Stormed out of family gathering am I the holiday wrecker

[stormedoutaibu]

DH and I are early 30s, DD is 2, on a family mini break away (staying in separate accommodation to in-laws who are DH parents sister along with naughty dog and aunties)
sister very anxious about dog and DD mixing (bit aggressive and unruly large frenchie about staffie sized so DH and I have to police very carefully) and has cried a few times about it today.
FIL rolled his eyes at me earlier for insisting my DH goes to grab DD beach shoes (I didn’t go as I’m 30’weeks pregnant in a heatwave)
MIL and FIL keep bickering

went to enjoy takeaway a their Airbnb. And my DD was sent away to dance in the lounge several rooms from where the adults were sat ‘to give the dog some peace’ and to ‘go and do it in the lounge cos of the dog’
i thought about it for 5 minutes or so and then left with my daughter as this offended me but I didn’t tell DH where I had gone but told MIL I was at a park within line of sight of the air bnb
they and my husband is acting like I’ve ruined everyone’s holiday and been the 4th reason that FIL has ever cried
all honesty I’ve had enough of the whole thing them bickering and the dog being priority over my toddler

4th time he’s ever cried and makes a point of everyone knowing? What a pathetic man

It doesn’t sound like a great situation to start with having a dog and a toddler in close proximity in this heat but “storming off” over such a trivial issue is a bit ridiculous and very PFB.

Adults don’t want to spend ten minutes watching a toddler dance to Peppa Pig music even if you think she’s “the cutest thing in the world”. It’s great that she sits at the table but are you and her chatting constantly and expecting all the attention so the adults can’t have a conversation?

They could have been a bit more tactful but you could also have recognised that she was being energetic around an irritable hot dog (and likely irritable hot adults as well) and just calmly excused yourself to take her to the playground and let her run off some energy for a bit so that the adults and dog could have some peace.

I agree.
The situation was getting tense... you took your toddler and yourself away from it. That sounds very sensible to me. You and your DD had a break from some permanently bickering and fussing boring adults who should all know better.

It was all stirred by MIL who has been bickering all holiday and is het up - who refused to pass on your message to your DH.

As for the drunk eye rollling FIL, bursting into tears - its absolutely pathetic. No one died. No one was seriously injured. What is wrong with your DH.. I understand he's in the middle but he's really buying into their nonsense with the whole Grown man only cried four times in his life rubbish.

Eye rolling at a preg in 3rd trimester asking partner for help would really annoy the hell out of me too.

Toddlers do fall and often on furniture, especially in a strange house.. We had to put bubble wrap on the corners of our stupid coffee table for a while (which DH hated) but it saved both me and DS a lot of botheration.

FIL is a parent so he must have experienced this before... but I also hate GPs attempting drunk supervision of young children and I don't blame you at all for leaving such a fraught situation.

The fact that they all made such a HUGE DRAMA out of you taking your DD, who they were clearly getting annoyed with, out of a tense situation to a nearby park for a breather to everyone, speaks more about how difficult they all are.
The constant bickering and fussing must have been unbearable.

I absolutely guarantee that if you'd stayed... they would have kicked off even more - and particularly at you. As the outsider - you've been designated lower in the pecking order, which is fab for them as they have someone they can easily blame.

Be careful about over apologising and grovelling to DH (as he seems to expect) (as poster above said) it will make it appear you are more in the wrong than you really are. You've apologised. That's enough. They accept it or not. If they can't that's their problem... what more do they want from you?

You are about to give birth and DH needs to have your back not berating you about his Dad's emotional problems, but he's caught up in the family dynamic. And its really stressful having to watch a toddler around a difficult dog and drunk adults. Not the dogs fault but equal level of supervision is required. What is your DH doing?
When you are with a bunch of argumentative people who can't contain themselves and are all looking for someone to blame or an excuse to kick off and vent their "feelings" the only thing you can do is retire and say "Serenity Now!" on repeat.

Then keep your cool. Don't engage with nonsense. Make a decision to manage your DD. Ignore suggestions/comments/eye rolls. Take her into a different area without annoucing when it all gets to much. And then carve a bit of space, or this bunch are going to be a nightmare when baby arrives. I'd quietly make a plan now about visiting/how to manage dog near new baby/toddler when youre attention is divided and tell DH what you expect in this regard.

Have you got any support from your own family? If so lean on them.

