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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH expects me to seduce him

216 replies

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 03:15

DH and I are trying for a baby (40's so will be almost impossible). I have blood tests, scans, fertility appointments etc...he doesn't even have to wank into a pot. I have PCOS so realise I'm up against it and won't likely succeed. He knows all this. My AIBU is that he doesn't want ANY pressure about having sex with me during my most fertile days. I've gently tried to explain some days are better than others for getting pregnant but he responded by accusing me of putting pressure on him. When asked how I should go about it he said I should 'come and seduce him' when I'm at my most fertile and that he didn't want to know when that was!!
I'm so shocked I can't even articulate a response so am worried I'm being hysterical. But I'm so fucking angry I doubt I'll sleep with the twat again.

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 14/07/2025 08:49

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 08:00

He was tested in 2016 - we've been to talk to the GP and he didn't think DH needed to get retested - just me to check my cycle (and an unexpected diagnosis of PCOS)

This is bad advice regardless of anything else.

DonnaBanana · 14/07/2025 08:58

TTC is a serious business, it’s not meant to be fun or sexy. He should be putting his back into it and not whinging about being seduced or whatever. It’s like running a marathon, the end is lovely but it’s not going to be enjoyable doing it

CurlewKate · 14/07/2025 09:03

Walkaround · 14/07/2025 08:46

Pretty sure a woman wouldn’t express it that way and posters would be saying the man was attempting marital rape by ignoring her lack of desire for sex…

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No. I bet they wouldn’t-unless he was actually trying to rape her.

CurlewKate · 14/07/2025 09:09

Some people do get so excited when they think they can play the “women do it too!” card. A couple knowing that they have to have sex at specific times if they want to have a baby and doing it at those specific times whether they actually feel like it or not is not rape.

Original poster
Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 09:13

DonnaBanana · 14/07/2025 08:58

TTC is a serious business, it’s not meant to be fun or sexy. He should be putting his back into it and not whinging about being seduced or whatever. It’s like running a marathon, the end is lovely but it’s not going to be enjoyable doing it

I know ttc is not sexy - I deal with the blood tests/scans etc on my own and don't wave a fertility stick at him. I simply wanted him on board to make a baby as we're going to have to try a bit at our age - that's all. It's supposed to be a joint decision after all not 100% my responsibility to get him in the mood/dress up/seduce him. I'm feeling a bit unsexy after being stuck with needles and poked and prodded!

OP posts:
WildCats24 · 14/07/2025 09:33

Is this a pattern with him? What’s the story with the previous partner and their fertility journey? Did he have the same attitude? Did it lead to the demise of the relationship?

Katemax82 · 14/07/2025 09:35

HarkerandBarker · 14/07/2025 03:38

My ex said to me once....many years ago. I never initiate. I took on board what he said. The next night he said to me why didn't you try. I said...give us a chance! 🤣🤣🤣

My husband said the same...I still don't initiate

Original poster
Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 09:48

WildCats24 · 14/07/2025 09:33

Is this a pattern with him? What’s the story with the previous partner and their fertility journey? Did he have the same attitude? Did it lead to the demise of the relationship?

Previous partner - one child together. I have no contact so not sure what the true story is. I can guess though....

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 14/07/2025 15:02

Walkaround · 14/07/2025 08:21

Well, I feel sorry for both of you. If a woman were talked about the way posters have talked about your dh, people would say how misogynistic and that the attitude towards the woman was the cause of her stress, possible depression and lack of desire to have sex on demand. Your dh is not a sperm bank, but you are wanting to treat him that way and have made it clear you don’t think he is much use for anything else. Please don’t have children with this man - it would be unfair on both of you, and unfair for your child.

This. The relationship sounds unbalanced. 🤷‍♀️

Poppins21 · 14/07/2025 16:32

DonnaBanana · 14/07/2025 08:58

TTC is a serious business, it’s not meant to be fun or sexy. He should be putting his back into it and not whinging about being seduced or whatever. It’s like running a marathon, the end is lovely but it’s not going to be enjoyable doing it

It’s not like that for everyone though and I hope you’re being sarcastic? Trying for a baby was lots of fun for us as it was a low stress 3 months of extra sexy time.

Walkaround · 14/07/2025 17:12

I have serious doubts the end of this process will be lovely. The OP clearly has a very low opinion of her dh. In all honesty, she gives the impression she would have a higher opinion of a paid sperm donor, that he knows that, and that this is not really a joint project, but something he has foolishly agreed to because she clearly wants it.

Original poster
Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 19:42

Walkaround · 14/07/2025 17:12

I have serious doubts the end of this process will be lovely. The OP clearly has a very low opinion of her dh. In all honesty, she gives the impression she would have a higher opinion of a paid sperm donor, that he knows that, and that this is not really a joint project, but something he has foolishly agreed to because she clearly wants it.

Actually no - he told me initially how much he would love a child with me, not the other way around. How he can't wait and wanted to pick names etc. The low opinion is because he's completely abdicated his role jn getting me pregnant and somehow put all the onus on me to make it happen. Hardly going to put me in a 'seductive' mood....

OP posts:
SALaw · 14/07/2025 20:18

Contrary to popular belief many men can’t just do it on demand and psychological factors can play a big part so the pressure of performance etc can have the opposite effect. If a woman on here says she doesn’t want sex, for whatever reason, she isn’t told “get over it, just do it” and so the same standards should apply to men. He’s telling you he can’t have you just say “ok NOW” and you have to listen to that.

