Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

I agree with your sister. Your are being financially subsidised and seem to have a pleasant easy life which you couldn't afford on your own and you're still feeling hard done by. YABU.

I can see your sisters point, but I don’t think the problem is that you can’t moan to her any more.

I think your set up in general sounds fair and like you have things pretty good.

The problem is that you’re going on very frequent holidays that you don’t enjoy and where you end up being alone for 3 days in a row with your 3 year old in an unfamiliar place with no friends and none of your usual activities etc. I think most parents would find that annoying and a bit of a strain. So the question is, why do many trips? Why are you going for a whole week when you have to take turns working while you’re there? What is the point of the trips?

Why not go away for long weekends instead and both take the Friday off, then it’s proper time for you all together?

And most importantly, why does your partner decide what’s happening with trips and you get no say, while you’re the one doing all the prep work?

OP, your sister doesn't want to listen to you, so take that on board.

Of course it is a huge change and you are the one whose life has changed dramatically....as is ALWAYS the case in situations like yours.

Well done for being careful about your housing and not rushing into giving up your security.

Reduce these trips to when HE can be around full-time.

Maybe think about therapy to work out where your head is at.

Having children is hard.
I cannot imagine how hard when unplanned.

You are doing great.
Mind yourself.

This! When do you think other parents get 'me' time when they're working all week and have children to look after on weekends??

I raised 3 DCs on my own and never had a day off, with no CM or other salary coming in. There are numerous women in the same boat doing 100% of the work in and outside the home, and paying for it all who can barely afford one break away each year. You really need to count your blessings.

But you're not though, are you. You just said looking after your DD was broken up by nursery and DP being there.

I agree you sound very young and/or spoilt and/or naive. What did you think parenting would be like?

Rather than getting side-tracked with the specifics, I think a pp nailed it when they said it doesn't sound like you take much control or responsibility over your own life, OP.

The way you describe events as if they just happened to you, rather than being the consequences of your own choices, does sound a little bit bratty, and probably does annoy your sister.

It reminds me a bit of the way my sister used to talk (and sometimes still does)—she also got pregnant young and very quickly into a relationship, and used to talk about it as if it was some awful trauma that had been imposed on her by a cruel fate. I have no doubt it was difficult and traumatic, but it didn't just happen.

There would be nothing wrong with saying to your partner that you would prefer fewer trips, but ones where both of you are taking leave for the duration of the trip. He should not be making unilateral decisions about holidays, even if he is paying.

Be careful about who you "have a moan" to. I might have had a moan to a friend after a difficult week with my 3 year old, but I would probably have avoided that being a friend with multiple children, or a less involved husband, or someone working longer hours or with less childcare. A friend whose circumstances are similar may well be sympathetic - we all have times when parenthood gets on top of us - but anyone who perceives you as having an easier ride may just see you as being unreasonable.

Have to say your partner sounds amazing.

Err yes?! I was a SAHM. In the early days my husband left for work around 5/6am and got home around 6/7pm. I still did bedtimes and got up in the night because he had to be up for work and a long commute. Mine didn’t go to nursery until age 4 when I had a second child. I managed because I had to. You do come across a little resentful that you actually have to spend more than minimal time with your daughter.
Regarding the trips, just have less if you’re finding them too stressful. You can put your foot down and tell your partner no.

Three days looking after YOUR OWN CHILD (!!!) should not be stressful. I see this attitude a fair bit on here. What is the world coming to. I despair.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months

You can't keep using DD's "unsettled initial months" as a reason why you are feeling stressed given this was 3 years ago!

I agree it sounds like you have a pretty cushy life and your sister is probably sick of you complaining about taking care of 1 child who spends some of the week in nursery.

I agree with this, these trips sound like a lot of hard work. Have less trips and take proper holidays where you can both take time off work.

Also to add, yes you can’t share your frustrations with you sister any more if you’re not going to do anything about them. Listening to someone with a relatively easy life repeatedly moaning about the same things is very wearing.

Just talk to your partner, tell him you don’t enjoy going on trips when he has to work part of the time, and you don’t want to do it any more. Then you won’t have anything to moan about.

Basically, if there’s something in your life that you don’t like, change it instead of complaining about it. And if you can’t change it, find a way to make peace with it. These slightly odd holidays are optional and definitely something you can change.

Parenting is often a hard slog. It's hard for you, and for most other parents. You had a big upheaval having your DD so soon in a new relationship, but now you've got the realities of parenting. If he pays for almost everything and takes DD out for a whole day every week then I think you've not got it too bad. Do you have friends with small dch you can socialise with when DD isn't at nursery?

I get what you mean. When mine were little I found it stressful looking after them away from home (I.e. on holiday or at staying with family), as it was the same shit but without all that stuff that makes it easier (I.e baby equipment, toys, safety proofed house etc).

I think the answer is to go on less trips. You both have valid points - something doesn’t have to be an actual hardship to feel stressful. A privilege at the wrong time of life can feel like struggle.

Mines home for 2 nights a week. When our son was born he was home for 2 nights every fortnight. I didn’t struggle, it wasn’t ’awful’ and I wasn’t only having to look after him 3 days a week either.

OP, I think your sister is right. It does sound like you have it very easy. I’m sorry but packing for some trips away and looking after your kid while being in a very privileged financial position with your partner, is hardly difficult. I get we all like a moan about nothing at times but check yourself.

Erm... yes?

Lol my husband works long hours so I do all childcare, housework, and work. I never have a day to myself - maybe a couple of hours once every few months to get my hair done. Oh I also have 2 children who are deemed high maintenance by friends! Please appreciate your life and don't add another child if your are stressed by your current situation.

Sounds terrible 🙄

Practice gratitude
You have so many privileges
Recommend spending your day off volunteering at a food bank.

Enjoy your child she will be at school before you know it.

The thing is, you've chosen to bear the brunt of parenting by going it alone, so it will grind you down on occasion.
I think the heat is getting to a lot of people.
I think your sister was being a tad harsh, but it does sound as though you have a pretty good set up, tbh.

Look vipers I know it's AIBU and all that but have a heart. Even mum's who planned babies and kids often have a rude awakening at the reality of it. The role change and demands are real. Mums get overwhelmed and stressed all over this site...The op had an unplanned baby in a new relationship, she isn't ok (clearly) and is a bit bruised by her support (sis) telling her to get a grip. Whilst we might slightly agree knocking her whilst she's feeling fragile is not likely to help is it.
Op parenting is hard, it just is, free time is often very scarce because children are a 24/7 kind of gig....You don't need to add stress by all these trips though ....

You are delulu. Yes most mothers especially do the vast majority of childcare. A lot work full time and run the household and organise the kids and parties/holidays/friends birthdays/school needs/homework/extracurriculars. Dads do help and some more than others but the above model is not a rarity. Men tend to be the higher earners and as such work longer hours and travel
included. Hoping your daughter doesn’t feel like she is a burden to you. Your sister is measured in her response to you.

Your sister was right to give you a reality check many people would be content to be in your position. Sometimes its just who you have a moan to I resent a friend who works part time complaining how stressed/tired she is when her partner contributes financially, housework and childcare plus 2 sets of local involved grandchildren whereas I'm a single parent with no local family. When she moans I think I'd just be happy not to have to make every single decision, from the big things to what's for dinner every day