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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

279 replies

egghampton · 09/07/2025 12:37

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 09/07/2025 12:39

He will never marry you. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. His story is tragic but that doesn't excuse how he treats you.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 09/07/2025 12:41

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

We can't answer that, only he can. If he refuses to even discuss his reasons, that is unreasonable. But ultimately if you are so set on marriage and he is so set against it, there is no compromise. You either accept it or leave him and hope to find someone who does want marriage.

LandSharksAnonymous · 09/07/2025 12:41

the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

He's told you what to do.

He may not want to re-marry to protect his son's inheritance, or to ensure his son doesn't feel like his mother is being replaced, or tbh for any reason. And that's entirely his choice. If you can't live with that, then you need to move on.

And stop asking him about it - he's probably being blunt because he's sick of you asking and he's made his opinion clear.

Finally, being married won't make you any less of a 'third wheel' and tbh you should be a third wheel. His priority should be his son, not you.

I've just re-read your final line. He pays for everything. You're already being grasping. I wouldn't want to marry you either - tbh it comes across as you just want to marry him for your own financial security after contributing nothing.

princesspadam · 09/07/2025 12:41

If he wanted to he would.
regardless of any back story or trauma

move on now

ArabiattaPrawn · 09/07/2025 12:41

He's set out his stall quite clearly. Perhaps he feels it would be dishonouring his wife to remarry after she died in such tragic circumstances, or maybe he thinks remarrying would be too difficult for his child. If he won't tell you what his objections are then there's not much you can do, but if marriage is a deal-breaker for you then he's probably right and you should split.

Catcatcat111 · 09/07/2025 12:41

I think your partner is being up-front and you need to make your choice based on the face you will not get married. It does sound like you want marriage for financial security more than anything else, could you increase your own earning power.

Stressedoutmama123 · 09/07/2025 12:42

OP is marriage none negotiable for you? If yes then you need to break up. He doesn’t want to marry you and they maybe not black and white but due to his previous wife. Maybe he feels it would be replacing her etc.

Can you go through life not ever getting married? I think that’s the biggest question if the rest of the relationship is fine

ByLimeAnt · 09/07/2025 12:42

Forgive me OP, but why would you get anything?

PollyBell · 09/07/2025 12:42

Commonsense22 · 09/07/2025 12:39

He will never marry you. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. His story is tragic but that doesn't excuse how he treats you.

He is being honest why is that an issue?

MissyB1 · 09/07/2025 12:42

Hes told you very clearly that he won't marry you, listen to him. I don't blame you for wanting to be married, I would feel the same. But this guy wont be your husband. And you are in a vulnerable financial situation, you have two options.
1: stay and accept the situation will never change.
2: leave and start again by yourself, you might even meet someone that you eventually marry. But either way at least you will have your dignity.

ShanghaiDiva · 09/07/2025 12:43

He’s been quite clear with you. You either accept the current arrangement or move on. Hoping he will change his mind is pointless.

EggnogNoggin · 09/07/2025 12:44

Honestly?He's probably closed to it to

  1. protect his and his son's finances/inheritance
  2. there's no benefit for him. You're living there, which probably means youre doing more housework and paying toward the house/bills than he would have to do alone.

To sum up, finances and convenience.

ouch321 · 09/07/2025 12:44

He can, he just doesn't want to.
He thinks you're not marriage material. That not meant to sound horrible, I've been there done that, t-shirt kind of thing. It's beyond crap. He's literally telling you he thinks you're beneath him. People suck. Much sympathy

Rolypoly27 · 09/07/2025 12:45

Another thread that boggles my mind how couples can be together for 4 years and not talk about the future or marriage

DiscoBob · 09/07/2025 12:45

No he won't change his mind. Why is it so important to be married to him? Surely unless he's absolutely ecstatic about the idea why would you do it?

You say you feel like a third wheel in the family. Why would a piece of paper stop you from feeling that way? If it was a good idea you'd already fully feel integrated into his family.

BeachPossum · 09/07/2025 12:46

Sorry OP. It sounds like he has been really clear about the subject. None of us can answer why, but that's where he is. Please don't wait in the hope that he changes his mind. He won't. Find someone who really wants to be with you and share a life with you.

toastofthetown · 09/07/2025 12:47

You should accept that he isn’t interested in marrying you and be grateful that he is honest about it and not kicking the can down the road. Then it’s up to you. Do you want to stay with him and not marry, or is marriage so important to you that you want to end the relationship over it.

As for the future, you’re totally right that you can’t rely on him for protection so it’s for you to save what you can for yourself. If you’re not eating much does that mean you’ve reduced your hours? I’d expect everything of his to go to his son rather than you. I would prioritise my son over my spouse for inheritance too, as would most people.

JHound · 09/07/2025 12:48

You have a choice.

Your current boyfriend and no marriage.

Leave him and find somebody who shares your views on marriage.

Asking why he does not want to marry you is just a waste of both your time.

He does not want to marry you. It’s that simple. Accept it and move on.

ZenNudist · 09/07/2025 12:48

I wouldn't marry in his shoes either. You need to feather your own nest. If he's paying for everything this should give you opportunity to save up for your own future.

In your position I'd find someone to build a more equal partnership with and male it clear you want to marry from the outset!

HarpieDuJour · 09/07/2025 12:49

It's better that he is honest with you, but please don't waste your life hoping he will change his mind. It is time for you to start looking at housing options, and moving towards being independent. Start to plan what you will do with your future - do you want to study, move to a new area or apply for promotion at work?
There are things you can do to improve your own life, and create a fulfilling future for yourself, but the sad truth is that this man doesn't want to be married to you. You may well have a husband and children in your future, but you need to look elsewhere for that.

BeachPossum · 09/07/2025 12:49

ByLimeAnt · 09/07/2025 12:42

Forgive me OP, but why would you get anything?

She's not expecting to get anything now, she's pointing out that because they're unmarried she's not protected if he were to die, or if she were to pay rent / repairs etc on his house and then break up. She's just recognising that as an unmarried woman she doesn't have the same financial protection she would if they were married.

Userengage · 09/07/2025 12:49

Good god, some of these replies surprise me. He had actually told you that he doesn’t want to marry you which, although sad for you, is very honest of him. He’s been quite clear. He has a child and probably intends for him to inherit everything. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just direct and truthful.

If you want to get married it won’t be to him so move on if this doesn’t suit you.

LondonLady1980 · 09/07/2025 12:50

He possibly feels guilty? Maybe his reluctance to marry is wrapped up in residual grief?

Maybe he doesn’t want to feel like he’s replacing the wife he lost.

Maybe he doesn’t want his son to think his mother is being replaced?

Maybe he’s protecting his son’s inheritance. I think this is the most likely. I think it’s quite common for divorced/widowed people to never re-marry as they want the children to be the inheritors of finance and property, and don’t anything jeopardising that.

ByLimeAnt · 09/07/2025 12:52

BeachPossum · 09/07/2025 12:49

She's not expecting to get anything now, she's pointing out that because they're unmarried she's not protected if he were to die, or if she were to pay rent / repairs etc on his house and then break up. She's just recognising that as an unmarried woman she doesn't have the same financial protection she would if they were married.

Show quote history

Sorry, I probably misread the original post. I interpreted "if anything should happen" as "if we were to break up (unmarried).

JHound · 09/07/2025 12:52

I also put YABU for wasting your own time and struggling with the concept that not everybody has the same relationship goals.

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