Dd friend wants to come and play but exclude my other dd.

[kindamean]

I have 2 dd who are only a year apart 6 and 7 and share a bedroom.
One of my dd has a friend who comes to play but doesn’t want other dd to play with them and wants to come for sleepovers but again wants other dd who’s room it is too, not to play with them.
When my dd goes/stays with her then they can play together as obviously my other dd isn’t there but if this friend is with us I can’t allow them to exclude her from her own room or not bring her to the park if I take them.

Of course I encourage them to have their own friends and they do but I don’t want to feel obligated to make plans so dd2 has somewhere else to be every time this friend comes over just because she doesn’t want to include her.
How would you handle this? bear in mind this is one of her closest friends.
We have summer holidays coming up and I’d love to plan days out with their friends but if I’m taking them to the park or something I will be taking both mine.

Dd1 shouldn’t have her friendships hampered by her younger sister. You need to keep dd2 busy. You pick her favourite thing to do while dd1 is with her friend.

My two dds share a room although now we have split it so two tiny rooms.

Sleepovers happened in the livingroom with everyone else leaving the space at a reasonable time to upstairs rooms with TVs etc since it’s not like it happens even every month it wasn’t too hard.

Its highly likely as well as it just being a sibling thing that dd1 friend just struggles with dd2 anyway and likely dd1 enjoys the break from her.

You would be ok being banned from your own bedroom because a visitor dictates it? Because I wouldn't be.

Exactly. My daughter is an only and would never exclude another child in this way. In my experience it’s older siblings who tend to do this more as they are used to “being mean” (which it isn’t really) to their younger siblings.

Completely agree with the meltdown comment too. It is inevitable that an NT sibling has to go along with stuff, or leave places early, or not go places at all because of an ND sibling.

It's quite unusual to have an ODD diagnosis at 6, so I do feel for you, but your DD1 does need to have space. I used to do sleepovers in the lounge when my children shared bedrooms.

The fact your DD2 is ND is a big factor in this. It isn't fair to have an ND child (I have a child with ODD so I get it) gatecrashing a playdate like this. You will know how demanding and exhausting it is having to deal with her yourself (the fact you can't impose boundaries because of meltdowns etc), so to expect to 7 year olds to accommodate that on what is supposed to be a fun sleepover is not fair. It will end up with your DD1 not having any friends.

It’s the friend of the elder daughter who is not friendly to my younger and it’s not that I’d expect her to be friends with her but more friendly towards her especially in her own room.
dd1 doesn’t say anything because she will happily play with whoever and with other friends a couple of other families we know have siblings who will come too and they all do play nicely as a 4

If it was a shared space, then yes. Ever shared a flat? Sometimes you had to just keep out of the way when your flatmate needed the space.

I shared a room with my sister and sometimes one or other of us wanted it to ourselves for a bit, and that was ok.

You're taking the easy way out of your youngest's meltdowns by giving her what she wants, inclusion, at the expense of your older daughter getting to have time with friends without her sister around. You find the meltdowns hard to deal with. How do you think your oldest and her friend feel having to give in to her or she has a meltdown?

She's going to come up against situations where she can't have what she wants, especially at another's expense. That is for parents to manage, not just feed older sister to her to placate her.

Read up on glass children.

Is your youngest in any kind of therapy or treatment?

So if your flatmates visitor came over and told you to bugger off now and your flatmate said nothing. You would be ok with that then?

You do see that having another set of siblings over is a different dynamic than having just one friend over, right?

I’m curious though… are you going to try any of these suggestions or are you looking for another answer?

Whatever the difficulties it is up to you as the parent to manage those and not expect your older daughter to accommodate your younger daughter regardless of how the friend feels. You need to be able to manage the meltdowns and not avoid them by making your eldest responsible for keeping her on an even keel. I was an only child I loved going to my friends' houses who had siblings but it was them who wouldn't allow older or younger siblings to do anything with us or even be in the room .Their parents supported that.

