Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

This

I assure you OP, most mums don’t get time to themselves. I live with DH, we have two children, we both work and have a dog. Unless you count my commute to work as time to myself, then I am never alone, and something always needs doing.

I think perhaps you need to adjust your expectations of adult life.

And yes. Yes they are. Who do you think does it for them 🤣

My DP and I have two young kids and 2 dogs (our choice of course). An average Monday - Friday we get 9pm - 10pm to ourselves. The rest of the time we are either working, sorting kids or sorting the house. Once every 2-3 weeks one of us will have a night out with friends.

The kids both have activities at the weekend (think swimming, gym, sports clubs etc) so we usually spend most weekends taking a child each to activities and then having either a morning or afternoon as a family.

I can assure you we do not get time to ourselves! We are lucky to have 3 sets of grandparents locally so they have the kids now and again and we get to have a date night or day out together but you do seem to have a lot of time to yourself and trips away for someone with a young child.

This thread would make a great contraception. Who would have kids - it sounds like a total misery - why do we do it?

A lot are - my DH is a chef, I’m solo parenting every weekend! He gets 2 days off during the week where he looks after our toddler & I’m working. A full day to myself a week with no work or childcare sounds blissful!!

Look, parenting is hard. Solo parenting is harder - but the balance you have here means he can provide more financially, with you taking on more of the childcare.

Take less trips if it’s causing stress (I don’t know any mums who successfully delegate the packing!) and see there’s money to pay for a cleaner to ease your load.

I know comparison is the thief of joy but jeez I would’ve loved your lifestyle. I was a sahm mum to 3 including 1 severely disabled. I’m now retired but they’re still living at home which I wouldn’t change but when is it I get time to myself please ?! Luckily after 34 years (?!) we finally have a wonderful respite carer, so hopefully soon !

This - OP This is the most selfish self centre post l read for a long time, totally ungrateful brat

How do you cope!!!!