Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

Can I ask why did you have a child? What did you think would happen? We can't dip in & out when it suits, it sounds to me like your DC is an inconvenience tbh.

I'm married with 2 DS (9 & 6) and a SD (14 who lives full with us), I do the majority of the "parent stuff" with all 3 of them..... yes it's draining and stressful at times but that's my "job" as their mum. DH also does his fair share of it all too. We're off on holiday for 2 weeks next week with all 3 and there will be no days off for me. I will be mumming as I do at home but I will be in the sun with no stress of cooking & cleaning or working as with my DH but we don't just get to switch off from our responsibilities as parents!

So yes, I think you are being a brat and totally unreasonable.... as your post states he gives you £1k a month plus pays for childcare, if it wasn't for DP funding much of your lifestyle you wouldn't be in the position your in at all plus it sounds like it's you who doesn't want to fully commit to DP so he is left funding you, DC & having to shell out rent on another property.

I think you're spoilt & totally disjointed from reality.

I'd have told you to STFU too.

It reeks of "my diamond shoes are too tight" and people tend to have limited sympathy for things like this.

Tell your DP you don't want as many trips.

The 3 day thing is weird? You've never had your DC for 3 days in a row before? And your DP is away most of the time?

I’m going to go against the grain here and say no, I don’t think you were being unreasonable. Just because your life might be easier in some ways than other people’s, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel overwhelmed. Everyone’s limits and circumstances are different, and support in one area doesn’t cancel out stress in another. Not having financial worries doesn’t mean you can’t vent about what is hard.

Raising a toddler is exhausting, even in the best of circumstances. You were sharing how you felt, not attacking anyone else’s situation.

That said, I don’t think your sister was completely out of line either. It can be hard to hear someone complain when you’re feeling maxed out yourself. Sometimes it’s about reading the room, and unfortunately, not everyone is in the right headspace to hear it in that moment.

Still, I get why you’re hurt. It’s tough when someone you trust shuts you down instead of offering a bit of empathy. You’re allowed to feel frustrated and you deserve to have space to talk about it.

Out of curiosity what is your sisters situation like in conparison to yours?

I'm with your sister here. You have landed on your feet

If you don't want
to go on the trips then don't go, it you should be counting your blessings

I'm with your sister here. You have landed on your feet

If you don't want
to go on the trips then don't go, but you should be counting your blessings

What, caring for their kids? I would argue most parents only get time off from their kids when they're at work! It just seems odd to say you do all the childcare but you think three days of it is too much to handle.

And most people don't get lots of days to do their own thing. Even if you don't have kids, there's something that needs to be done for someone else at least once a day!

Nah, I think she's right. You just don't like hearing it. Stop all the trips if you don't want to go.

this is so weird. Most people would cherish the opportunity to spend some real quality time with their child esp when they do not have the opportunity for that frequently.

It is also absolutely not normal to only do mornings and bedtimes with their 3 year old when the live with you. Do you not like spending time with your child?

And yes, you sound like a spoilt pampered brat! Sorry

I get it OP, did a holiday where my partner worked some of the days and it wasn't great, we wouldn't do it again. Ultimately you want to spend more time with your partner and that's totally understandable. Maybe dial back on the trips and try and make some time to be at home and spend time together? Also 3 is a tricky age, it does get a lot easier!

Sometimes words fail me. You get 1 family day 1 free day and full time nursery fees paid for and you struggle to look after your child for 3 days???
You sound like a spoiled petulant princess

Who are these 'most people'? 👀

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Stop comparing yourself to others and see the positives in your situation.

You feel how you feel and that's ok. That's valid. But hopefully this thread will have demonstrated how privileged you are in your situation. You need to be more mindful when you choose who to vent to, being empathetic of their struggles and stresses (because they will have them, they'll just be different to yours).

It doesn't sound like you and your sister are in similar positions, so it might be a bit tasteless to moan/vent to her about yours. Perhaps money is tight for her, or she is longing for a trip to spend 3 solid days with her kids on a holiday but can't for whatever reason.

Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel.

Who are these 'most people'? 👀

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Stop comparing yourself to others and see the positives in your situation.

You feel how you feel and that's ok. That's valid. But hopefully this thread will have demonstrated how privileged you are in your situation. You need to be more mindful when you choose who to vent to, being empathetic of their struggles and stresses (because they will have them, they'll just be different to yours).

It doesn't sound like you and your sister are in similar positions, so it might be a bit tasteless to moan/vent to her about yours. Perhaps money is tight for her, or she is longing for a trip to spend 3 solid days with her kids on a holiday but can't for whatever reason.

Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel.

Your sister is ridiculous to have fallen out with you over this. But you need to chin-up a bit, and it would be nice if your DP had taken off a couple of extra days. I think a lot of posters are missing that you're on your own four nights a week, and now you're on holiday but your usual routine is different (read: more stressful).

