Boyfriend sharing hotel room for two nights with female "friend"

[Challenger2A7]

I'm 23, and my boyfriend of 3 years has just spent two nights in a London hotel with a woman he says is just a friend. They were going to a big concert together, and she's 44. I don't like this, and I didn't know about it until now. He says it was just to save money. The woman has been married for 20 years, but I don't know what her husband thinks, or if he even knows or cares, but AIBU to wonder if my boyfriend really thinks anything of me? I should add that they shared a twin-bedded room.

You don't really need our answers, trust your instinct. You deserve better regardless.

Aaah you sound like such a charmer, OP. We wonder why children are so utterly vile, these days with mouths like yours around.

Pathetic.

Met her in the gym, didn't tell you the arrangement beforehand, keeps his friendship with her separate from you, finds excuses for nights out with her and without you...all red flags. If you think men are only attracted to thin 20 year olds you have a very narrow view of the world. Curvaceous forty year old women who go to the gym are very much in demand.

You sound like a nice person.

Eww. You've got some growing up to do girly.

Pickmeishas is clearly a conflation of 'pickme' and 'geishas' to imply that these women are holding a set of attitudes for the purpose of entertaining/validating men.

I am a huge advocate of men and women being friends but absolutely no way would I be happy with this.

Also I would occasionally do things like this when I was young and claim it was totally platonic, and maybe I'd even think so, but as a full grown adult now I know it isn't. It's certainly a bad thing to do, proper boundaries are better.

I wouldn’t like this. In fact I wouldn’t tolerate it at all he’d be gone.

How do you even know for certain she’s 44 and married? He could be lying to make it sound more platonic.

I have recently shared a twin room with a female friend when doing a three peaks challenge for charity. We are very close and are very comfortable in each others company but are completely platonic, there are rigid boundaries in place. The fact that she is married had likely suppressed any sexual urges; however, even when she was laid out on the bed in just bra and knickers (because it was a ridiculously hot night), I felt nothing sexual at all even though she is physically attractive (and TBH I'm not sure why). I think you should trust your boyfriend and if you don't, why are you in a relationship? The idea that any relationship between a man and a woman must involve at least some sexual interest by the man is misandy bullshit.

I had a little look and ‘pickmeisha’ is in fact a word (I also thought it sounded made up and assumed a link to ‘geisha’ when I saw it). The origins are difficult to pin down from a quick search but it’s a version of the unfortunate ‘pick me girl’ phrase which I’ve come across a few times since using Mumsnet. That and ‘cool girl/cool wife’ are so divisive and reductive - the idea that a woman is wholly one thing or wholly another, and that each group shows contempt for the other. I think it’s a minority of people who think in such terms, but it’s a shame that there are some who seem unable to engage in civil and nuanced debate. For example, on this issue, I’d be a ‘pick me girl’; I don’t have an issue with opposite sex friends sharing a twin room when in a relationship with others, with caveats like them being good friends, and the partner knowing about it in advance (I do think the OP’s partner is wrong on that count). On something like strip clubs, on the other hand, I’m definitely not a ‘pick me girl’ because I fundamentally disagree with them. So apart from being sexist terms, they’re also just not that helpful.

I agree that the poster you’re responding to shows sexism - both in the reductive and divisive categories they use for women and in their other language. The use of ‘shrieking’ to try to pre-empt and close down any contrary responses they might get is a well-established example of language used to denigrate women.

The psychologist Eric Berne’s book ‘Games People Play’ comes to mind here - there’s a ‘game’ that he calls ‘Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch’ which describes people who need to assert their own views and dominate others without seeking to understand the complexity of the issue. It’s the equivalent of Donald Trump sticking his fingers in his ears or going on a blind attack when he hears something he doesn’t like. To me, the post you’ve responded to (and the poster’s later response) display clear elements of that.

I'm younger than 44 and would not see a 23 yo in a sexual way. I wouldn't have been attracted to someone in their 40s at 23 either. I do know some people do have relationships with such big age gaps but the twin beds also makes it sound like it was innocent.

Yeah, but a 23 and 44 year old? Bit of an age gap. Other way around I get but most women wouldn't have much in common with a 23 year old in their mid 40s.

Even if you were married and old enough to be his mother?

How old is your boyfriend? Not that it makes any difference. Was it just the 2 of them going to the concert and why wasn't you invited?

Going against the grain here but I have 2 male friends I could share a hotel room with and nothing would happen. They are like brothers to me, I love them dearly but zero sexual attraction.
However would this be acceptable in terms of the optics and how it would look to my partner and anybody else, absolutely not.
I certainly wouldn't accept my partner doing it, I would be furious but he is very charming and a dreadful flirt so no way would I tolerate him doing this.

Who bakes cupcakes in a hotel room?

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd the definition of pedantic.

No, you are over thinking it.
"Pick me" as a term of denigration was started by the female Black American community.
"Pickmeisha" is just a way of cutesing up the term in a sarcastic way, turning it into something nearly " government name" like.
Nothing to do with geisha.
Think " Keisha" , pronounced "Kee-sha".
"Keisha" being a common name in the Transatlantic Black Anglosphere, especially in the US.

Correct.

Just a reminder, you're right to think it's fucking weird and unacceptable. Ignore the pickmeisha coolgirl misogynists pretending they don't get it.

I think it's bad that he didn't tell you! I have a male bestie who I would share a room with, and my fella has a female bestie that I know he's shared a room with, but he told me the arrangement before they went. I know 100% that they are just friends and have been since before we got together! You need to ask him why he didn't say anything before.

Exactly. I hate how women are expected to be doormats to men who want to do as they please.

No man who shared a bed with another woman and keep quiet about it would stay my boyfriend.

@Challenger2A7, if his relationship with this gym woman were safe and appropriate, he wouldn’t have disrespected and deceived you like this.

How did you find out that they stayed together in the hotel?

He is a self-serving guy who feels entitled to dupe and lie to you if it serves his agenda.