Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

It does sound like your sister's reaction is more to do with her own life struggles than your expressions of stress and unhappiness, and from a surface point of view maybe it seems to her that you have it easy. But you don’t. You don’t find it easy. We’re all different and what other people cope with is just different to what you can cope with. I always feel sympathy for celebrities with mental health issues because somehow being famous or wealthy seems to often mean you should just be completely grateful and nothing else is allowed or you’re being lazy/selfish/a spoilt brat. No, you are not being a brat, you’re being human.
If you can look at what you and your partner have chosen to set up in your lives - the trips away, the childcare responsibilities balance etc etc - and see what you can change to make it feel better/fairer, that might help. You presumably aren’t helpless in this situation, and it sounds like your partner doesn’t know or quite realise how much you don’t enjoy going away so often. It IS a lot more work, unsettling and you sound overwhelmed. Personally I need quiet, pottering about time and space to do nothing. It’s valuable doing nothing in particular at home, especially when you’re a parent, to have some space and freedom. Maybe you both need to talk openly and be clearer with each other about how you’re really feeling? Think long and hard about what you both want, and start with a change that will help you feel less overwhelmed?

Good grief! Loads of parents do it all every day! You must have been living under a rock not to know this!

I don’t think you realise how good your situation is compared to so many other mums, possibly even the majority of mums. I see why your sister reacted that way.

Do you really want your child at all? You chose to have a child and now that you have her she must be your priority. So you don’t get much time for yourself? Parents don’t. End of. My daughter has a difficult child with ADHD and twins, one of whom has cerebral palsy. She has to fit in numerous appointments for physio, and treatment AND she works. Unsurprisingly she is tired, but she never moans. Think yourself lucky and don’t have any more children.

OP, I think it's always fair to talk about things you feel a bit stressed about, whether or not anyone else has it harder.

However, your life is pretty good.

It is hard when your partner travels and gets a block of time in a way that many parents don;t - it feels unfair. My kids' father used to be away at sea for three month stretches, and I did sometimes wish I could get a similar block of time with no responsibilities. And he couldn't take on a lot extra when home as he was expected to be in the office.

But that is just what it is like when one person travels for work. One day a week to yourself is not at all unusual for a parent of a three year old, it seems to me your partner is absolutely stepping up with that.

Two concrete suggestions - if you are starting to find travelling together stressful, let him know. These things change as your child is differernt ages, what was great with an infant might not be with a toddler. Find another way to spend time together.

Also - if you would like a little holiday, say you would like to do this, get him to book a mini-vacation for himself to be home with the little one, and go off to a spa or something for a few days. Make it a yearly thing.

And one more - with a three year old, "taking it slow" probably doesn't matter much, unless you actually think things won't work out. Just start to move forward. Lots of successful couples get serious after six months or a year. Waiting longer is not going to reveal anything new.

You sound like hard work!#teamSister

I don't understand why people are focusing so much on how much more privileged OP is compared to them. Why aren't hey focusing on how much more privileged her partner is compared to her? Just because women tend to take on the brunt of parenting and domestic labour doesn't make that ok. She doing solo bedtimes 4 nights a week and by the sound of it catching up on housework on her 'day off' that people are so jealous of. It sounds like your sister is jealous OP and I wouldn't offload to her any more. I think a lot of posters on this thread are jealous too. I would not want your set up because I'd hate for my partner to be away each and every week. And as for the whole looking after your daughter 3 days a week and people saying that means you can't like your daughter, 3 year olds are hard, I found it hard and it's ok to find it hard. 2 days in a row was the point at which at that age I needed a break and if I didn't get one I started to struggle. That doesn't make me a bad parent it means that people aren't supposed to parent alone for long periods of time. Just because women are expected to and do look after their kids solo for indeterminate lengths of time doesn't make it the expected or perfect set up because it isn't. It's ok for people to find stuff hard even if they have some privilege in their life.

I am!!

Grow up and deal with it.

Oh wow!!! I’ve got an almost 2 and a half year old and almost 8 month old. I’m with them 98% of the time. Every single day, every breakfast lunch and dinner! No full days off for me not even a lie in. No owned property or partner paying for the majority of things for me. You absolutely are being unreasonable

Does your DC have anything wrong with them? Struggling to work out how it’s a struggle to look after a 3 year old by yourself?

