Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

Most people 'taking it slow' don't have a child with their partner. What did you envisage your life being like?

Do you normally have a direct relationship with your sister? If so then I don’t think she’s unreasonable, that’s one of the aspects of family A that you can speak openly with them and be spoken back openly with their opinion in return.

say no to trip if you don’t want to go. One day a week is more than many people have, and if you don’t have money worries then you’re incredibly fortunate. Neither of these things will change how you feel about being stressed, but having some perspective of how fortunate you are would help…I’m not surprised your sister said that to you

Can you explain more about your relationship with DP and the plan longer term? The way you describe it sounds like a co-parenting family (with a largely absent father) rather than a tight family unit. Plenty of families have a parent who works away a lot (and this has its challenges) but it sounds like your arrangement is a bit looser than that. Is that right?

I agree with PPs that going away so much sounds very stressful. I wouldn't enjoy that.

On the immediate issue, I think it depends on your sister's situation. If her life is more financially precarious then I think you've been insensitive. You can apologise and find another friend to moan to (we're all allowed to have a moan!). It sounds like you'd get more sympathy from people who understand your particular dynamic - financially secure but time and support poor.

I can see why your sister feels that way as in all honesty OP you are luckier than most I.e. he pays for majority of trips which you go on every couple of months, pays all nursery fees and gives you about a grand a month too ontop of you wage and you both own 2 houses between you at least. I think if someone complained to me their partner didn't take the whole week off when they got all that I'd be seething in the moment. However you aren't wrong to want some quality time, I'd maybe take fewer trips but ask then when you do go on the trips he takes the entire time off to spend quality time together. I think for majority Yabu as he is shouldering majority of the financial burden so makes sense you'd be shouldering majority of the childcare burden. If you'd prefer things to be more equal (i.e. 50/50 both financial and childcare) then you need to speak to your partner about changing that.

Btw for comparison. I wfh part time. I get up and get the kids ready for school and do drop off, wfh and then the minute I finish I do pick up at 3pm and then am on my own with them until dh gets home around 6.45pm. Then we're both around for dinner and then I usually do bedtimes (the kids prefer me putting them to bed). At weekends I'm looking after them solo for a morning and the rest of the time with dh and get a morning to myself.

I think your sister is a brat and selfish and not much of a sister invalidating what annoys you or how you feel. She’s clearly jealous.
What annoys you …annoys you.

because you have a good life one which she would obviously like doesn’t mean it’s without its doubts/problems/molehills
what she could have said would have been- what is stressing you about it. (find cause) then either talked about it with you or helped you.
for instance, your stuck for ideas on how to occupy DD, look for parks, activities, bring colours & pages

she was a Dick!!!

Ernmm.... Yes quite a lot of people are doing it all week.
Look, I think you might benefit from taking to someone about this unexpected role change? Sound like having a baby when you did wasn't exactly the plan?
Lots of people these days don't grow up around babies and children and have no clue about the relentless reality of child rearing. Plus the mythologising of motherhood doesn't help. Popular culture and insta reals makes it look cute and lovely and special #makingmemories bullshit.
The truth is much less glamorous, emotionally and physically draining interspersed with amazing bits and intense love and frustration .All of which is normal, but if you didn't really do some digging prior to having a child possibly a bit of a shock. Read some books, find a counsellor or join some women's groups.... Find ways to get your head round and coping strategies that work for you.

You are objecting to / complaining about looking after your own child for 3 days - really ?
three days !!!

What about these parents whose husband / partner / boyfriend is employed in the military etc. and he is sent overseas for months at a time.

What about those parents that suddenly become single due to the husband / partner leaving ?!!!

and what about the women who become single parents overnight due to the death of their husband / partner / boyfriend...

three days !!!

be thankful and grateful you have a healthy child to look after by yourself for 3 days.

I was a sahm for 2.5 years. Had baby/toddler with me 24/7. So yes, some people do do it all the time. Bloody hell, don't have another child whatever you do 😂

My sister has never taken to looking after her kids and has employed a full time nanny who still works for her even though her kids are 21, 19 and 15. Yes really. The nanny has always also gone on every weekend away and holiday. My sister has also left the kids with the nanny for multiple work trips and solo holidays. Her husband doesn’t work for more context! Some people just aren’t cut out to be mothers. Stop agreeing to the trips or hire some full time preferably live in childcare if you want more time for yourself. Sounds like you can afford it. I love looking after my kid, even though he is disabled and I also work full time. My DH is also a high earner and is away a lot. Don’t worry about what others think and get yourself more help if you need it.

A full day off every week is a luxury most don’t have. I get that 3 days alone on childcare can feel daunting, I’ve felt it as I have a physically challenging little one and my own health issues, but - when we do a full 3 days it is amazing to have that bonding time and I love it. I now look forward to DP’s time away! Have some activities lined up so the days don’t feel too tough finding things to do. I have to say - your set up will seem privileged to the vast majority, but I understand that we all have our stresses. Maybe your sister has a tougher time of it and finds it hard to hear a moan about your set up when she perceives all the privileges.

Your sister’s got a point though there’s no need for her to be an arse about it. Unless you whinge a lot anyway! It does sound as if you’re in a lovely position and lots of people would be envious. Maybe your sister is going through a more difficult time but anyway, I hope you make up with her very soon.

