Page 7 | DH expects me to seduce him

Hereagain334 · 2025-07-14T02:15:41+00:00

DH and I are trying for a baby (40's so will be almost impossible). I have blood tests, scans, fertility appointments etc...he doesn't even have to wank into a pot. I have PCOS so realise I'm up against it and won't likely succeed. He knows all this. My AIBU is that he doesn't want ANY pressure about having sex with me during my most fertile days. I've gently tried to explain some days are better than others for getting pregnant but he responded by accusing me of putting pressure on him. When asked how I should go about it he said I should 'come and seduce him' when I'm at my most fertile and that he didn't want to know when that was!! I'm so shocked I can't even articulate a response so am worried I'm being hysterical. But I'm so fucking angry I doubt I'll sleep with the twat again.

2025ismybestyear · 14/07/2025 07:17

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 04:31

Yes I have some issues to get checked. Am OK with that and if its not possible then will have to accept it. What I'm not OK with is him dumping all the stress, worry and responsibility on me then expect me to go crawling to him for some of his precious spunk. Which he struggles to produce at the best of times....fuck that.

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Do you even like your husband never mind respect him? You talk in a very sneery way about him.

Namechangeforthis88 · 14/07/2025 07:18

Honestly, with your updates, if you do have a child with this man, it's going what little is left of this relationship. You're going to be doing everything, trying to stop him getting stressed about the nothing he does, and hating him for it.

Barnbrack · 14/07/2025 07:18

user1492757084 · 14/07/2025 07:14

He is being honest. He needs to feel as relaxed as possible to perform. He doesn't like to feel like a donor. Remember to love him for himself not only for his fathering potential.

So, instead of verbalising to him your anxiety and pressure and also making him feel similar pressure - you stay quiet about the baby making.
Remain calm, happy and create spaces and moments that keep you feeling your best. Have baths, eat your favourtite food, go on walks in places that inspire your happy vibes (but also remain aware of your body and when to initiate sex).

Buy a kit at the chemist to track your ovulation. That could take some of the pressure off you. Though DH will not need to be knowing about that.

You are getting old so maybe your want for a child is over taking your other common sense feelings..
You need to decide whether having a child with this man is the right move

Edited

What?

Just internalize all the pressure but remember to stay relaxed regardless but also don't tell him your stressed but also love him regardless of his apparent inability to be present for a negative emotion?
.absolutely the eff not! What? The bar is LOW

babasaclover · 14/07/2025 07:18

Christ, what a catch he doesn’t work expects you to take care of him and pay the bills and be his mum and now he won’t even fuck you get out now. Go alone, you’ll be much better off in a long Term sperm donation

Alondra · 14/07/2025 07:20

What did you want from posting on Mumsnet? You seem angry and unable to hear what so many posters are telling you. You haven't even answered the important question if he really wants a child.

We know you want a child and your age and PCOS are against you. What you can't expect is your DH to perform sexually when you want him to. He is in his 40s, and feeling pressured to "deliver" on demand usually have on men the opposite effect.

You need to back off. Try to reconnect with him emotionally without blaming him for not performing on tap when it's the right ovulating time for you. Being angry and frustrated with him will drive a wedge in your relationship, independently if you get pregnant or not.

Barnbrack · 14/07/2025 07:21

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 07:07

I've not banged on about ovulation/fertility to him - just (a bit timidly) mentioned a good window to dtd. His push back tells me a lot and I agree with posters who suggest kids are not the best idea. Fwiw he has form for reacting very badly to any sort of stress so I try and keep a peaceful home life. He doesn't work ATM so paying all the bills and making all the life admin decisions on my own is taking its toll. Maybe time to get out. This comment about seducing him felt like the final straw sadly.

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This is not going to be improved by having a baby. If he can't cope with the basic demands of holding a job and navigating adult life he can't be a parent. Get out of this relationship! If you want a baby do it as a single parent because it'll be much easier for you and a child than being attached to someone like this.

myplace · 14/07/2025 07:27

This is going to sound harsh, but having listened to your posts-

For whatever reasons he isn’t contributing to your life- he’s actually making life harder. You are supporting yourself and him. You are providing everything- mental and emotional support as well as financial. The one thing that he could still contribute- and he’s expecting you to manage that as well.

