Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

My son with ADHD/ASD doesn't get his own way as a result of a meltdown but still melts down.

For some kids they struggle with their emotions a d the responses aren't consciously on purpose so they can't control them just because they may want to. He gets removed from situations, boundaries are held but the behaviour repeats because it's not that he thinks screaming etc will get what he wants it's that he can't stop himself once he's escalated. I suspect this child is the same.

I wouldn't do what op is doing in that I would keep him downstairs by whatever means (entertainment, attention, blocking stairs, sitting on bottom stairs with him etc etc) but it's not like enforcing boundaries with a neurotypical child

OK, so read all of OP’s posts now.

@kindamean Is there ND for younger DD? Agree with others, some of younger DD’s behaviour needs managing better.

Sounds tough, OP!!

More only child bashing!

Also read the thread or at least the OP’s posts. The younger dd has behavioural issues and screams/bites if she doesn’t get her own way.

Yes but op is saying "I can't keep her downstairs because she will have a meltdown" so she's not prepared to stop her going up because she's not prepared to deal with the meltdown. That does mean that the younger child is getting her own way whether or not the meltdown is in her control, because her parent is afraid of her reaction.

@Hopingtobeaparent OP says DD2 has ODD - oppositional defiance disorder, so can be hostile, defiant and uncooperative.

Wouldnt be very easy to manage either would it. Be best if the other kid doesnt come . Sounds like OP has enough on her plate.

I’m not saying it’s a hardship

I’m just asking is that what you do ? Adults spend evening in their bedroom

we have sleepovers - dd is 8. Lights out 9pm latest or tired and grumpy next day

if they’ve been there all day /afternoon tea etc then 9pm is fine for their age

mini blondes is my only child so never had to decamp to my bedroom for the evening

Sorry but while I can appreciate that your older DD can and should have friends independent of her younger sister, this particular friend sounds pretty toxic.

This isn't a child just wanting to play; this is an older child actively trying to ostracise a younger one.
It's bullying, plain and simple.
Behaviour like this stays in childhood with you. It's bad enough within the confines of the school - you must not allow your younger DD to feel unwelcome in her own home.
Personally, I'd be giving this friend a wide berth.

Ahh, I wondered what ODD meant. I’d seen a reference to that in responses, but must have missed it in an OP’s post.

Tricky!!

It used to really annoy me when my friends were over and we were made to include her. Don’t get wrong, I loved and still love my younger sister, but i wanted time with just my friend to talk about things that were relevant to us.

Can dd2 spend time with grandparents, aunts, cousins, other family when dd1 has friend over?

I was the older DD in a similar situation. My younger sister was, at best, difficult. Now a days, I have no doubt she would have been diagnosed with ODD. I was required to include her in all playdates at our home. She didn't play nicely and always had to have her way. My friends stopped coming over to play because they didn't want to deal with her. My parents did everything they could to appease her and prevent the tantrums/meltdowns. She wasn't disciplined because they didn't want to deal with her outbursts. She was even violent towards me and they blamed me for not doing enough to keep her happy.

I moved away as soon as I graduated high school and had very limited contact with my parents and sister for years. After a few years, I moved back and tried to reconcile. I hoped that since we were now adults with our own homes that we could have a relationship. I was married with kids and she had a partner who lived with her. The only thing that had changed was that she couldn't be physically violent to me anymore because I could press charges. She still had violent meltdowns and was extremely verbally abusive towards me.

The abridged version is that I cut her off completely and limited contact with my parents because they expected me to continue to try and appease her and to accept her abuse. They had never tried to get her treatment and it became too late once she was an adult. After having to bear the brunt of her abuse without using me as a shield, they lasted a few months before they started to limit contact with her too. Eventually they also ceased all contact with her. Her partner broke up with her a few months after that, presumably because he couldn't bear the full force of her meltdowns.

I still have very limited contact with my parents. Our relationship never healed them using me to appease her. My sister changes jobs every couple of years, moves house every couple of years and can't keep friends or a partner. She has told other relatives that the problems in her life are my fault, even though I haven't had any contact with her in approaching two decades.

6/7 is very young for sleepovers anyway. why not wait until they are a bit older?

Are you making sure you take youngest off and occupy her yourself? You can't expect the two older ones to constantly include a younger sister on a playdate. It tends to also lead to the visitor feeling like a third wheel. When my eldest has a friend over, if they want a bit of time without youngest, i take her off into the kitchen to make some cupcakes or play a game with me..

If she's got ODD she is probably a nightmare to play with. The fact that she has no friends says a lot.

You need to make being downstairs with you a treat that is more fun that being upstairs. Yes, its harder for you. Its the price you pay for being a parent. A visiting child shouldn't be treated as means of occupying your difficult kid.

OP, I have this exact same problem, except that my older DD’s friend lives next door and wants to play every single day (no exaggeration) and exclude my younger daughter every single day. It is the most stressful thing in my life at the moment. If we didn’t live so close I would do my best to give the older girls time on their own to play when they have play dates (which, frankly I’d keep to once a week max in your shoes) but I can’t do that every day. My younger one also has challenging behaviour (don’t know if ODD but sounds similar). I think a lot of her problems come from low self esteem which is not helped by being told every day that they don’t want her to play! Then what happens is my older one goes next door and I feel like I barely see her now.

I think it’s very true that a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child. Then the trouble comes as a parent desperately tries to equalise things which is a lifetime endeavour.

Further if the “difficult” child is one likely to kick off/spoil a day out/special occasion then the parents bend over backwards to appease the child. And that includes making sure other sibling(s) are singing from the same hymn sheet.

A classic one from dm was “If Mary says anything nasty to you, don’t answer back and upset her, will you?” Dsis was flippin’ 50 at the time.

Yes, it will not only wreck the relationship with her sister, but with you too for forcing it

OP. Has a paediatrician said she has ODD?
Im wondering because its not usually a diagnosis by itself. It can be part of a behaviour profile in some kids with ASD and ADHD, in the same way as PDA, and something more common in older kids with trauma and attachment issues?

So dd1 never allowed friends over to appease dd2? As per pp who've experienced same in childhood... great way to show favouritism.

Why haven’t you invited other daughter friend over, very normal for this to happen rather than one child being lumbered with sibling as this is what’s makes kids not want to come over and play.