It sounds like they all like the idea of your DD, a cute toddler to share photos of and brag about, but the actual reality of having to give her any attention that will eat into their adult time just doesn’t interest them. Children should be seen and not heard and all that. I think you did the right thing. Your DH and his family are ridiculous. Don’t go on holiday with them again.

this

To be fair it sounds like they are nervous of your toddler and dog being together and are trying to keep them separated, which isn't necessarily putting a dog above your child but more trying to keep her safe?
They do sound very OTT with all the emotional stuff though.

I they had been mithering that they didn't see enough of her & then didn't make the most of being on holiday with her I'd probably be fucked off, make a pa comment & wonder why I'd bothered at all.

What should those with young children and animals do with them, pray tell?

So basically your In Laws are attention whores, everything has to be about them! This holiday is all about them and the dog,
Everything you do seems to irritate them and taking DD away from a tense situation building up is seen as treason. No matter if you are on guard against your DD irritating the dog/relatives or taking her to the park as there is no room for her to use up her energy, or if you ignored your DD’s needs, you are the bad guy. Asking your DH to fetch something for DD gets an eye roll and MIL didn’t pass on where you had taken DD to DH and made you the scapegoat.
You have a husband problem, he doesn’t have your back and had your child been bitten, even if he was in the same room, he would side with his family and blame you!
I would tell your H where he can stick his blame, tell him to pander to the needs of his family and leave you and DD out of the harms way, from the dog and his strange, tears on tap manipulative family.

100%

My sensory overload is kicking in just at the thought of it.

Omg OP I felt this in my bones. I’ve married into a #1 Dog Fan Family and I have to manage my kids coming second to their bloody dogs. We now don’t get invited to family things anymore so their awful banned breed muzzled dog can enjoy itself.
Is a relief really! You did nothing wrong, I know first hand how bat shit these sorts of families can be!

you have my sympathies 💐

Yes - this is just you. Most people, even those who love the children very dearly, are going to find a child dancing inside a bit much. Throw peppy pig into the mix and you’re bordering on torture. It’s overwhelming, especially when everyone’s hot and trying to relax.

Your SIL being highly emotional is likely because of your pregnancy. With love, hearing you constantly with: “I can’t do this because I’m pregnant, I need to rest because I’m expecting a new baby any minute. Don’t you enjoy watching my DD dance around ? That’ll be two children I’ll have soon. Lucky me.” Is going to feel like a constant slap in the face reminder of what she doesn’t have. Obviously this isn’t your intention but it doesn’t make it any less hard for her.

It sounds like everyone is having a hard time in general, everyone is too hot and it’s all a bit much.

WTAF - why is everyone crying? Totally bizarre. Is DH anything like his father? I'd be off home. No one needs this much drama in their lives.

This sounds like a really miserable holiday. Probably avoid any holidays with your in laws in future!

It has been so hot lately, it must be awful being pregnant with a toddler in this heat. And none of the others will be thinking how you are feeling.

A child should always be prioritised over a dog. I find it really ridiculous when people are all about “dog babies” having equal/precedence over actual children.

Your SIL must be feeling a bit jealous or sorry for herself if she compares herself to you (with a child and pregnant) and she just has a dog - wanting children when you are nowhere near having one can be all consuming too.

Your husband and FIL both sound like wet mops I’m afraid. I would lose respect for both of them.

I would probably grey rock the whole family and avoid gatherings. They could visit you if they wanted to see the children, but not bring a dog.

My in laws have got two dobermans they can’t quite control. Who are their babies. So I avoid bringing my actual babies to stay with them.

How about put their welfare first……babies and animals cannot speak for themselves can they??? If it means missing a holiday….so be it!

OP, I do appreciate that from your POV it is everyone else who is in the wrong. And I think you likely have a point in some aspects of this situation- but I think given the reactions of those around you that perhaps you may need to examine whether you are quite as blameless as you appear to believe. Your DH may be over- reacting, or he may be responding the way he is because he perceives the situation differently to you and thinks you were in the wrong (at least in part).

Clearly, your FIL rolling his eyes about a conversation which has nothing to do with him, is highly irritating. I’d find your SIL crying all the time exhausting. I think I’d be frustrated that the dog was making life more complicated with your DD, even if I knew what I was getting into. PIL and family members bickering would also be annoying- probably more than it would be if your family were doing the same thing- but I think some bickering is not uncommon. In excess, yes it would make me a little uncomfortable. So you have my sympathy in regards to those aspects.

