Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

She's right although to be fair the frequency of these trips sounds a little stressful.
One can have too much of a giid thing. I'd go less often and ensure bith of you have the time off.

@Commonsense22 yeah exactly! We have been away 4 times already this year and it’s on me to pack etc

Sorry but you are being an absolute brat

Simple, stop adding stress to your life by going on so many trips you don’t enjoy.

In the nicest possible way how much ‘me’ time do you think other parents get? You have a whole day every week and none of the worry of paying for childcare whilst you work.

Why are you feeling stressed about having to look after your daughter for three days on your own, when it sounds like you’re on your own with her most of the week anyway?

Also - you are going to be working remotely for some of the trip, so why is it a problem for him to do it?

I can see it’s frustrating being the default parent all the time, but given he sounds like a boyfriend who pops over to stay a few nights a week… that’s the arrangement you’ve got.

I know many couples where one travels a lot and the other has to pick up all the kid tasks in the week - it’s hard on them, but I think tolerates because they are looking at the bigger picture ie affording the nice house, school fees etc. In your scenario there is no greater good life plan because you basically still live separate lives - just with you getting a stipend.

@Goldengirl123 i did post in AIBU so expected some direct responses! I don’t feel like a brat but maybe I haven’t considered others’ situations and have been a bit blinded by my own struggles

Not only do you not have money worries but you also get a full day to yourself every week. Your sister was totally right to say something.
You seem to lack control over your life though which might be why you're whingeing.

@MidnightPatrol because I never have three full days like that, it’s broken up by nursery or DP being here. I only really do mornings and bedtimes and some days if I take holiday and take her out. Three days feels like a lot in one go.

DP wants to progress the relationship but I am taking it slow as technically we have been together only 3 ish years. I think in the next year we will focus on buying somewhere together

@Careeringallovertheplace i don’t know why I feel like this. No money problems is good but it doesn’t make me feel less stressed. Most people get time to themselves so I don’t think that’s unusual, it’s only one day and I’m usually clearing up from the week

I mean, your set up sounds a lot less stressful than mine I must say 🤣 but your sister sounds OTT to turn on you like that. Do you complain to her about it often?

@Snoopysimaginaryfriend well I guess I feel like one day a week isn’t much when I’m running the ship so to speak every other day. I feel it’s fair he pays for childcare given he earns a lot and I do all practical care pretty much

Three days looking after your own child "feels like a lot"! 😂😂 You get a whole day to yourself once a week!! What do you think most parents do?? I assume you're very young or very spoilt? Your sister is correct.

Why did you have a child if you don’t really want to spend time with her? Are you under the impression most parents aren’t either working or caring for their kids all of the time.

She’s right. Put your moans in a diary.

Duplicate post

@TY78910 recently I’ve been a bit more annoyed as I’ve found it difficult with dd in the heat so I probably have been moaning a bit more. She does complain about her dc too though!

@Maybeitllneverhappen well most parents aren’t doing it all all week are they?!

@AnneLovesGilbert i think it comes from doing it all for all of the week. It’s hard

You poor thing!

<get a grip>

Maybe you are but reading your post you sound very unreasonable. Some mothers struggle with real problems and would love to have what you have, so yes, I do think you need a reality check!

Yes they are.

I think you are right to come on here and sanity check things, as a lot of people would just dismiss these kinds of comments, I think its good you want to actually inspect what your sister says. If this is as uncharacteristic for her as you say, then I imagine she's got a point.
Unless I've missed it, while yes you did have a baby very early on in the relationship, ultimately you did choose to keep the baby.
You have security that other unmarried women do not have, owning your own property, and a decent job with decent pay.
On top of this, you are getting £1k extra a month.
On top of this, your partner is trying to work on the fact he has a demanding job and deliberately carves out time for you to spend together as a family, and he pays for this largely himself (despite you being on decent pay and getting 1k extra a month and no childcare costs, im sort of wondering how you could possibly spend all of it given I presume you share bills on your home to some extent, if not the mortgage?)
Again, maybe im missing context here but you chose to have a baby with someone who has this demanding job - unless he took it without discussing it with your? Is there a long term plan for him to be more present and do more parenting?
You do have it very good, and sometimes when we have it good any discomfort in that feels like a bigger deal than it actually is.
Do you think this has hit so hard because you did feel uncomfortable having a baby with someone you just met, in terms of you knew at the time it was quite an irresponsible decision and you havnt quite settled that with yourself? I only ask this because you bring it up in your post in a way that makes me think it weighs quite heavy on you - you are clearly someone who makes sensible decisions (keeping your own property) so maybe when things are tough with your child you feel some conflicted feelings about the fact that this is a situation of your own making and you knew it probably wasn't the best choice at the time but did it anyway - its hard when we have high standards of ourselves!

Can you just clarify your week? You wfh and she goes to nursery- is that 5 days? Then you have 1 day completely to yourself and 1 day with her? If so totally unreasonable. If however, you're attempting to wfh while looking after her, I get that you might be frazzled.

Why do you have to do trips? Can't you just stay home & take annual leave & just chill out? I was a SAHM so days looking after my DC wouldn't bother me. But I would prefer to be home more if it was me.

I feel like you maybe don't realise that you have it pretty good. By your own admission you mainly do morning routine and bedtime routine and the rest of the time your partner is around or you have childcare. Also one full day a week to yourself is a lot! My dh and I give each other a morning each at the weekend. A whole day is a one off type thing. Also, on the days you're working while away, isn't your partner solo caring for your child? So he does it for you and you do it for him, is that right? If yes, that seems fair.

The only thing you've written that I can empathise with is the packing for going away. It's a pain and it doesn't stop there as you have to unpack and so all the laundry on your return too. Only a couple of solutions to that though - your partner either does it too (take turns?) or you go away less frequently?

I find it difficult to understand when people can't manage to look after their own children for a few days. I don't think yabu about the trips because it sounds like all the mental load falls to you and he just has a nice trip and time with dd with none of the background stress. Holidays with small kids is just the same shit in a different location.