My son and I went on holiday with my friend, her husband and their children. Her eldest was my son's friend. one of the younger ones was upset because they wouldn't play with him or let them do something and I was like oh don't be so mean let him play But his dad said no they don't want play with him he needs to play with his own friends his own age.

So, DD1 doesn’t insist DD2 is included. Perhaps for once she doesn’t want to “happily” go along with things?

Thank you.

In which case, I think the visting girl has to put up with it, or not stay.

If it were your daughter saying, 'Can I just get some time alone with my friend. please?' I might try to accommodate that. Or might not. Depends how reasonably I was asked.

But if it's the visiting girl saying, "I don't want to play with your sister" then I think the visiting girl should be told that that's a) unkind, b) not her call and c) not an option.

I already do not like the visiting girl.

If my flatmate stood and said nothing, that would be ok, yes. I would assume they were part of the ask.

But let’s not pretend the friend is doing this by herself. DD1 has a hand in it.

It isn’t unkind. If the friend (and DD1) don’t want to play with the younger sister, they don’t have to. There is no rule that says they do. Would you want to be forced to be around someone you don’t like, just because they happened to be in the same building?

So you're teaching her 'have a full blown meltdown and people do what you want"?

How unfair for your eldest. Are you also enforcing on them that dd2 calls the shots for the playdate too? They must do what she wants to avoid her having a meltdowns? @kindamean

The OP has already established that the elder daughter's happy all playing together.

It was you that introduced the idea that 'DD1 is in on it' on the basis of absolutely no evidence whatsoever.

The visiting girl isn't the only one I already dislike.

Isn't the issue there that the house was totally unsafe, rather than that the kids were asleep downstairs?

I think most children can use stairs.

Yes agree with this. Cannot believe those saying the opposite!

I think you need to be trying harder to keep your other DD occupied & out of the way here to be honest OP.

My mum did this with my younger sibling, if I had a friend over we ALL had to play together and actually sometimes you just want to be able to play with your friend without having to always accommodate my sister. My sister & I have an amazing relationship now but it is important that they get to have their own friendships.

And that meltdown is for you as the parent to manage. You are having this your other daughter's problem when it is your problem and you need to step up. You need to block out the time when there's a playdate to manage your youngest even if that's just holding space for her while she gets upset. That's your job.

Stop delegating your parenting duties to your seven year old!

And yes I've had to handle similar, I do know how hard it is but it's your job.

Also, my DH had to have to have his younger brother with him all the time and he hated it and now has no relationship with him at all, they send birthday cards and that's it, and his brother doesn't even send cards to our children so everyone misses out because his mum wouldn't parent properly.

She has established she will “happily” play in a group of other children. I have no doubt DD1 is happy also not to have her ND little sister tagging along with her and her friend. If she wanted her to join them, she would say so.

Bless you for your PAG comment about disliking me. I’m the kind of person who is really concerned about young children being labelled as mean and unkind when they don’t behave in ways that are completely unacceptable for us to expect of them. I’m also concerned about young siblings of ND children having to always play second fiddle and the adults in their life (and wider society) not recognising (or caring about) it. If you dislike me because of that, I’m ok with that.

Some people have no concept of what having a ODD child is like and I know each one is different.
I cannot keep her from going up to her bedroom, she is strong, she will scream shout, bite, kick and struggle and WILL get away and upstairs.
It’s not a case of try harder to keep her downstairs, that will only make her more determined.

I’d be guided by your eldest. It’s not fair if she has to include her younger sister whenever she socialises at home. I would have hated that. Even now, imagine whenever you have a friend over your sister joining the chat- annoying as hell!

If my eldest wanted a sleepover just the two of them in her own house I’d bend over backwards to facilitate it, I’d make it fun for the youngest (sleeping in with me etc) and I would probably encourage them to spend some time with her, like dinner, but I wouldn’t back down just because my youngest had a meltdown. I’d deal with the meltdown but let my eldest have her space.