Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

I get what people are saying about also inviting friend of other DD over but thats not always practical/possible.

It does seem a bit mean to exclude the other daughter, when presumably your 2 girls are happy to play together when just the 2 of them.

I'm also going to guess the friend is an only child, correct ?

The friend sounds quite mean.

Having your other DD there upsets the dynamic between the friends. I like most of my friends’ sisters, but I wouldn’t want them there at every meet-up!

leep your other DD occupied with you instead. Sounds like you expect the friend to be free childcare for your younger DD!

I’m not keen on sleepovers for this reason but when she gets invited it seems natural that we take turns and have her friend back.

She is.

In defence of your oldest, when I was a child I used to feel suffocated being around my siblings ALL. THE. TIME.
I craved time apart from them, I loved them of course but siblings get on your nerves. I totally understand your oldest wanting time with just her friend and having a friend thats just hers. Siblings rarely get to have anything that's just for themselves. Although it is mean to intentionally exclude your youngest, try imagine it from your oldests POV too xx

Just tell the friend straight out next time: if you come to my house then Lily needs to be included. Atleast she can then have a choice to turn down the play date. My son's friend had a very energetic younger sibling who pestered them to the point that my son only wanted to play with him if he came to ours.
As long as you set out the rules upfront.

Well then can dad take youngest to the work sometimes while the other girls play at home?

but as long as it’s not most times then yes they should include Dd2.

Your siblings are different people and I can see why her friend just wants to play with her. At this age that’s normal. Why don’t you prepare your other Dd by saying that while her sisters friend is over you two will do something special, so do some crafts or watch a movie.

can sleepovers be in the living room on airbeds?

Anyone else finding this all a bit strange?

the solution (s) are SO obvious!

I would explain that as the friend excludes DD2, she can only come over when you already have DD2s friend coming too. So short notice requests might result in a refusal. Could they both have sleepovers and the older two sleep in the lounge?

I don’t really understand the issue. I have twins and they are allowed to have a friend over without the sibling having to join them. Sibling either has time on their own (watching TV in my room on my bed - seen as a treat) or comes with me, helps cook etc. forcing siblings to play changes the dynamic and is weird imo.

I have a sister, a year apart from me in age. Growing up, I was sick, and I was tired of her being involved in everything I did. I couldn't have a friend over she hung around us. She hung around me at school. She hardly had any friends herself. She was the older one.

Honestly, just invite another friend over for the other child at the same time.

Dd2 doesn’t really have any friends so she does get exited when dd2 has a friend over or we meet them in the park and is upset when they don’t play with her.

You need to find a way of managing this, as your elder daughter is entitled to play dates that do not involve your younger daughter.
I do actually understand, having twin DC, who share a room and do not share all of the same friends.
I don't try to make them involve the other in play dates, as it can be hard enough sharing the room without having your same/similar age sibling foisted upon you by a parent.

That's not your elder DD's problem or responsibility, though.

god it's bad enough with twins - a friend has twins and is VERY careful to treat them, and have other people treat them, as separate entities - but with siblings of a different age it must be easy to understand why they don't have to do things together all the time. Especially when a 3rd party (friend of one) donesn't want to see the other sibling.

If you make them always include their sibling, you are setting them up to be shunned by everyone else who doesn't want a trailing sibling included too.

Imagine if one was a boy? or 5 years older? it is ridiculous.

then you need to work on that with DD2. Not impose her on your other DDs friends.

How do you not see the ridiculousness of what you are saying?

Your older child does not owe your younger one friendship. She should be encouraged to cultivate her own friendships and not forced on her older sister. It's not fair on your eldest.

It’s not unreasonable for your DD’s friend to only want to play with the child she is friends with. I don’t think it’s relevant or not whether the guest is an only child. Either invite a friend for other child or manage expectations and encourage your other DD to do something else for a couple of hours. They are individuals as well as sisters.

As I said, I had that the other way round
I was the younger one and my older sister didn't seem to have any friends. Actually, now that I think about it, and you've just made me think about it.All of the play dates were at my friend's houses or my friends coming to our house. My older sister was always muscling her way in. It affected my ability to play with them as she reported anything naughty back to our mother and I got in trouble.

Honestly, just sort your younger daughter out and don't rely on the older daughter's friends to provide her with company. Take her to a new class, get her to make friends that way.

My mum used to force me to include my sister. It has not ended well. Please don’t do this to your daughters.

I get it’s hard as they are the same gender and only a year apart plus they share a room but I do think you need to allow your eldest to have her own friends and not always her little sister interfering or else you risk her losing friendships. Either plan double play dates or when that’s not possible do something nice 1:1 with your youngest, baking, crafting or a cuddly film on the couch. Make her feel special so she isn’t left feeling left out. And of course the same rule applies when the youngest has a friend over (if her and her friend want their alone time).

I try to do other things with her but she wants to play and she’s got ODD so it’s not as easy as just saying don’t go upstairs which I repeatedly do but she doesn’t listen and it just ends up a battle to keep her away.
I do feel for dd1 and it is so much easier when she goes to them but if I don’t have her friends back and it’s all one sided she won’t get invited.
I just know when people come over it will always end in tears or arguments between them.

This is really hard to see as a parent, I get it.

But forcing your older daughter and her friends to include your younger daughter all the time will create more issues longer term than it will ultimately solve.

Does your younger daughter do any clubs where she could potentially make friends, if she hasn’t found her friends at school yet?