That said, I think your SIL is right to be worried about dog and DD mixing, especially if it is not a well behaved dog- I think even we’ll trained and obedient dogs need to be carefully watched around toddlers and young children. She would feel awful if something happened. I think ending up in tears about it does seem a little dramatic if I’m honest, but she’s right in principle.

I think having a small child dancing to lively music in close proximity to the dog would have been a bad idea. And I don’t think I’d have found her dancing around to peppa pig shortly after dinner particularly endearing TBH- even in my own children. I would probably have suggested going somewhere else to do it too. You think it’s the cutest thing ever, others may not be quite so… enamoured. I think bring “offended” and stomping off was OTT. I think it probably looked far more like storming off than you have suggested- even if it was not intentional on your part.

As for making your FIL cry, I think you may need to reconsider whether you are as blameless as you believe yourself to be. Given crying I’d something which he very, very rarely does- I’d wonder why this made him cry? I think there is more to this- possibly something you are unaware of, something perhaps you are oblivious to if you are unable to see what upset him do much. Or perhaps there is something you about your behaviour that you may not want to admit to. Either way, I think if your husband and his family are this upset about the events of the evening that it may be worth considering whether your behaviour may have contributed to the situation, at all. Those around you- including your DH- have perceived it as such and I think you might consider why. Perhaps you haven’t done anything wrong and are being treated unfairly, but I do think possibly not as black and white as you think.

Yep. At the start of this thread, she'd "stormed out" which of course would have caused concern and upset with the rest of the family. But not far in to this thread, OP hadn't stormed out, she'd just told her MIL nicely, that she was taking DD to the park.

Personally I'm going to go with the title of the OP. No-one cries (FIL) or acts anxious (the aunts) because someone quietly said they were talking their daughter to the park

I hate when people treat pets as more important than children. My ex FIL used to prioritise a feral cat over my baby.

Yanbu. I don't know why your husband is upset with you?

Why though? People have different priorities mine is and always will be my children but other than DH I don’t expect anyone else to have that priority and neither should they.

Even my parents who are amazing grandparents have to make sure on holiday that their needs are met particularly now my dad has Parkinson’s and it is balancing out that alongside the needs of my kids.

the OP seems to expect it all to revolve around her child which is can’t

So if a animal was in the road on one side and a toddler on the other side, you'd hesitate which way to swerve?
There's something mentally wrong with someone doesn't prioritise children.

OP I'd be worried that your FIL isn't in cognitive decline. This isn't usual behaviour at all.

I wanted her to dance 3-4 metres away from dog where I can see her.

but SIL asked her drunk dad to take her in the lounge out of my sight

All the adults had finished eating and we were cleaning up and some drinking wine gin etc.

The peppa comments, it hadn’t been on all day, she dances to 1 or 2 songs then moves on to something else and the adults put their own music on

she was not pestering touching or going near the dog but it kept straining on the lead to get to her so much that it cut my SIL legs up

I think you’re overreacting OP and now adding in bits to make your post more credible.
You didn’t say the Dad was drunk originally, you didn’t mention SIL cut legs.
Have you thought that maybe you’re in the wrong here!

The holiday was badly planned, keeping a straining dog on a lead so it doesn’t go near a young child would be bloody stressful, your DD dancing would have made it worse. Young children are always on the move, everyone constantly trying to keep her a certain distance away. It would have been very tense at times and exhausting, no one could relax and enjoy the time they spent with DD. You add in the factor of you being 30 weeks pregnant, you being on high alert, not as fast if something did happen, to dive in and separate a dog and child, no wonder it was a disaster!
Whether you flounced out or just calmly took DD to the park, makes no difference. I think it highlighted the problems with having an energetic dog, hurting owner with the lead as it was straining to get to a child and having a pregnant woman there. You were meant to pin a smile on and pretend everything was perfectly fine, you taking DD out of harms way, so she could safely run around, fucked them off because your actions of catering to the needs of your child, made them feel they had made a big mistake of bringing the fucking dog!
Your H and his family made you the scapegoat because you didn’t play along and ignore the danger, the tension like they did and it made them feel uncomfortable. It made them feel wrong for bringing dog along, so all the tension, the tears of the day was put firmly on your shoulders and you were blamed for it!
Your H needs to get his head out of his arse and see the situation as it was.