her sister.

This friend needs to be told that it’s the three of them … your house your rules,,especially as older dd hasn’t a problem with her little sis’.

Also, just to allow the two eldest to play for a little while, instead of “making” the youngest stay downstairs, could you think of an activity that she would WANT to stay downstairs for, something that she feels is a treat or privilege?

Also to add if you can’t get a handle on your dd now, teen years are going to be hell for you. And I can assure you that your older dd will have a lot of resentment to her sister as they grow up. You can’t allow the 6yo to rule the roost.

I think the fact that the older dd doesn’t say anything is that she is secretly happy that someone is saying something. She’s hardly going to say this about her sister if they are very close. I’m sure she doesn’t want her sister taking over yet again too.

But the visiting child can?

Do you want your older daughter to spend all her free time outside the home as she gets older? Not able to have friends over, possibly not able to study, or just have peace and quiet? That's what's going to happen.

You're describing pretty intense behavioural issues from your youngest. Yet you expect a 7 year old and her friend to include your youngest to keep her calm?

Is there another parent in the home? Does your youngest have a treatment plan or therapy and have you had training in how to manage her?

Er, you’ve demonstrated why the visiting child doesn’t want to include your younger dd!

ODD relates to any unwelcome instruction and will be at school too etc (eg not lining up, sitting down etc); at six it sounds as if she is still in the basic tantrum stage, over which you have power. Believe me, ceding power to a 6-year-old does not end well. Because 6-year-olds become 16-year-olds!

My oldest dsis (also a tantrummer) was friendless and dm was mad keen to equalise things with dsis2. This involved not allowing dsis2 friends/parties nor being allowed on holiday with friend and her parents because dsis1 would go berserk.