I hope you have a great time. Maybe pack for you and your child, and nothing of your DPs 😆

It is hard and I don’t think humans evolved bringing up children this way. We are herd animals and I can totally understand why it feels difficult and maybe lonely for you to be doing most of the child rearing totally on your own. Without idealising any other place or time, I think an isolated woman with an infant (no aunties, grannies, cousins, close neighbours around regularly helping) is a very odd situation in terms of our evolution, though we take it for granted now and accuse women who struggle with this of being somehow lacking.

For now, cut back on the trips to ease the pressure of moving your household twice a month, and maybe suggest you leave your little one with a trusted relative for a few days and go just you and your DP so you can relax and reconnect. It sounds like you need a decent break, a sleep in etc. The change from no children to one is huge and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Yes, your life might be easier in some ways to many of the scolds on here, but we all have our own challenges as mums and I’m sorry that your sister can’t muster any empathy. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Just that you are weary and a little nostalgic for your pre child life. Your life has been turned upside down while your DPs has hardly changed at all. You deserve some understanding.

Most people get time to themselves? Which people are these? No parent that I know gets time to themselves regularly. You get a whole day every week!

I can’t believe you’re dreading spending 3 days with your daughter in Norfolk. It sounds brilliant to me. Go to the beach, boat trip to see the seals, fish and chips, ice creams, crabbing. The options are endless. Don’t you like your daughter?

Yes, it’s tiring not having much time for yourself, but I think she’s probably getting frustrated with you because so many people have it harder than you, probably including her, and she’s fed up with listening to you complaining about a life that is so much easier than hers. And that doesn’t mean she’s jealous of what you have. It means that she thinks you need to start counting your blessings and being thankful for having a day to yourself each week, and a partner who is financially supportive rather than one who thinks he doesn’t need to contribute because he’s only there 3 days a week.

It’s not a race to the bottom, of course, but whining about only having one free day a week, having to care for one child several days a week and having to go on too many holidays to someone who probably struggles to have a bath in peace, is pretty tone deaf. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to hear it anymore.

And you can’t have it both ways. If you want your DD to have lovely things and you want regular holidays and you want to buy a house together next year, then someone has to pay for that and you won’t be doing it all on just your salary.

You are way out of whack. No, most parents of 3 year olds do not "get time to themselves."

You have only one child, you are in an excellent position financially, you get a dedicated day to yourself each week, you have childcare paid for and you are taken away on trips where you only have to buy the odd coffee.

Most of us would kill for that level of ease.

Looking after your own child for three days is not suffering. I'm honestly gobsmacked you can think it is.

(This isn't a race to the bottom, btw, it's wanting someone to realise how very privileged they are)

I am confused as in one post you are saying you only do mornings and bedtimes and then another you are saying you do it all so which is it?

Tbh what you're describing would do my head in.

Why can't you both take the full week off and spend time at home with a couple of outings? Just enjoy the home you both work for and fully with the bairn? Have a laugh and get an ice-cream and a takeaway on an evening or something?

I think that this level of stress over what are, objectively speaking, really not big deals is not (or want of a better word) 'normal' and I think you should rule out something else going on.

Packing - not a big deal
Taking care of your child - not a big deal

If normal things in what is actually a very good life - good money, day to yourself every week, lots of breaks and holidays - are big deals to you and stressful to you then I think maybe you should consider whether you have depression or an anxiety issue or similar.

I’m baffled by your entire setup OP. Having a child together isn’t taking it slow. I’d be stressed out by the confusing all over the place setup that is your life and think maybe you need to figure out if you’re both in or out of this pseudo relationship/marriage. Your sister obviously doesn’t have the financial security, support and free time that you do and got frustrated that you had the nerve to complain when she’d kill for what you have. Don’t be mad just try to be a bit less tone deaf when spending time with her.

and she should pack for her partner too? Why, exactly?

Why do you have so many trips?

Why can’t DP just come home and spend quality time together as a family?

Do less trips - you’ll be less stressed because you’re not having to pack etc and you’ll get more ‘you’ time because DP will be home to do more than parenting.

Your life sounds like an absolute dream to most of us and I can see why your sister snapped at you moaning.

But I think you are resentful that your DP gets to basically act childless and single for most of the year, which I get.

I think it’s less about you having to spend 3 days with your child and more about the fact that their dad never has to do this.

Some people may think that he’s the one planning these trips so regularly so he doesn’t have to parent as much.

I would definitely reduce the amount of trips you do right now and see if that helps.

I'm not sure why people are being dicks either. You're the default parent who also works and your bloke swans off whenever, gets out of the childcare and expects you to pack for regular trips away.

Fuck that for a lark.

Pretty much!