Stormed out of family gathering am I the holiday wrecker

[stormedoutaibu]

DH and I are early 30s, DD is 2, on a family mini break away (staying in separate accommodation to in-laws who are DH parents sister along with naughty dog and aunties)
sister very anxious about dog and DD mixing (bit aggressive and unruly large frenchie about staffie sized so DH and I have to police very carefully) and has cried a few times about it today.
FIL rolled his eyes at me earlier for insisting my DH goes to grab DD beach shoes (I didn’t go as I’m 30’weeks pregnant in a heatwave)
MIL and FIL keep bickering

went to enjoy takeaway a their Airbnb. And my DD was sent away to dance in the lounge several rooms from where the adults were sat ‘to give the dog some peace’ and to ‘go and do it in the lounge cos of the dog’
i thought about it for 5 minutes or so and then left with my daughter as this offended me but I didn’t tell DH where I had gone but told MIL I was at a park within line of sight of the air bnb
they and my husband is acting like I’ve ruined everyone’s holiday and been the 4th reason that FIL has ever cried
all honesty I’ve had enough of the whole thing them bickering and the dog being priority over my toddler

I think most people would just get their child and leave the family to it if they were told to go in a different room, no drama needed, so there is definitely more to this story.

According to OP, the child fell over and hit her face after being told to leave the room "because of the dog", and then everyone blamed the FIL for the child being injured, then 5 minutes later OP stormed off without telling her DH, which then caused every adult in the house/courtyard to start crying...

Now her DH won't talk to her because 'she is the bad person' for making them all cry.. definitely a big chunk of this story missing IMO, the dog seems to be the least of the problem!

This sounds like the holiday from hell! What is their obsession with crying?! I can see why you might cry: 30 weeks pregnant in a heat wave, their bat shit behaviour and tears. Surely a toddler comes above a dog in the pecking order?!

Sounds like virtually every family gathering I’ve been to on both sides of the family in over 40 years of marriage. It’s what families do. It isn’t the end of the world. It will all blow over.
Of course it might make you feel you don’t want to repeat the experience but that’s up to you.

Everyone had finished eating.
my toddler was doing nowhere near the dog and was very much leaving her alone, she didn’t try to touch her the entire time we were away and never has done before

People treating dogs like babies is so cringe. I think you're getting a bad rap here op, I would be annoyed at the situation too.

We only see our in laws when either

a) we are invited to restaurants (lot of money spent we don’t have to be honest)

b) when they are invited to ours (a lot of money and hard work spent hosting for us)

we never get invited round for a bite to eat, a roast dinner or anything else anymore whereas throughout my 10 year relationship with DH we would have been quite regularly

After all this it makes me wonder is it because the dog and my DD aren’t compatible clearly. So we are left out.

Stop hosting them and stop the meals out. Suggest to meet in the park.

Make things easier… if asked out for a meal just invite them to yours…
don’t ‘host them’…. Buy a cake and or biscuits and offer them tea and cake/biscuits. They don’t host you, so don’t feel bad not cooking for them!
what happens Christmas / birthdays / Mother’s Day etc?

It doesn’t sound like you see them much at all!…
I’d be refusing to go away with them again… just tell DH you have 2 children and can’t be doing with the in laws constant bickering and that bloody dog!

I hope your DH has stopped not speaking to you and being angry with you.

From what you said. It wasn't you leaving that caused inebriated FIL to cry.. it was the fact that after your dd fell over near him and hit her face on table.. the rest of the Bickerers all turned around and had a go at him.
There is something wrong with him for crying like that.

You were'nt even there as far as I can tell from your posts, but at the park.

Why is he blaming it on you.

There is something wrong with people who always have to seek out people to blame for every little thing. They, including your DH sound like a bunch of drama llamas.

I think as a 30 week preg mother of active toddler whose spent the entire time keeping her out of the way of a dog and having to stay sober whilst everyone else is drinking ( which always raises the temperature amoungst argumentative people) you have had a tough time. You did tell MIL you were taking DD out (sensible) and she didn;'t seem to have communicated that to your DH, all the while the rest of them were asking where you were.

Has your DH accepted that you did tell someone where you were going?
Has he accepted that it was a good idea to remove your DD from what was becoming an increasingly heated situation?

It maybe that there was an element where you were to "blame".. but for what? For the drama they were all making over nothing, and after several drinks? It seems odd that he decided everything was your fault.

Surely everyone could have behaved better in this Much Ado About Nothing scenario.. and it seems unfair for him to lay it all on you and no one else.

If he is still sulking and blaming... he needs to grow up, put his issues to one side and focus on the fact that you are about to give birth, and could do without the stress raising your blood pressure which is never good for heavily pregnant women. Are you due a check up soon?
And he needs to recognise that this is a time in your life when you need support and kindness, not chewing over pointless stupid arguments that are now in the past. He needs to Cut you some slack and start looking after you whilst you prepare to give birth to his child and also step up parenting of his DD to give you a chance to relax after all this mayhem.
Do you need some TLC from your own family? Would that help ATM?
I hope you now get a chance to relax, cuddle your DD and put this behind you for the important things like giving birth shortly. Wishing you a smooth delivery.

