Stormed out of family gathering am I the holiday wrecker

[stormedoutaibu]

DH and I are early 30s, DD is 2, on a family mini break away (staying in separate accommodation to in-laws who are DH parents sister along with naughty dog and aunties)
sister very anxious about dog and DD mixing (bit aggressive and unruly large frenchie about staffie sized so DH and I have to police very carefully) and has cried a few times about it today.
FIL rolled his eyes at me earlier for insisting my DH goes to grab DD beach shoes (I didn’t go as I’m 30’weeks pregnant in a heatwave)
MIL and FIL keep bickering

went to enjoy takeaway a their Airbnb. And my DD was sent away to dance in the lounge several rooms from where the adults were sat ‘to give the dog some peace’ and to ‘go and do it in the lounge cos of the dog’
i thought about it for 5 minutes or so and then left with my daughter as this offended me but I didn’t tell DH where I had gone but told MIL I was at a park within line of sight of the air bnb
they and my husband is acting like I’ve ruined everyone’s holiday and been the 4th reason that FIL has ever cried
all honesty I’ve had enough of the whole thing them bickering and the dog being priority over my toddler

Why is your H not asking why his mum didn’t bother to pass on the information of your whereabouts when you had told her where you were going? Why is he blatantly dismissing it and basically saying you lied about telling his mum where you were going? Why didn’t he have the bollocks to say you both felt it was a dangerous situation to put DD in and you wouldn’t be going round unless dog was removed from the room?

Why didn’t he have the bollocks to say you both felt it was a dangerous situation to put DD in and you wouldn’t be going round unless dog was removed from the room?

I don't think he is thinking that - only the OP. By the sound of it, he was expecting a nice laid-back holiday with the clan, where his needs are noticed and he gets a few beers because DW is pregnant so becomes designated responsible parent, whether she likes it or not.

But add a new baby to need some or a lot of the eyes-on attention for the family and that will be a totally non-negotiable dangerous situation. I wouldn't pass my 2 year old to slightly 'tired and emotional' Granddad for another room given his reaction to her falling on the floor next to him. The falling is not really the issue, kids do this. Instead, the reason DH has found to be annoyed is that DW didn't reinforce the family dynamic as expected by SIL and parents, which is because it's not safe for a 2 year old on a couple of levels. Neither the 2 year old or the dog are going to suspend being what they are. SIL and parents have the advantage of being able to adapt a bit (not necessarily putting the little one in the spotlight), but instead, they're upset and impractical.

I calmly told her I was going to the park. It was perceived by my in laws as me storming off

We have answers on this now apparently she told him but he says he didn’t hear it

This? What?!

Having to tip toe around a dog on your holidays is absolutely ridiculous.

I love dogs but no way would I be putting up with that.

Holidays should be fun not having to accommodate and tip toe around a dog. Or in fact a person! Or a cat! How stressful

I would politely tell them to fuck off.

I cannot believe that EVERYONE is not saying that your DD should be nowhere near the dog unless it's on a lead, far away from her. It should not be in the same room and not her that should move!! Never do this again OP. It's the dog or your DD, especially for your useless DH. Sounds like the dog should be put down it could harm someone any minute. The whole situation is ridiculous.

It is not safe for a child to be dancing around in an ordinary sized room with a dog there. It is the kind of situation that can cause a dog to react. If your DD wanted to dance, I would have sent her into another room as well.

I do not have dogs, but lots of people do. But some people have zero understanding of dog behaviour, and you sound like you have very little understanding. A good dog owner pre-empts possible problems and ensures they do not happen.

So yes the sister could have left with the dog. But probably did not want to if she was eating the takeaway. Your DD was not eating if she was dancing around, so she was asked to dance in another room. You thought this was an outrageous request so grabbed your daughter and left the house.

Truthfully it sounds like you did not react well. You could have just said to the whole room, DD is feeling energetic, I will just take her to the park.

You are talking about parents in law bickering. But it is hot, they will be tired, many couples bicker. You have to ignore it.

Not everyone to be fair... I absolutely agree that OP and her DD should not be entertaining this bullshit.

Sadly if a dog cannot be civil around humans

1. Don't take the dog on holiday

End of.

Do you find it hard to communicate and be assertive - do you let things fester inside and then flounce out? Why could you not ask your FIL why he rolled his eyes calmly? Why could you not let others know that you were 'just taking DD out to the park'?

Why the pout and the flounce?

What do you want from this thread?

What do you want from your extended family relationships for you DCs and their relationship with their DGPs and Aunt going forward?

What do you think you need to do to achieve your goal?

Any dog can harm someone if people do not understand or ignore how you have to manage dogs.
Sure OP can refuse DD to be around the dog again, up to her and her husband. They will probably not be invited to family gatherings if that is the case.

I do not have a dog, but I do understand them. Too many people act as if dogs are robots who will always behave perfectly no matter what is going on around them. In reality all but the most docile dogs would hate a young child dancing around them in a small house sized room. It is scary for most dogs as the movement is so unpredictable and can look as if the child is going to hit them.

I have seen lots of people put dogs in situations like this and totally ignore or be oblivious to their dogs very obvious unhappiness. I am surprised given this that dogs do not bite more often than they do.

