DH expects me to seduce him

[Hereagain334]

DH and I are trying for a baby (40's so will be almost impossible). I have blood tests, scans, fertility appointments etc...he doesn't even have to wank into a pot. I have PCOS so realise I'm up against it and won't likely succeed. He knows all this. My AIBU is that he doesn't want ANY pressure about having sex with me during my most fertile days. I've gently tried to explain some days are better than others for getting pregnant but he responded by accusing me of putting pressure on him. When asked how I should go about it he said I should 'come and seduce him' when I'm at my most fertile and that he didn't want to know when that was!!
I'm so shocked I can't even articulate a response so am worried I'm being hysterical. But I'm so fucking angry I doubt I'll sleep with the twat again.

I wouldn't be going through all that without getting him tested about whether his swimmers are heading in the right general direction. Honestly, he sounds like he never really grew up. I imagine if you swan around in a negligee or start doing a striptease down to a g-string he'd pretty much get the idea there was an egg involved and start moaning about pressure or perhaps he'd like you some random non-fertile days as well to spice it up. I can't imagine what I'd have said if my husband had said this to me when I was facing possible issues conceiving. He was there making visits to the specialists and asking about fertile days. It doesn't sound like you like your husband very much and maybe he isn't very likeable. I can't imagine that he is good father material.

Why would I teach people something that I've said we need to get rid of? And I must have missed op acting like an entitled brat about having children, she was quite clear that it is unlikely she'll conceive due to her age.

This. I'm wondering if he wants a child.Sounds to like he's happy with his lot and kids are not on his radar.

You don't seem to even like each other very much. Why are you trying to bring a child into this situation? You will be back on here next year asking how to get out of the relationship.

I did similar. My DH asked me not to be all “do the deed now I’m ovulating”. I just initiated when I knew it was a good day. It was a bit of an exercise in mental gymnastics as he knew really I was initiating because I was approaching ovulation. But it kept him happy and I got pregnant so 😆

And you wonder why he doesn’t want to have sex with you?

Honestly you’re starting to sound unhinged.

I agree it must be particularly aggravating when you’re the one with an underlying condition and pressured by time constraints to have your husband whinge about feeling under pressure when literally all he has to do is just fuck you. If you’re anything like I was when I was trying to get pregnant, performance wasn’t even important- I literally didn’t care as long as he ejaculated in the right place to make a baby. It’s not hard. Pardon the pun.

I will say, my husband did find it took a toll on him as time went on. Sex did get very mechanical for want of a better word. He does acknowledge it was worse for me. We tried for 4 years (no tests, long story) and then gave up. A month later I was pregnant with our daughter. This isn’t me saying “just relax babe it’ll just happen” because I know that often it doesn’t.

So, he has performance anxiety, has effectively told you he can’t just get it up on demand when feeling stressed (ie stress related erectile dysfunction), and you’re angry with him. You sound self-centred and tunnel visioned. You both clearly have fertility problems, but you are unsympathetic to his side of the problem.

Aw, a mental incel that stays up all night on a Sunday harassing women on Mumsnet.
How quaint.

Just to say that I had PCOS and had 2 children in my 40s, so it is possible (though it was anxious and unpredictible) . Have read the OPs but not the whole thread. I guess, if he is going to perform more effectively if the set up is more romantic, can you plan "romantic" evenings in, with a nice (?? dine in to make it easier) meal and whatever set up seems to be conducive to sex, particularly when you know you are going to be ovulating? Is it not something you could both try to enjoy a bit? Arguments are not likely to help with the matter in hand.

Also, are you both taking all the recommended supplements, for example I remember my husband taking zinc.

Yeah, the biggest turn on us to feel someone desires you. No woman wants to feel like just a sperm repository and no man just wants to feel like an available sperm donor. 🤷‍♀️

Regardless of age, size, shape etc. use your imagination, channel your inner seductress and have some sexy fun. 😉

You sound angry and rather sad, possibly because you are worried you will never have a child. But your partner clearly isn’t one of the men women are talking about on this thread who are always up for sex and rock hard instantly. He is in his 40s and has a degree of erectile dysfunction at the best of times which he probably finds humiliating, and he genuinely worries he won’t be physically able to have sex if he feels under pressure to perform on demand. It’s pretty high-stakes sex, after all. And as others have said he literally has to be turned on to have sex, which isn’t the case for a woman. He’s trying to tell you that he fears he won’t be able to help you conceive if sex is purely mechanical. I don’t see why a man would be a bad parent just because he has erectile dysfunction. He’s not doing it to degrade you. He’s probably embarrassed and if you make it as obvious to him that you despise him for it as you have on this thread, then I doubt that helps him either. Is this quite a new relationship?

You must be extremely bored and lonely to invest so many replies on this thread to no effect. Yes - you've been reported. Now off you fuck...

Why do you want to have a child?

Does your husband know your disgust and contempt for him?

Why would he want to have a child with you?

Should you be having a child together?

You sound like you both hate each other, dont think its wise to bring a child into this.

I've not banged on about ovulation/fertility to him - just (a bit timidly) mentioned a good window to dtd. His push back tells me a lot and I agree with posters who suggest kids are not the best idea. Fwiw he has form for reacting very badly to any sort of stress so I try and keep a peaceful home life. He doesn't work ATM so paying all the bills and making all the life admin decisions on my own is taking its toll. Maybe time to get out. This comment about seducing him felt like the final straw sadly.

Truthfully, your most fertile days should be around ovulation and when you naturally are most “horny” (sorry hate that word but couldn’t think of another one). Lean into this and make it fun, why not seduce him and dominate. Build up to it all day, tease him. You’ll both enjoy it and it might actually
increase your chances. No one likes sex that feels like chore. Go get him!

He doesn’t sound very nice OP and I don’t think he wants to have a child. And besides, it doesn’t sound like having a child with him would be a good idea anyway.

Imagine speaking like this about the man you want as the father of your child.

Sounds like a good idea to split given this update.

If this was the other way around and a woman was expected just to be ready to open her legs on the click of the fingers you’d be outraged.

He is being honest. He needs to feel as relaxed as possible to perform. He doesn't like to feel like a donor. Remember to love him for himself not only for his fathering potential.

So, instead of verbalising to him your anxiety and pressure and also making him feel similar pressure - you stay quiet about the baby making.
Remain calm, happy and create spaces and moments that keep you feeling your best. Have baths, eat your favourtite food, go on walks in places that inspire your happy vibes (but also remain aware of your body and when to initiate sex).

Buy a kit at the chemist to track your ovulation. That could take some of the pressure off you. Though DH will not need to be knowing about that.

You are getting old so maybe your want for a child is over taking your other common sense feelings..
You need to decide whether having a child with this man is the right move

Oh God what? No! As someone who went through years of fertility issues she's already the one mainly impacted physically and now he expects a frigging pole dance or something too? Ffs.

PCOS can actually mean it's easier to conceive later than earlier so you may be more likely to get pregnant than you'd expect.

Metformin can work wonders

Jf he can't be bothered to have sex I'd question whether he'd bother to change nappies etc and that'd be my bigger concern.

Are you sure you want a baby with him?

Hang on, you pay for everything, he doesn't even work, and now he won't even properly participate in trying for a child? He (a) doesn't want one; and (b) is a cocklodger.

Honestly OP, you're better off going it alone with a sperm donor and IVF straight away. Or adopting an embryo that's already been created and is no longer needed/wanted.

This man would be terrible to have a child with.