It’s rather a last straw situation, isn’t it?

I would think about going solo. At least you wouldn’t have to look after him as well.

Tiddlywinkly · 14/07/2025 07:34

Barnbrack · 14/07/2025 07:21

This is not going to be improved by having a baby. If he can't cope with the basic demands of holding a job and navigating adult life he can't be a parent. Get out of this relationship! If you want a baby do it as a single parent because it'll be much easier for you and a child than being attached to someone like this.

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Wow. There were some impassioned responses overnight...

I agree with this poster. Children are like throwing a grenade into a relationship. Even some solid ones don't survive it.

As an aside, why isn't his sperm being tested? Has IVF been discussed given your condition and both your ages?

Alondra · 14/07/2025 07:34

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 07:07

I've not banged on about ovulation/fertility to him - just (a bit timidly) mentioned a good window to dtd. His push back tells me a lot and I agree with posters who suggest kids are not the best idea. Fwiw he has form for reacting very badly to any sort of stress so I try and keep a peaceful home life. He doesn't work ATM so paying all the bills and making all the life admin decisions on my own is taking its toll. Maybe time to get out. This comment about seducing him felt like the final straw sadly.

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Fwiw he has form for reacting very badly to any sort of stress so I try and keep a peaceful home life. He doesn't work ATM so paying all the bills and making all the life admin decisions on my own is taking its toll. Maybe time to get out. This comment about seducing him felt like the final straw sadly.

Seems like there are serious issues in your marriage that you need to focus on, instead of getting pregnant.

If he can't deal with pressure and leaves admin and life decisions up to you, maybe you need to think if this is the relationship you want. Adding the pressure of TTC in this scenario is not the best idea.

Mummyratbag · 14/07/2025 07:37

I suspect it was the way he said it making it seem a chore after all you have been through! Perhaps if he'd grinned and said .."don't tell me it's the right day, I don't need details, just give me a wink/grab my butt and I'm up for it" you would probably have felt differently.

Mummyratbag · 14/07/2025 07:41

Sorry just read your update. You are carrying a lot and will be left to do even more if/when a baby is added to the mix. I imagine you are feeling that this is your last chance to have a baby, but think hard as you may end up a single parent in this situation (even if you stay together)

Original poster

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 07:42

Tiddlywinkly · 14/07/2025 07:34

Wow. There were some impassioned responses overnight...

I agree with this poster. Children are like throwing a grenade into a relationship. Even some solid ones don't survive it.

As an aside, why isn't his sperm being tested? Has IVF been discussed given your condition and both your ages?

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He's been tested in a previous relationship and is fine. I'm going through tests now but probably wouldn't want to do IVF. I just don't feel supported by him at all which is making me look at the whole relationship. I'm very much a put up and shut up person but with the massively serious questions of adding a child to the dynamic I can't take the risk if we are not in a stable place - which we clearly aren't- it wouldn't be fair or responsible. It just feels like I'm the only one taking it seriously and trying to make adult decisions, however unsexy that is...

OP posts:

Barnbrack · 14/07/2025 07:43

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 07:42

He's been tested in a previous relationship and is fine. I'm going through tests now but probably wouldn't want to do IVF. I just don't feel supported by him at all which is making me look at the whole relationship. I'm very much a put up and shut up person but with the massively serious questions of adding a child to the dynamic I can't take the risk if we are not in a stable place - which we clearly aren't- it wouldn't be fair or responsible. It just feels like I'm the only one taking it seriously and trying to make adult decisions, however unsexy that is...

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How long have you been together and what does he bring to the situation

beAsensible1 · 14/07/2025 07:45

Oaktree1952 · 14/07/2025 05:40

I would think twice about having children with him. If he can’t put in the effort to make a child, is he really going to put in the effort to raise a child?

I feel your frustration, it took me years to get my dd but my dh never once told me that I had to seduce him! He wanted a baby too and knew it was going to be “work” to get one. We tried to ensure we had sex for fun through out the month but during ovulation he did what was needed.

