DH expects me to seduce him

[Hereagain334]

DH and I are trying for a baby (40's so will be almost impossible). I have blood tests, scans, fertility appointments etc...he doesn't even have to wank into a pot. I have PCOS so realise I'm up against it and won't likely succeed. He knows all this. My AIBU is that he doesn't want ANY pressure about having sex with me during my most fertile days. I've gently tried to explain some days are better than others for getting pregnant but he responded by accusing me of putting pressure on him. When asked how I should go about it he said I should 'come and seduce him' when I'm at my most fertile and that he didn't want to know when that was!!
I'm so shocked I can't even articulate a response so am worried I'm being hysterical. But I'm so fucking angry I doubt I'll sleep with the twat again.

Sorry haven't RTFT, but fair enough. I'm guessing he just means do whatever you normally do when you're up for it 😉

What the fuck are you on about? Half of what you’re saying doesn’t even make sense. No woman writes comments like you do.

Yeah so the thing is people actually dont have to have sex when they dont want to. And there's actual words in the English language for those who try and force people to do it when they dont want to.
Not just by physical force but by verbal...

What are you talking about?

You said

sometimes you will have to do it when neither of you are in the mood

And no, she doesn't get to unilaterally decide that he is just going to have to have sex when he isn't in the mood. Thats wrong. She either sucks up that he isn't going to have sex. The right choice imo, I'm team not bringing children into shit show marriges.
Or listen to his needs to meet them in order for him to want to have sex.

OP you sound so incredibly resentful of him (with good reason, but that doesn't change the fact)... I am absolutely not judging as my DH and I have been through years of fertility treatments and I understand the stress... but if I'm honest, from your posts, your relationship really doesn't sound like it's in the strongest place for parenting right now.

I'm not getting the feeling that he really wants a child, I might be wrong, but from your post he sounds utterly uninterested.

Why hasn't he had any tests done and why is all of the responsibility for this on you? You simply cannot navigate the minefield of fertility treatment in that way, it will completely burn you out. It's a very, very hard thing - it was one of the most difficult times in my life. You need to both be invested and support each other or you will not make it through.

And you sound irritated and fed up with him to the point where it is impacting your mental health and your relationship.

Please consider whether a child is a sensible thing to add into this mix. Babies don't fix things - they require even more commitment, patience, communication - and on top of that you will both be exhausted. It's hard and it can break couples.

Children need an incredibly strong foundation to feel stable and secure - that involves good communication, love, and empathy with/ between parents.

I'm not saying this to scare you but have you thought about trying to see a couples therapist before you TTC? It just sounds like there are some issues to iron out here OP.

YANBU, like someone else said he is absolving himself of responsibility. Sure, knowing ‘you are fertile’ may affect things slightly, but you shouldn’t have to bear all responsibility alone. Perhaps you can gently explain this and how it makes you feel?

There are A LOT of very strange and unsupportive replies on this thread, especially people that have posted multiple times.

I hope you are ok, I understand how you feel xx

Err, no, it's not normal to have no interest or empathy whatsoever and leave your wife/ partner to navigate fertility treatment alone, absolving yourself of any responsibility or involvement. That's fucked up.

(and yes I have been through IVF - 5 years of it - with a supportive and involved DH).

Grow up, that is nothing to do with lack of consent and do not try to imply it is. Two consenting adults can have fully consensual sex because they are both trying for a baby that if they weren’t trying for a baby they probably wouldn’t be having.

You seem to be working on the assumption that it is only women that want children. I get that you and several others on this thread won’t be probably be in the position of ttc within a loving relationship. It’s a shame for you but you need to work on dealing with your jealousy and bitterness.

I think women with pcos are fertile for longer (as in older) and hit menopause a few years later than the average woman. That was my understanding anyway.

Half the people on this thread are though IMO

I simultaneously want @HarkerandBarker to be deleted and also kept on here as an example of how truly shit a human being can be without actually being arrestable…..

But you're posting that on a thread when one partner is not fully consenting. And the other is trying to circumvent his requests for how he wishes to have sex.

Id say it's pretty clear on the post we are on that OP is pretty fucking desperate for this baby.

Im sterilised after successfully naturally conceiving 3 outstanding children in my extremely loving and very sexuallu active (thus the sterilising) marrige.
All of my children were very very enthusiastically conceived FYI....even during the TTC drudgery.

I would think twice about having children with him. If he can’t put in the effort to make a child, is he really going to put in the effort to raise a child?

I feel your frustration, it took me years to get my dd but my dh never once told me that I had to seduce him! He wanted a baby too and knew it was going to be “work” to get one. We tried to ensure we had sex for fun through out the month but during ovulation he did what was needed.

Sounds like she/he has been drinking. Such angry weird posts

You have two options on those peak days:

• use sex as a tool to get pregnant
• enjoying being "united as one" with the person you love

The first option doesn't make getting pregnant any more likely. In fact, stress is said to make getting pregnant harder.
Our bodies are smart - trying to enjoy the moment as an act of love may help your body know it is in a secure environment to grow and take care of a baby.

TTC can be a really frustrating time. Your husband's comment and your reactions suggest your relationship is now lacking a bit in love?

My husband and I found learning about the 'five love languages' (physical affection, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving) useful in reviving that sexual spark, plus just helping our relationship.

It sounds like your husband would really values you showing you are physically attracted to him through actions (physical affection - rub those arms and make a show of feeling his muscles), and you may be more acts of service in which you want him checking in on how your fertility tracking is going.

Maybe if we stopped telling men and boys that children are an annoyance that you may have to put up with if you want a wife/girlfriend then they'd start pulling their weight like they do in other countries where children are valued and prioritised.

Maybe women need to accept when a man doesn't want a child and that no child is better than an unwanted one.

So many women blind themselves by their own selfish desires that they would rather bring children into shitty homes than either pursue a better match or accept being child free.

Chidlren aren't mandatory and many do find them an annoyance. Rather than change their minds we need to continue teaching that having children is a choice and that not having them is valid and should be defended if so.

Why are you saying 'thank you master ' as the domme?

He should be saying " thank you Mistress " or you could say "good boy"

Bit unusual to flip the dynamics...

But it's also not normal for her to expect her husband to 'perform' on command and be like a robot with no foreplay.

If a man treated his wife like that, we'd be rounding on him and rightfully so. As wrong as it is for the husband not to have interest in knowing the fertile days (ever thought maybe that is a protection mechanism so it's not in his mind so he doesn't feel pressure to perform? Sounds like a good strategy to me) the OP doesn't sound like she sees her husband as a human, just a robot to perform on command.