OP it is a "biggie" when the other adults just want to relax in peace and quiet and let their dinner go down, chat etc. Read the room. Of course you love seeing your daughter dancing around but others don't! Explain to your daughter that it's "quiet time" now.

Agree. PFB and main character syndrome.

And yet they were all wondering where you were?

DH was trying to find you probably saying "Where could OP have gone?" and MIL didn't have the brains to realise he hadn't heard her and repeat it?

This does not ring true from either your MIL or your DH.. not sure which.

But you are expected to accept it as the truth.
However, it does mean DH has now acknowledged that you did tell MIL that you were taking your DD to the park. So are you still considered "at fault?"

MIL could also have made things easier by saying to everyone. It's OK She's just taking DD to the park to run around and keep her out of the dog's way and for fresh air. Funny that. No one in a family of constant bickering made any attempt to downplay it and instead made it into such as drama that a 60 something man cried for the fourth time in his life.

What a very wicked about to give birth Mother of a two year old, keeping her safe from an unreliable dog, you are OP!

So does your DH still have beef with you about it?

Or MIL did say she had heard it when she did not, to try and reduce the drama.
It all sounds terribly dramatic over really nothing.

This is one of the strangest posts I have read in a while. I don't think you did anything wrong in the slightest, and it doesn't even sound like you "stormed out" either. Your DD was banished by people who are not her parents, you thought that was rightfully unfair, and given her age, went to join her so she wasn't alone, and then took her to the park.

The fact that all these adults are crying over dogs, tripping, misunderstandings, etc is just nuts! For FIL to cry because he got blamed for DD tripping and then for your DH to blame you for that would be enough for me to take my child and get in the car and leave DH in the dust.

You were simply being a mother to your toddler, and for DH to blame you for how other grown adults are choosing to react is completely unfair. You are not responsible for keeping his family happy, and you did nothing to make his father cry. For his father to be crying at all is on him, the father. For for DH not question that something deeper might be going on with his father to be breaking down in tears over something so trivial for only the second time since a funeral also says a lot.

Given that he stems from a family of people who are so emotionally unstable, I guess I can't be too surprised that he is overreacting too.

Wow. I'd be furious with DH over this. And I'd limit my time with his family after this too if he's going to unfairly blame you for their bizarre reactions to things.

@MyLittleNest The toddler was not banished. You do not let toddlers dance around in an ordinary living or dining room sized space with a dog in it. OP seems to know nothing about dogs and thinks that is fine. It is not.
So someone else intervened and suggested she dance in another room instead. That is all that happened.

Yikes YANBU I think you just need to get through this and then remember this next time they ask you to go away with them. I’m shocked by some of the responses here — of course a 2 year old PERSON is more important than a dog! SIL being triggered by the family treating your human child differently than her dog child is not your issue (and I say this as a pet and dog person).

It’s also ridiculous that your daughter was asked to dance in a different room. She’s 2, not 12. If your in laws wanted a quiet holiday away they should have gone on their own and not with a two year old. I’m sure she IS the cutest dancing to Peppa 🥹

If it’s important to your husband to go on a holiday with his family maybe next time you could try an all inclusive or something similar where you can each book your accommodation separately and then meet for activities and meals as it suits. Everyone staying in one place is often more trouble than it’s worth.

The dog should have gone to kennels. You should have gone on holiday with DH and DD and the crybabies should have sorted themselves out. It sounds a toxic holiday. Get you and DH and DD up and off early for days out alone. Leave them to the dog.

But the child wasn't banished to a room on her own. She was with her grandfather. She fell over and bumped her face and cried. Grandfather was blamed for letting her fall and got upset at that.

The other adults were trying to clear up after the meal when the child wanted to do her twirling. I think suggesting she went to the lounge - with grandad and Peppa Pig music - was sensible. Dog was probably a handy excuse.

I also think OP taking the child to a park, when lots of emotions were running high, was a good idea. Whether OP flounced, and made it all about a child vs dog being given precedence, I'm still not sure.

Not all dogs can go in kennels. Some simply do not cope. And it is VERY expensive to put a dog in a kennel.

What you really mean is sister should just stay at home with her dog.

@PretendToBeToastWithMe Who is saying the dog is more important? I would have suggested the toddler dance in another room as a twirling toddler and a dog in the same room is not a good idea.

This.

Also @stormedoutaibu are you sure your MIL did tell DH where you had gone? Seems odd that he "didn't hear".
It stinks of a bit of shit stirring on her behalf.

Your DH is yo blame for not having your back: t's usually the wife / partner that is easier to find fault with rather than stick up to his (quite frankly barking) family.

Look on the bright side - you now have the most perfect reason to never go on on holiday with them again, and actually to put lots of boundaries in place.

Good luck.

Being aware of dog needs and behaviour is tip toeing around a dog? Bloody hell. This idea is what puts children at risk of dog bites. The idea children can behave any way they like around a dog and no dog should ever react.

I used to have a dog. I lost count of the amount of young kids who would run over and throw themselves round my dogs neck, and the parents who would act offended when I told them to get off my dog.

We all have to co-exist.

Is there something more at play here? Is FIL or MIL ill and just not told anyone yet?