Boyfriend sharing hotel room for two nights with female "friend"

[Challenger2A7]

I'm 23, and my boyfriend of 3 years has just spent two nights in a London hotel with a woman he says is just a friend. They were going to a big concert together, and she's 44. I don't like this, and I didn't know about it until now. He says it was just to save money. The woman has been married for 20 years, but I don't know what her husband thinks, or if he even knows or cares, but AIBU to wonder if my boyfriend really thinks anything of me? I should add that they shared a twin-bedded room.

I’ve stayed in the same room as a male friend twice. Once single and once when I was in a relationship (early days and booked before we met). Nothing happened either time. He was very respectful and still is a good friend.

The red flag is the secrecy here.

There are so may questions here to
that impact the answer.

1. did he tell you? (I’d expect this but he may have been worried about your response and I think a lot of men/people like an east life)

2. was it booked before he was with you? If so, he should still have told you but not needed to ‘ask’ you.

3. how long has he known her? And what context? For example is she a friend of his mum etc?

4. and it shouldn’t be relevant (but it would be for me) is she his’type’ or generally attractive?

i have men that are my friend that I would comfortably share a twin room with but I would expect that their girlfriends or wives wouldn’t like it.

i probably would have an issue with my DH sharing with a woman but that’s my own insecurities. If she went way back, I would have to have a word with myself.

If my partner went off to London for a couple of nights, sharing a hotel room with another bloke—even if it’s just a mate—I’d have a problem with it, and I wouldn’t pretend otherwise. It’s not about being jealous, it’s about basic respect. You should’ve known about it before, not after. That’s the bit that gets me.

The whole “saving money” excuse? Come on. London’s expensive, sure, but there are plenty of ways to sort things out without sharing a room with someone of the opposite sex, especially if you’re in a relationship. If he cared about how you’d feel, he’d have told you upfront and made sure you were alright with it. That’s just what you do when you’re serious about someone.

Her age and the fact she’s married don’t really change anything. The main thing is your boyfriend should be thinking about you, not leaving you out of the loop. If he’s got nothing to hide, why the secrecy? It’s not about not trusting him—it’s about him showing you that you matter.

You’re not being unreasonable, and you’re not asking for too much. You just want honesty and a bit of respect. If he can’t see why you’re upset, maybe he needs to have a proper think about what it means to be in a relationship. Don’t let him turn it round on you or make you feel like you’re overreacting. Stand your ground. You deserve better than to be left wondering where you stand.

Not ok

Please don’t be niave, they have a way with manipulating women. What ever he says he’s likely lying no matter if he gets mad at you for asking or insists nothing happened. This is cheating.

Not necessarily up to something but why didn't he mention it before and how did you find out?

YANBU! I wouldn’t be happy with this AT ALL!

I'd wonder why he kept it secret from you?
As I've shared rooms (occasionally double bed if needs must) with male platonic friends on many occasions. Frankly we are all adults and the act of sleeping in the same room shouldn't induce immediate sexual contact.

It wasn't even a double bed, and she's married, a lot older.

So if he'd have just said 'me and my mate Barbara (who'd he'd have introduced you to by now if they are close friends) are going to the Slayer gig. We're sharing a room as I know you hate Slayer and so does Barbara's fella so it's much cheaper to share if no-one else is coming.'

Then you would've been OK with it? So it's only the secrecy part that's an alarm bell.

Hes got a Mrs Robinson fetish and is sleeping with her, fifty shades style

Sorry girl, but youre very young, get yourself out there and have fun xx

Oh give over. I don't know about this particular case but I have a male friend if thirty years standing. Once or twice a year we do a weekend somewhere and share a twin bed room. One of dresses while the other is in the shower and so on. It's not hard. Never a sniff of anything non platonic and our partners are fine with it. It's entirely possible.

I have shared hotel rooms with male friends alone for gigs occasionally, separate beds obviously, and it's not an issue, I wouldn't have any problem with DH doing the same with his female friends. But we know each other's friends and it would be an open discussion before booking, out of courtesy, to make sure we're okay with it. Not just doing it and hiding it! I bet they're having it off.

I do think it depends on the dynamic and how well you know this woman, what's their past etc.
My dh has a friend who is 15 yrs older than him, an old work colleague, known forever and absolutely zero chance anything could or would ever happen. I'd be totally OK with them sharing a bed let alone a room tbh. Ve seen them together loads, know her really well and they could have got it on anytime before i appeared when they were single and they never did. It'd be like his sister. London hotels are extortion and a double room for 1 person twice is a bit nuts so I get their logic.
However, a few alarm bells - how come he mentions it now, it sounds like you're already a bit suss about her/don't properly have an understanding of their friendship and maybe haven't met her? I think in which case he probably needed to discuss it and check you're happy first. I sincerely doubt anything happened at all, but clearly the fact he's left you worried is on him, and he should've thought through your feelings first (unless you're a regular worrier!?)

I have had and got very good male friends, ones if happily share a twin room with, ones who I have no romantic or sexual inclination towards.....men and women CAN be just friends, it's hiding it that makes it suspicious

I have shared a room with a male friend and my husband has shared rooms with female friends. In itself I don’t see it as an issue.

However, I would have a problem with not being told about this plan and the age difference seems odd as (assuming he is your age) she is old enough to be his mother and a male/female friendship where you are close enough to share a room would strike me as odd with this age difference.

It's impossible for strangers who don't know them to judge.

What I want to know is why, when one of these contentious questions arises, MN divides into 2 camps, neither of which can see the other camp's viewpoint?

FWIW, one of the best days & nights of my life involved a day of sport, which ended with half the club going to a local hostelry for a meal, which was delayed by the kitchens for hours so they compensated us with free drinks, which resulted in a lovely time being had by all. However, it meant that a male friend and I were unable to drive, so a duty driver from the club gave us a lift to my friends place where we had a bit more fun & music, and then went to bed in his double bed, no clothes, no problem, nothing happened because that wasn't what it was about.

He'd say that it was one of his best days/nights, too. Not everything in life is cheating and nasty.

How old is he?
How long have you been together?
How serious is your relationship?

I’ve done it for quite a few years from fresh out of uni with some really good uni mates. The saving in costs would have been a huge issue.

But then it’s only you who knows your bf and he should have told you.

No, this is completely weird!

@Challenger2A7, you’ve received a lot of feedback. What are you thinking about it now?

I don’t think that them sharing a room necessarily means they’re having sex. I’ve shared rooms (and even beds) with plenty of male friends over the years - to save hotel costs, or because it’s the only spare room at someone’s house or whatever - and it’s been entirely platonic. Men and women really can just be friends! However, I don’t think I’d do it with someone who had a partner. Not worth the upset and paranoia it would potentially cause her.

My (soon to be ex) boyfriend met her at the gym. I know her by sight, and she's the last woman you'd think would be any threat. She's fat and loud-mouthed, but I don't think men care all that much, if she's available for sex. She does actually have a husband, that's true. I find the entire situation very odd indeed.

Why is everyone saying he's 23? Isn't that the op?

Probably a good decision, you don't want fat loud-mouthed friends.

Hmmmm I even shared a hotel bed with a male friend before many years ago.

Nothing happened, we literally just turned our backs to each other and fell asleep.