Erm, parents don’t get time to themselves. Especially when kids are young. It’s a fact and one of the hardest things about becoming a parent. Haven’t you seen the memes about a parent’s weekend? (Clearing up, park visit, arts and crafts, doing the washing, birthday parties, tantrums and then you’re back at work?) welcome to parenthood!

I would love one day a week to myself!! But why can’t DP take the time off at home and just do local activities?

You need to grow up. You have a child, you don't get free time...You sister is right...

What is your sister’s life like?

Erm single/lone parent here. I'm doing it all on my own all day, every day, 365 days a year! The odd day here & there she'll stay the night at my sister's. Orher than that it's ALL on me. Please get a reality check!

Don’t you get a break when your DD is in bed and when she naps. I get that some days can be full on but she’s your daughter, enjoy her, she won’t be young for ever. Plan things to do with her on the days you have her on your own, but keep it low key and flexible. I was always on my own with my child right from the start and never had any breaks. It was hard at times but I loved it. To be honest I don’t understand what you’re finding stressful about it - could you elaborate (sorry if you have already - I haven’t had time to rtft)

What do you think single parents do? Put them in a cupboard and take them out when they feel like it! My kids dad turned his back and we never saw him again, unsupportive mother/family, I was completely alone. You know what, you just get on and deal with it! 24/7 never got a break for 20 odd years

But you're not doing it all week, are you?

What hours is she in nursery? Every day? And you dont do it on a Sat or Sun either...

That must've been so incredibly tough for you......but that doesn't mean that other people cant sometimes have a moan
...it's human nature. I don't think she's saying she's got it harder than anyone else.....I think she knows she's got it easy in some ways..... she's just having a good ol' moan which is necessary for pretty much everyone that has kids...regardless of circumstances. It shouldn't be a competition about who's got it harder lol.

I know single parents who have loads of family, sisters, mums, cousins and friends to support them ..... and other people who have unsupportive husbands and few family around and even less friends so it doesn't always stand to reason that single parents have it harder. Im not saying that's you, just pointing out that there are all sorts of different scenarios

Talk about first world problems....🙄

Why not enjoy the time with your child.doing stuff together and visiting places.make memories you will never get the time back.you say you have been away four times this year “and it’s on me to pack” there are only three of you.what I would give to go away four times a year,I would be happy to pack.your husband gives you a grand a month,and you seem the most miserable person.

Surely the upside of all these holidays is there’s no housework or cooking, yes it can be hard work being away with children but you can pop into a cafe for lunch, paid for by her father, find a playground and a coffee, go to the aquarium or whatever kid friendly activities there are in the place you are visiting.

I have been able to afford one holiday in the last 8 years with my DS, none for myself, it was a road trip, staying in various caravan parks over ten nights. Last summer holidays, I still couldn’t afford a holiday so stayed home and treated us to takeaway dinners for a few days a week, that was my respite from parenting as I work full time, have no family here (live abroad and single parent) and was completely exhausted.

i understand the exhausting feeling of being the only parent, constantly entertaining and being engaged with your child, but at 3, they are pretty easy to entertain.

if you travel so frequently, surely packing is easy, she isn’t a baby, so just needs clothes and a few small toys.

I could be wrong but reading OP posts it sounds as if her DD is an inconvenience,.why have a child then, was it just to keep a wealthy man.

MOST PARENTS ARE DOING IT ALL WEEK MA. WE DO IT ALL WEEK MA.
As a mom to a toddler and baby, I'll tell you It's okay to feel frustrated, it's very okay to feel tired.
It's okay to want to rant, but to be honest, you're very privileged, appreciate the privilege and enjoy the stressful days, kids grow really fast, your LO will not always depend on you like this, so savour the moments. That's what I tell myself.
And before you rant to people around you next time, try and rant to your diary or AI😂🤣 the response will amuse you and make you evaluate your frustrations again and language it better should you need to share with someone.

Many people are struggling, many want the life you have, they can't say it. So when you go to them to rant, they will most likely feel you're mocking them. Just deal with wisdom.

Take some hugs

Wait until your child is in school and has a block of 6 weeks' holidays - all day every day together unless you sort childcare! Honestly, most parents of young kids barely get to manage a couple of hours for themselves per weekend, so a whole day is a gift!