Absolutely this. If I may add one bit…

Suggest to meet in the park without SIL’s dog.

This sounds so horrendous. Going to the park was the right idea, I would have apologised once to my husband for not waiting a couple of extra minutes for him. But I would have expected him to 1. Accept the apology and 2. Have my back with the emotional drunken in laws.

The dog probably would have preferred to be put in a quite space away from all the hustle and bustle so I’m stuck on why they sent a toddler out of the line of sight of her parents with just a grandfather who was quite clearly heavily under the influence and not capable of watching her.

The crying situation just screams that’s they’ve all had too much to drink and your husband getting emotional over his dad crying as if that’s your fault is extremely unattractive.

It’s hot and you’re 30 weeks pregnant. You should not have subjected yourself to this trip. You’re better than me because I would have politely declined.

ps. I’m sure your dancing toddler is adorable, I think mine is the cutest thing in the world too.

I agree with this 100%.

It's outrageous that your daughter was banished because of a bloody dog

This so-called break sounds a total nightmare. I hope DH, even more than you, has learned his lesson and never again tries to have a family holiday where you and he are the only people with a small child and one on the way to think about. What were they supposing, that you could put a two year old away in the cupboard when they'd had enough of her?

You may have ruined their holiday, but the actual problem was their idea of a holiday. They didn't give how it would work for you and DD a moment's thought, did they? DH is not blameless in this, btw.

Storming out is always going to be a wrecker of any family get together.

It does sound as though avoiding lengthy breaks with extended family is a good idea. And I’d be annoyed if a dog was put above my child, but saying ,’ I think I’ll take DD to the park’ and then leaving calmly would have been better.

I wouldn’t have gone if there was history with the dog but the FiL crying thing is bizarre. DH should support you and at least question his father’s reactions. He’s in the middle and should be mediating , not taking sides against you from the off

Having just completed two family holidays whilst pregnant, one with my own family and one with the in laws, I can certainly relate and sympathise with the whole situation. Layering on pregnancy hormones & heat (the impact of both of these on our behaviour should absolutely not be underestimated!) on top of lots of existing personal and family dynamics, repressed and unspoken feelings, and the pressure on everyone to be 'having a good time' is a recipe for a hot mess in my experience. It's quite normal in these situations for things to bubble over at some rather minor trigger where it's not really about who's reasonable/ unreasonable in that particular episode, but all the other stuff that's been simmering beneath the surface. I think you (and probably everyone else by the sounds of it) should give yourselves some grace and compassion for that.

My partner too feels often very caught in the middle between me mine and his family's disagreements and we've had some similar scenarios. I really sympathise with his position here and it sounds like you understand where your DH is at too - it's not easy for them. But I also think he needs to have more understanding for your reaction in the circumstances, and sympathise that it's bloody hard on anyone being 30 weeks pregnant, let alone in the heat, and let alone in the tense family dynamic that you are in. I hope that you can explain more about what was really going on, and he will be more supportive going forward in these situations. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

No, they are not but they are worthy of consideration and space. This whole weekend sounds as though it was on a knife edge-and a lot of fuss about not very much.

You did the right thing by taking your daughter away to the little park. You left calmly & told your MIL. Job done. Why SIL wasn't told to take her dog out for a walk to tire it out & give your DD the opportunity to sing her songs & dance I do not know. Strange that grandchildren & nieces & nephews are usually the bees knees but in this family it's the dog with top billing.

“we never get invited round for a bite to eat, a roast dinner or anything else anymore whereas throughout my 10 year relationship with DH we would have been quite regularly
After all this it makes me wonder is it because the dog and my DD aren’t compatible clearly. So we are left out.”

I’m so sorry. It does sound like SIL and her sensitivity about her dog are cause them to see less of your daughter. Your feelings are valid. It’s not nice or fair if they never invite you over. Going forward I’d leave your husband to plan most of the contact & do what suits your family. Sometime like lunch at Macdonalds or go to a pub where you order at the counter. You can order simple for your family and pay. They can order what they like and pay for themselves.

The drama at the end of the family holiday was unpleasant. In a few days when there is a calm moment, perhaps when DD in bed, I’d try have a conversation with your DH. Tell him you’d like a calm conversation about the end of the holiday. You understand things got heated and messy. He was obviously feeling some stress about it all. But his unforgiving reaction to you hurt you. That you are meant to be a team. You want to be on his side. He went on holiday with his family to try support him. If there is a misunderstanding with his family you think it’s reasonable he hears your side & shows you compassion too.

How did you think taking a 'nearly 2 y.o' to a wedding reception was going to go?

Well, normal I would think. She's a small human, not an animal.
In other European countries she would have been in the midst of the celebrating.

UK adults are ridiculous with small children.
Talk about "seen but not heard"

Well said 👏🏻