Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

This with bells on. No better way to make siblings resent one another than not to allow them to have their own friendships.

If you find your younger dd hard to manage, maybe dd1’s friend does too?

Bit of a drip feed that DD2 has ODD!

This seems like more of a reason to let DD1 have her own friendships separate from her sister, and less of a reason to blame the visiting friend for not wanting to play with a younger sister who has trouble with social interactions.

Are you close to the other mum? My friend has a similar situation with a younger one close in age and I always have the ‘don’t leave anyone out’ talk on the way there. If I knew they weren’t being kind to the sibling I’d be saying they can’t go again if it continues as it’s their home. Also interested to know how you’ve handled it when she’s mean, do you say anything?

I don’t know, I probably wouldn’t want my 7 year old sleeping downstairs in the front room while I’m upstairs and can’t hear what they’re up to

And that’s something you need to deal with, rather than avoiding it by allowing her to impose on her sister and her sister’s friend.

id stop the sleepovers with this friend “sorry but as you dont include youngest DD and its her bedroom too, DD isnt allowed sleepovers anymore.” Simple as that.
I would also stop her coming over as much.

Feel like that would be one of the things oldest would be bringing up with therapy in 20 years

Long term your eldest will resent your youngest

I disagree. 13 months but two school years between me and my sister, and this sort of crap was the biggest source of arguments when we were younger. Mum insisted we did everything together and my sister hated it. We are now the best of friends and have been since we were in our late teens. She does, however, really resent my mum for never letting her be her own person.

Lots of children sleep on different floors from their parents.

If it’s a general ‘come round and play at my house’ after school situation, then all children present should be expected to interact nicely together or get sent home.

If it’s an organised play date intended to build a specific friendship - then the younger DD can be excluded provided that no one is mean (just as the older can be told to leave the younger and her friends alone). In that scenario it is not mean to tell her she needs to find something else to do/call on her own friends.

On the one hand this other girl sounds a little mean and I’m not sure how much I’d encourage that friendship - ideally you’d even want your daughter to be able to stand up to her and say I don’t want to leave my sister out. When my best friend came over at that age we’d absolutely play with my younger siblings as well even if it was mostly bossing them around. On the other hand, I do get how you want to allow your daughter to have her own friendships - one suggestion is having them “camp” for their sleepover in the lounge.

Then you need to make the rule that there are no last minute play dates due to this behaviour. Put your foot down and mean it.

If your eldest is playing in her room with a friend-why can't your youngest play elsewhere for that time?

I know it’s hard. My DD is 6 and my DS has just turned 4. They normally pretty happily play together pretty well to say their age gap and the fact they’re a boy and a girl. When DD has friends round it can be hard to see DS get left out, and it’s hard to explain to him his sister has a right to her own pals. Normally I will invite one of his pals round when I invite one of hers, because that negates the issue but that’s not always possible.

When it’s not possible for me to have a friend over for both I will do something with DS that he likes to keep him out the girls way for a bit, let him watch a movie in our room ect. Then towards the end of the play date I’ll set up a group activity like decorating biscuits or cakes or making something. DD and her pal don’t have to join in, but they normally do and sometimes that just leads to them all playing together naturally and I can go and sit down lol. A little social engineering is fine now and the.

However, this girl seems a bit mean spirited. So I’d be keeping an eye on that. If I’d caught them doing that hide and seek shit in my house I’d probably have told her off. Something along the lines of “it’s fine if you don’t want to play with (child), but in this house we don’t exclude people like that. It’s mean to pretend you’re playing hide and seek and leave (child) hiding and waiting for ages. If you do it again I will be sending you home.”

Maybe I’m just being over cautious because when my nieces and nephews were younger they had a sleepover and all slept in the front from. They were aged between 5-9 and by DB and DSIL slept in and when they woke up at just gone 9, all the kids had gone out, one of them had had the bright idea to walk to McDonald’s. DB didn’t hear them leave, they were all fine but still

More so aimed at the friend @Namechangean. Its not the sister excluding her, but the friend. Maybe just invite a different friend.

I note the sly digs at only children on this thread. As usual.

It's hard not to feel sorry for the older child in this situation. Her own friendships are being deprioritised in order to appease and placate her younger sibling. I wonder what else she is having to suck up in order to avoid dd2 having a meltdown.

You would be extremely unreasonable to limit and restrict your oldest's friendships because you have a hard time managing your youngest's meltdowns. Not only will she resent her sister, she's going to resent you.

It is not your oldest's job to manage her sister's meltdowns when she is told no to playing with her and her friends. It's not your oldest's job to make friends that your youngest can play with.

Have you and her dad had any training to help manage her in the home?

If this is the friend that is excluding your younger daughter then I wouldn't be encouraging her to visit when the younger one is around, she sounds a mean spirited child.

I may not have read this right. Is it the friend who doesn't want to include your younger daughter, or is it your elder daughter?

And if it's the former, what does the elder daughter say about it?

You can't really expect DD and her friend to include your other daughter in their friendship. It is also really horrid for your younger DD to be feeling unwanted and left out in her own home. I agree you either make sure they both have friends over, or else you occupy DD. Make it a mummy and daughter movie night or whatever and she sleeps in with you.

That is not your eldest DD’s problem.

This would be bad enough for any kid but expecting a slightly older daughter, who is only 7, to step in and include a neurodivergent sibling is way out of line. I’m sure she already feels sidelined by the time and space your 6 year old naturally (and necessarily) takes up. Having a friend over who she can just be with, with no stress is really important to her.

The friend isn’t being mean. I’ve no doubt they also have to deal with whatever issues you experience with your 6 year old and that’s hard for a 7 year old to get their head round. I’m also sure your own daughter is delighted to run away and hide from her sister from time to time and happily goes along with the friend. Of course it would be lovely if your eldest and her friend were very inclusive with your ND daughter, but that’s a big ask. Not many kids would do that. I know this from having a ND child myself.

Be the adult, allow your 7 year old to have her time with her friends and work out how to manage this with your 6 year old. Don’t expect them to do it for you.

Yabu. Ask a friend of younger daughter as well. This is a simple solution

So your daughter has a friend who expects to sleep in both your kids bedroom and is vocal about excluding one of them? And people on here are saying this is ok?

It's not ok at fucking all. It would be fair if your daughter asked for sibling free time but for her friend to dictate it? Not a fucking chance I'd put up with that shit from a little kid. Imagine what she's going to turn into as a teenager.

No more house playdates. It's not fair to ban your bairn from her own bedroom at all.