Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

actually @T1002 "most" parents are doing it 24/7 52 weeks a year, it's what being a parent is, surely.

Your little one is at a lovely age (ime) and she goes to nursery, so it's not just one day a week, to yourself, really, especially if you don't work from home.

Wrt the packing, if it's just for you and your daughter, could you just keep a suitcase permanently packed?

That may alleviate some of your discombobulation.

You do seem to be in a relatively comfortable position tbh, I wonder what it is really that's making you so unhappy.

Do you feel more like a single parent, with your partner just swanning in and whisking you and your daughter away, but he does none of the daily grind and grunt work?

If so, an adult conversation with him should be had.

But think long and hard about what it is you actually want before broaching the subject.

You are so far removed. You are worried about 3 days with your daughter by yourself? SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER... some parents would treasure this 1 on 1 time. Most parents that work part time would have this set up every week... get a grip.

You have got quite a nice set up but I appreciate you’re feeling a bit stressed looking after DD for three days on you own.
Personally, I’d knock the frequent trips on the head and maybe book one or two holidays a year where you both take the whole week off to enjoy. You still have your Sunday family days for day trips or whatever.

I think you’re missing one key bit of perspective.

Very, very few parents of small children get any meaningful quantity of time to themselves. It’s often limited to the commuting time.

Yes, it’s daunting doing full time child stuff when you’re not used to it. The good thing is you get better at it with practise.

If you need it for balance, book the occasional half day before or after a trip to sort out holiday stuff and get some quiet time.

What are you talking about? I literally told you I'm NOT complaining!!!!!!!!! I also said I LOVE being with my children, and said I LOVE MY LIFE!! No idea how you think I'm complaining?!😂😂

It sounds like you have a nice life, good partner with normal stresses. I had a partner who worked away a lot and left our week away in Suffolk after three days to travel. It was unexpected but unavoidable according to him. I had two young children to entertain for four days but it was fine. Stressful returning home without satnav and a child who couldn’t read a map (this was before satnav was a thing). Enjoy your time away with your child 😊

If these trips stress you out to the point where you're moaning about parenting your child while you're away, then stop.

Don't forget to check if your diamond shoes are too tight before you pack them

You’re being a total brat. The only time most people “get to themselves” isn’t free time to choose what to do it’s just time away from children working.

I get that. Have a talk with your husband, explain how you feel. it is nice that he wants more time with you both but being at home together more often would be good.

Do you actually hear yourself? You get an extra £1,000 every month, your child’s nursery fees are paid, most of your trips are covered, and you still have a whole day every week completely to yourself. Yet you’re complaining about looking after your own child for three days on a trip someone else is mostly paying for. That’s not tough — that’s an incredibly easy situation compared to what most parents face.
Your sister was right to call you a brat. If spending three days caring for your own child feels overwhelming, you might want to seriously question what you expected parenthood to be.
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you honestly have so much that most people could only dream of. Maybe take a moment to recognise that.

Don’t have any more children, as your life is as easy as it’s ever going to be!

You will get more time to yourself soon enough. I am guessing school is next year? Having no money worries is what most people would love!

Exactly! I don’t anyone that gets one day to themselves EVERY week. That is just life with children

I think some posters are being quite harsh, not everyone is motherly and finds parenting a breeze.

You are allowed to feel stressed, you are allowed to find it difficult but I think your sister was right to give you a reality check. You are living (by the sounds of it) a lovely life but if there are aspects that are stressing you out or you are not happy with speak up.

I hate going on trips and 4x a year so far would be a huge no for me, even if they were paid for, compromise so you are both happy.

YABU.

You sound very lucky to be financially stable yourself and owning a home yet also having a partner who’s paying for a luxury lifestyle for you.

A lot of women would love to have a partner who values spending quality time together as a family and to top it off he wants to do this is beautiful places and pays for it!

Don't people know how to say 'no' anymore?

You are being a spoilt brat. I had 3 under 3 and my dh occasionally worked away for a week at a time. I loved it apart from taking them shopping but it wasn't often. I don't get the angst these days about looking after your own kids. We didn't much bother with equal time off we enjoyed being together.
My dh had what used to be called a nervous breakdown now that was hard to deal with.

I found the period between 18 months and 3 years the most difficult to cope with all my kids. They are very demanding and not really able to amuse themselves for long, so it feels pretty relentless. The constant mess is also really stressful. Your set-up is a bit unusual, but it sounds like it is your choice not to move in together until you have a joint property, and your boyfriend is contributing a lot financially, so it does seem pretty fair.

However, the trips away are becoming stressful and perhaps he has fallen into a pattern with this that you need to talk to him about. Time together away from home sounds like holiday for him, but additional stress for you, and perhaps he isn't taking that on board. Time for a proper discussion, preferably when you're at home together and not feeling too stressed. Just tell him that although you're very grateful to him for organising all these trips, you'd prefer to spend a bit more time at home as a family, doing things together and it doesn't always need to be a trip away.

For what it's worth, less than three years from meeting my husband, we were married with two kids, and we're still together 30-something years later. There's no set amount of time needed to make the decision whether someone is 'the one' for you. Stop beating yourself up about jumping in to making a family - it's completely OK!

I think you have a pretty good set up, but that doesn't mean you can;t feel stressed about things, everyone finds different things stressful. Just to reassure you there's plenty to do in Norfolk (assuming you drive ?)My kids grew up there, it's quite civilized !! Which part are you going to ?, maybe some MNers who are still local can recommend some good places to visit with a little one. .

Ok, going to go slightly against the grain here. I hear a lot these days about only been together '3 years' etc and not wanting to get tied in too soon. But you already are! You have a child together. I wonder if your stress is actually coming from the fact that you and your child are short on security? Is what you actually feel you need, if you dig down a bit into your feelings, the certainty of marriage, a shared property and an even split on the workload? Not £1k a month and trips away? Which lets face it, he could stop at any time. Something to think about. Maybe the trips are just highlighting a deeper feeling

It’s fair to assume that since you own your home, manage your bills, and had established your career before your relationship, you likely have a solid job ,one that just happens to be based at home. I think some people are overlooking the fact that your role still comes with its own demands. You’re working full-time while also handling the majority of the parenting responsibilities, which is a significant challenge. It’s a major adjustment, especially if you’re used to dedicating a large portion of yourself to your work and now have less time to do so , not to mention less time to decompress. That alone can be incredibly stressful.

Not everything needs to be a comparison. You’re allowed to feel stressed about your own life, just as your sister is entitled to her own stresses ,they’re not mutually exclusive. Even if she sees her situation as more difficult, that doesn’t justify the reaction you received from her.

It might help to separate the two issues: one being what’s going on with your sister that could be triggering such a strong response, and the other being what’s causing your own stress and what support or changes could help ease

People with easy children say this.

Could you drop a day at work and have a day to yourself in the week whilst DC is at nursery? I agree it must be a lot doing all weekday parenting by yourself (plenty of single parents do it of course but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still difficult for you).

I can only use my experience. It doesn't invalidate my opinion. Op hasn't said her dd is difficult and seeing as she only basically sees her in mornings and after nursery and her partner takes her all day Saturday by her own admittance. How hard can it be?

On you to pack!??! What a nightmare. There’s only three of you. Why is that such a big deal?