But OP has already intimated that he struggles to either get it up or ejaculate. Most people recognise that with a partner who has a shy appendage extra pressure means you won’t get to any penetration/ejaculation.

so not mentioning the high stakes every time they have sex in a fertile window make sense no? The seducation part I assume is tongue I cheek. At most seduction in a long term relationships is fancy a tumble ?? Rather than doing some elaborate seduction.

CurlewKate · 14/07/2025 07:46

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 07:42

He's been tested in a previous relationship and is fine. I'm going through tests now but probably wouldn't want to do IVF. I just don't feel supported by him at all which is making me look at the whole relationship. I'm very much a put up and shut up person but with the massively serious questions of adding a child to the dynamic I can't take the risk if we are not in a stable place - which we clearly aren't- it wouldn't be fair or responsible. It just feels like I'm the only one taking it seriously and trying to make adult decisions, however unsexy that is...

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How long ago was he tested?

INeedAnotherName · 14/07/2025 07:59

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 07:07

I've not banged on about ovulation/fertility to him - just (a bit timidly) mentioned a good window to dtd. His push back tells me a lot and I agree with posters who suggest kids are not the best idea. Fwiw he has form for reacting very badly to any sort of stress so I try and keep a peaceful home life. He doesn't work ATM so paying all the bills and making all the life admin decisions on my own is taking its toll. Maybe time to get out. This comment about seducing him felt like the final straw sadly.

Show quote history

Fwiw he has form for reacting very badly to any sort of stress so I try and keep a peaceful home life.
He's not great father material tbh. The biggest stress you will ever face is the first year of parenthood. You should never have pandered to him because he now expects/demands to be put first which really should not be happening if you want children.

Get out of this relationship, and go to a sperm bank if you really want a child. You will be far happier and less resentful/frustrated. Good luck

Original poster

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 08:00

He was tested in 2016 - we've been to talk to the GP and he didn't think DH needed to get retested - just me to check my cycle (and an unexpected diagnosis of PCOS)

OP posts:

Barnbrack · 14/07/2025 08:04

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 08:00

He was tested in 2016 - we've been to talk to the GP and he didn't think DH needed to get retested - just me to check my cycle (and an unexpected diagnosis of PCOS)

That's 9 yrs ago. How old is he?

Original poster

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 08:07

He's 43. I'm a year older :(

OP posts:

Yazzi · 14/07/2025 08:12

Ah OP. I feel for you. You sounded really resentful of him and your updates make clear you have good reason to be so. Lots of love xxx

FilthyforFirth · 14/07/2025 08:17

Yep time to get out and perhaps come to terms with the fact that you might not be a biological mum. Doesn't mean you can't be a mum.

But even if you were 10 years younger I would think it irresponsible to bring a baby into this relationship. Chosing your childs father is the most important decision you make imo.

Walkaround · 14/07/2025 08:21

Well, I feel sorry for both of you. If a woman were talked about the way posters have talked about your dh, people would say how misogynistic and that the attitude towards the woman was the cause of her stress, possible depression and lack of desire to have sex on demand. Your dh is not a sperm bank, but you are wanting to treat him that way and have made it clear you don’t think he is much use for anything else. Please don’t have children with this man - it would be unfair on both of you, and unfair for your child.

CurlewKate · 14/07/2025 08:38

Hereagain334 · 14/07/2025 08:00

He was tested in 2016 - we've been to talk to the GP and he didn't think DH needed to get retested - just me to check my cycle (and an unexpected diagnosis of PCOS)

You need to get a new doctor. That is seriously crap advice!

CurlewKate · 14/07/2025 08:41

Pretty sure they if a man came on here saying that he and his wife were desperate for a baby and it wasn’t happening and she was saying “seduce me-I have to be in the mood” she wouldn’t get much sympathy.

Walkaround · 14/07/2025 08:46

CurlewKate · 14/07/2025 08:41

Pretty sure they if a man came on here saying that he and his wife were desperate for a baby and it wasn’t happening and she was saying “seduce me-I have to be in the mood” she wouldn’t get much sympathy.

Pretty sure a woman wouldn’t express it that way and posters would be saying the man was attempting marital rape by ignoring her lack of desire for sex…