Also - 3 is a tough age (in there with you!) so it will get easier

I know that it's not a race to the bottom but here's a bit of a reality check for you OP. I am a single mum (DP died) to a disabled daughter who will never be able to live independently so I am her full time carer.

I can't work, even part time, as she is frequently ill and I have to regularly cancel volunteering that I started doing with a view to trying to get at least part time work.

Despite all that I am not looking for sympathy and love DD and our lives together.

I think it seems harder when they are small but look at all the positives. You have a DP who loves you, a healthy DD and seem to have a nice life. Everyone feels sorry for themselves sometimes no matter their situation but I can see where your sister is coming from.

It's only human to feel as you do but at least you recognise that you are possibly being unreasonable.

I'm not sure I fully understnd your set up:

You work from home and your DD is in nursery. Your DP travels a lot so he is away 3 days a week. You therefore do the bulk of the day to day parenting , but he does take her out on the weekend. On that day do you get to do your own thing or are you doing the cleaning/batch cooking/chores etc?

But really, it sounds to me like this little trips aren't much fun. Neither of you completely take the time off and instead you're doing some kind of work swap to look after DD while on holiday. Plus there's the effort you have to make to pack and get ready - franly, I think most of us agree that holidays with 3 year olds are not exactly relaxing.

Wouldn't it make more sense to do fewer trips, perhaps you take the odd weekend away completely, you do more fun family things closer to home and then plan bigger trips just once or twice a year where you properly take the time off?

It sounds to me like while financially he's stepping up you are feeling like the rest is on you. That may or may not be fair, but I' dbe addressing those feelings myself.

My DH also travels a lot for work and in general just works really long hours. Our DC is in kindergarten part time, so a huge chunk of the childcare is done by me. I am a bit surprised you are so stressed over looking after your child for 3 days. Do you enjoy your time together?

If the frequent trips don't work for you, don't do them.
It sounds like you are not happy with your current set up, time to have an honest conversation with your DP.

I don’t think most working mothers (or to be fair sah mothers) of very young children do get much time to themselves to be honest. I would find a whole day a week to myself an absolute luxury. And most of us have to worry about money and don’t go on multiple holidays per year. You had a child and yes those first months are difficult. For perspective I also had a baby with someone I’d known only 5 months when I fell pregnant, he had no money to speak of an no stable job and when my child was born we had to take on his elder daughter with special needs full time because her mother couldn’t cope. Oh and to top it off I lost my home and we all had to move in with my parents for six months a few weeks before I gave birth. I had to work at five months full time to pay for everything. It actually turned out fine a few years later and we are married albeit still will money worries. So yes other people have it more stressful, which I appreciate isn’t your problem, but also we make our own beds and other people (e.g. your sister) get bored of us moaning sleeping in them! Things could be a lot worse.

I can relate to the packing stress. My husband things it's almost a pathological fear of mine. It's when we argue the most. Can you do anything to minimise the packing stress? Could you pack for several trips in one go for instance.. with a toilet bag and all essentials ready for each trip. You'd have to organise duplicates of toiletries and clothes, but if they were then already waiting for you might that help? I.e. buy toiletries/shorts/t-shirts/toys/pyjamas especially for the next holiday. Pack them any day you feel like it and grab and go when the next holiday trip comes up. Another area I find difficult is that my now 10 year old is neurodiverse and I didn't know it when she was 3, so I wonder if she's quite challenging to look after but you don't maybe understand that yet, have nothing to compare it to. I look back at myself with kindness and understanding that when she was 3 I was totally naive to how different and more of a challenge she was to "average". I'm guessing that's why she's hard to manage on holidays... because mine is. The disruption to routine and inability for her to operate to the usual rules and rituals totally stresses her out. Just my thoughts.. I might be totally off on a tangent. Good luck.

If you don’t like these trips then don’t go….that’s really an issue of your own making.
Whsts your sisters life like? Does she ever get a break? Is she worried about money etc? It sounds like she isn’t the person to moan to.
A whole day each week where your DP takes your DC out is pretty good to be honest and yeah a lot of us are in doing it all during the week without the financial security, trips or day a week without our DC.
Im not saying it’s not hard but you’ve got it better than most and the things you don’t like you could change

Oh get me my tiny violin! You'll do realise that most women out there dont get 4 holidays in 6 months, and don't get a grand pocket money every month, AND STILL HAVE TO HOLD DOWN A JOB AND COPE WITH A THREE YEAR OLD?

Heres me with 3 holidays in 5 years feeling I did well for myself to get those!

This is parenting when you're not at work you're looking after your children, most parents don't get a full day off a week to themselves and most also need to actually go into work/commute. You also have no financial concerns, childcare paid for, a decent salary plus an additional £1k a month. You are working remotely while you are away during which time you're partner will have her so why is it different that he does the same? You've had 4 trips already this year how lovely! I can see why you're sister has had enough of you moaning.

You're just rude. Looking after a child solo away from home is always more difficult.

I married my partner before having children with him but until very recently he worked 12hr shifts with the expectation of overtime. Even now he is often expected to do overtime at the weekends. I work all week and then often have my children all weekend by myself. That’s life sometimes, that’s being a parent.

Life is not a race to the bottom but to put your situation in perspective, you have it a hell of a lot better than pretty much every parent I know.

Why is she a brat? Is your partner only home 3 nights a week? It sounds awful.