Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

Well, dont go then.
Problem solved.

I look after my 1 year all weekdays and nights (partner works away Monday - Thursday), then we co-parent at the weekend. A day to yourself every week is serious luxury!
Try to use half of your day off to do something for yourself (whenever I have a spare hour I soak in the bath and read jilly cooper lol), rather than tidying up/sorting all day.

A PP touched on it, I am also interested in how you feel about your relationship. It does sound somewhat utilitarian and transactional. If you feel emotionally unfulfilled, it's going to influence how you feel about everything else. If you and your DP are just ticking family life boxes, but there's no fun, or spontaneity because of all the careful structure in play, no matter how great the "privilege" you appear to have, things will feel hollow, unsatisfying and irritating. A gilded cage is still a cage.

You are fortunate yes. But that doesn’t mean you can’t question anything at all, you are still entitled to voice your opinion if you are unhappy about something. Him giving you money doesn’t exonerate him from criticism

Of course they are.

Or do you imagine that everyone has nannies?

Also, your sister could simply be a little envious of you. Nothing wrong with that but it might account for her comments

But you're not either, are you?

I'm not wishing to be rude, but you've said yourself your week is broken up by her going to nursery and her Dad being there, yet you're acting as those you're a full time SAHP.

Most mums I know do not have a day to themselves each week. A few hours at most, maybe. You really don't have it that hard.

This might surprize you - but yes they are. I was WFH had two kids under 5 and did the vast majority of the childcare - never had a "free day" ever..... and I was married!

I feel like it's not unfair to point our you are doing the lion's share for your child and that it would feel like more of a break with DP there to share the load, when they are small. Also I think your sister overreacted to a light hearted comment, which says a lot.

Sorry but a lot of parents do not get time to themselves. Except when they are at work!

Your sister has a point, I'm afraid!

I run two small businesses, AND home educate my children, so I'm with them full-time. I have never had a day off. Ever. Oh wait, apart from the 2 days I ended up in hospital having emergency surgery.

I LOVE being with my children, sure the early days were hard, especially as my DH worked away 5 days per week so was only home weekends, but it does get easier as they get older and a bit more independent.

I'm not sure on your sister's circumstances, but perhaps you were being a tad tone deaf, both to her, and many of us on here who do a lot more than you and don't moan about it!

I do think the high frequency of trips is too much, surely 3 nice trips a year would be more relaxing and enjoyable?

More fool you. Not everyone puts themselves in that situation or has useless partners who don't help with the kids. I was always the higher earner and DP had to do his share, and I always had at least some time to myself, at least as much as DP did.

All the martyrs on this thread.

Are we supposed to envy or pity you?

YANBU - I hate this attitude that many people and many replies on this thread have that feeling fed up or anxious or stressed is a competition. You have a right to feel fed up, without it being compared to others or being told your feelings are invalid because there are people worse off. And your sister (IMO) should be the person you can have a whinge to without being judged! Me and my sister always have a good whinge to each other and it makes us feel a lot better!

Reminds me of a tiktoker I know who is a SAHM with lots of money and a lovely house and farm. I was slightly envious but I have lost that when she says her husband loves to work and they only see him for a few hours a week. No thanks!

To be fair you could have put them in school. Made your life easier.

Three days looking after your own child "feels like a lot"! 😂😂 You get a whole day to yourself once a week!! What do you think most parents do?? I assume you're very young or very spoilt? Your sister is correct

This. I don’t know if any parent who gets a day to themselves. Maybe they exist somewhere?

We always worked opposite days/shifts, so you were either at work or had the kids. No family or help. It was a tag in/out the door situation and if both of us were home at the same time, one would have been asleep as on night shifts, often pulled doubles etc so never the luxury of two parents looking after the kids together at the same time, or someone having a day off to go somewhere and gaze at their navel! Your situation sounds like luxury, yet you feel it’s a lot of work???

Erm, yes they are! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 your sister is right. Reality check for you.

You are both right in a way. The thing is, you have it much easier compared to many, but it's still not 'easy'. Any parent struggles whether working or not, it's bloody difficult raising a 3 yr old. So it's ok to let off a bit of steam once in a while but not going on about it. I suspect you touched a nerve. It's probably best not to complain to your sister about it again.

My dh is obsessed with holidays and while they can be enjoyable I find the packing and organising very stressful. I hate travelling by plane and i really hate the heat. But I am going on 3 flying holidays this year, one was long haul at Easter and one to a very hot part of Europe in a few weeks. I'm absolutely dreading it. Generally I get little sympathy for my struggles! So I say nothing, and people say you are so lucky to be off again and I just nod and smile. I secretly envy them going for a few days somewhere local but people find it hard to understand that others like different things.

I do think sisters should listen to each others’ moans without kicking off, though it’s allowed to be a bit ‘mm yes’ about it. Is she having a tough time?

Tbh you have a 3 year old, you’re working ?full time and everybody in that situation is stressed so YANBU. I got pregnant 4 weeks after meeting Dh so I get what you mean about the slight feeling that you’re on probation for a long time, or on the back foot.

You're fine to voice your frustrations and your sister is fine to be pissed off - I imagine that this conversation was the straw that broke the camels back.
Although you don't see it (because you only know your own experience), you are in an incredibly fortunate position. I know many women who have had a child early in a relationship - most of the men scarpered and they can't even get a fiver off them for nappies never mind being give spending money and having all nursery fees covered. Maybe try seeing your life from another's point of view - is your sister herself struggling?
Maybe you need to have a conversation about long term plans as your posts indicate that you aren't happy with the current set up.

I'm not complaining! I love my life!

But actually, school wouldn't have made my life easier, as we live in England (but not English), and we travel a fair bit back to home country, plus one child is an athlete so we're away a lot for that. Juggling school would never have worked and would have been very stressful, thanks to the English schools fining parents etc.

So, no, home education is definitely the right choice for our lifestyle!

Pp are being harsh imo.

Your set up shows that having money doesn't solve every problem.

But I think you'll find you're perfectly capable of looking after your dd for 3 days on your own, you just haven't ever done it to know your can.
How does your dp feel about looking after dd when you're working?

It might be better to have less frequent time away, or an actual proper holiday where neither of you have to work.

This 👏

Well you made your choice so don't really complain about having to balance it all?