Barnbrack · 14/07/2025 20:21

Poppins21 · 14/07/2025 16:32

It’s not like that for everyone though and I hope you’re being sarcastic? Trying for a baby was lots of fun for us as it was a low stress 3 months of extra sexy time.

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It's the 3 month bit that did that you realize? 5 years and 6 miscarriages in the fun fades

Walkaround · 14/07/2025 20:56

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 19:42

Actually no - he told me initially how much he would love a child with me, not the other way around. How he can't wait and wanted to pick names etc. The low opinion is because he's completely abdicated his role jn getting me pregnant and somehow put all the onus on me to make it happen. Hardly going to put me in a 'seductive' mood....

Show quote history

Imvho, those sound more like the words of a man saying what he thinks the woman wants to hear and who thinks it will be a fun, easy process, not a stressful slog full of performance anxiety. Did he know you had fertility issues when he said it? If he’s been tested before, it sounds like he’s had to go through this before and he’s no longer in that relationship, is he, so that clearly doesn’t bode well.

Devianinc · 14/07/2025 23:43

So he basically took all the fun out of it. He’s made it all about him. I wouldn’t even think of having a child with him anymore. I wouldn’t push this one any farther.

Original poster
Hereagain334 · 15/07/2025 03:52

Well I tried last night - nice bath, relaxing evening, not many clothes on and smooth skin/nice smell....and unfortunately he's passed out after one too many. Zero interest. And here comes the Ick....which is usually terminal. Think this will alter my future with him now but that's a way down the road.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 15/07/2025 04:00

Hereagain334 · 15/07/2025 03:52

Well I tried last night - nice bath, relaxing evening, not many clothes on and smooth skin/nice smell....and unfortunately he's passed out after one too many. Zero interest. And here comes the Ick....which is usually terminal. Think this will alter my future with him now but that's a way down the road.

I’m sorry, that’s a pretty humuliating experience. From what I’ve read about you is that you are a fun person or at least funnier than him. Time to let this huge whopper go.

Poppins21 · 15/07/2025 05:32

Barnbrack · 14/07/2025 20:21

It's the 3 month bit that did that you realize? 5 years and 6 miscarriages in the fun fades

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Sorry for how hard your journey is and I appreciate it’s not the same for everyone.

That was my point the journey isn’t the same for every person. I didn’t get your question though- did I realise it would only be 3 months?

INeedAnotherName · 15/07/2025 08:58

Hereagain334 · 15/07/2025 03:52

Well I tried last night - nice bath, relaxing evening, not many clothes on and smooth skin/nice smell....and unfortunately he's passed out after one too many. Zero interest. And here comes the Ick....which is usually terminal. Think this will alter my future with him now but that's a way down the road.

I'm so sorry Flowers

I think you need to open your eyes a little wider and start planning a new future a lot quicker. He isn't the right man for you anyway nor is he coming across as decent father material. Even if you managed to conceive you would end up as a single parent anyway but the emotional toll to you and on the child having him in your lives for the next 18 yes would be enormous. Get out and find another way to have a child if this is what you really want, the sooner the better.

Original poster
Hereagain334 · 15/07/2025 13:42

INeedAnotherName · 15/07/2025 08:58

I'm so sorry Flowers

I think you need to open your eyes a little wider and start planning a new future a lot quicker. He isn't the right man for you anyway nor is he coming across as decent father material. Even if you managed to conceive you would end up as a single parent anyway but the emotional toll to you and on the child having him in your lives for the next 18 yes would be enormous. Get out and find another way to have a child if this is what you really want, the sooner the better.

Show quote history

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I thought we'd be great parents - financially secure (as long as one of us works - I could go part time even as the higher earner), little business on the side for me also. His enthusiasm in the beginning really made me believe it was possible but then the reality hit that I have some issues that need to be fixed and its going to take effort on both parts. That was a month ago and we haven't slept together since! I'm not a prude but it's hard to feel desired when he'd rather get pissed than get down and dirty. Our sex life was the polar opposite a year ago and I don't know what has changed! I can't help thinking I'm to blame for my stupid ovaries having problems and this has turned him off. Should have kept that quiet in retrospect...

OP posts:
Original poster
Hereagain334 · 15/07/2025 13:44

Sorry for the oversharing but I don't have anyone IRL I can discuss this with - parents are elderly and I would never put these problems to them. Talking to friends would just feel disloyal to him.

OP posts:
myplace · 15/07/2025 13:49

It’s massively disappointing for you. I suspect he’s one of those ‘fair weather’ people.

Delightful when everything is going well. Great company.

As soon as adversity hits, he crumbles and has nothing available for anyone but himself. Men like this behave badly because they think they are entitled to whatever it takes to make them feel better- hot and cold running sex and chilled peeled grapes. Anything less and they look elsewhere.

That really sucks, however it could be worse. You could have found that out after you had a child and life got tough. He could well have been spectacularly appalling, resenting any attention you give the child. It happens.

nam3c4ang3 · 15/07/2025 13:50

Im so sorry for the issues you are going though OP - but im not sure you really want to have a baby with him, youve gone from TTC to its time to leave him in no time at all - is there a bigger backstory? Good luck with everything - i hope it works out for you.

Original poster
Hereagain334 · 15/07/2025 14:39

It's the seriousness of ttc that has made me look at our relationship as a whole. And as a pp said - if things are going good everything is rosy. The second it starts getting tough he acts like a sulking entitled brat as I try and muddle through to fix things. Massive red flag if you add a baby to the mix which I won't do now sadly. What I do and where I go from here I'll have to work out myself. The least I can do is try and get some relief for the PCOS.

OP posts: