My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

[egghampton]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

No. No it’s not. She’s been living there for six months, she didn’t contribute to buying the family home, or putting money into the family savings pot, the child is not hers and she hasn’t raised him.

Why on earth should she waltz in now and expect to have a claim on anything, married or not?

its a completely different scenario to a couple who had a family together, raised them, bought a house together etc etc. In that scenario of course everything would be split on divorce, or inherited on death. This is not that.

It isn't this man’s job to provide another grown adult who’s only just moved in with “security”. I say this as a single middle aged woman myself. Anyone I marry now will likely have children and I wouldn’t in a million years expect their Dad’s assets to come to me.

I realise I sound harsh but the tone of the OP sounds off to me. Nothing about loving the man, nothing about loving the poor child who lost his mother so tragically or wanting to be a good step-mother to him.

Instead:
“its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.”

I suspect this is why he doesn’t want to marry her.

You have an intimate emotional relationship with a man who is treating you like a housekeeper. Of course he should marry you if he thinks anything of you and your future security.its a powerful legal document that gives you the right of next of kin. Otherwise this is an unequal disrespectful relationship as he knows your feelings.
If it is romantic in terms that he feels it would be disrespectful his late wife then it’s still not good enough.
I would think very seriously about leaving him. It is only OK in a couple relationship of both want to stay single. It doesn’t show commitment. You could suggest a civil partnership. It is about respecting the relationship socially and publically. I think your feelings about this are right. Or perhaps you could offer to withdraw all emotional support and ask for a salary as his housekeeper?

Of course he won't marry you. A smart man. Why would he?

And how are you 'vulnerable', exactly? You've been living him not for the past 16 years, not even 6 years, but 6 MONTHS, half a year. What were you doing before, presumably living somewhere on your own and supporting yourself?

Now you live for free, he pays for everything, as you say. The fact you 'earn little' is not his fault or problem. Everything he owns, was built by him and his late wife. You waltzed in, and expect him to share his money/property? But why on earth? You didn't bring a red cent, didn't help to accumulate that wealth, didn't have his children, so your career wasn't on hold because of child care.

Earn your own!

My dad is in a similar situation. He's wealthy (multiple properties all over Europe, businesses, that sort of thing). He earned it himself. Unsurprisingly, he has quite a few of such young glam women twirling around, promising 'eternal love'. Which cools considerably, when they find out he won't ever marry them (prenups are unenforceable where he is). Cheeky fuckery of the highest degree, Cinderellas with primark slippers, expecting take half of what they haven't earned (and never will).

Where do you get any of that? She didn’t say anything about housekeeping, just that he pays for everything. For all you know she might spend her days getting pedicures and watching daytime TV.

Agreed. Leave OP.

Money really isn't the only or even necessarily the most important essential and valuable thing to bring to a relationship.

That's quite a big assumption. Maybe she is a really stable and loving motherly presence in the child's life, and earns less because she has taken on the role of caring for the family. Maybe her financial value is in the cooking, cleaning, laundering, childcare whose cost is only appreciated when it has to be farmed out to strangers.

I was concerned at his comment that they'd have to split up rather than marry, as it seems as if he has given no thought to the damage it would do to his son to lose a second mother figure at so young an age.

His son is his responsibility. Not sure why you'd think he should hand over half his son's inheritance to OP because she does housework and is kind to his son? The son is 12 and doesn't need childcare and I'm not sure why a single parent particularly needs a partner at home doing housework - most of us managed to work AND do our cooking and cleaning - so she's hardly bringing value that he can't provide himself.

Face it, OP is not a good bet to marry.

this was supposed to quote @Stormroses post but it vanished while I was editing

Money really isn't the only or even necessarily the most important essential and valuable thing to bring to a relationship

You're quite right, @Stormroses, and as you said there are other aspects which can be just as valuable

Strange, though, that OP made no comment about anything else she contributes, how much she loves her OH or his DS or anything else ... just that he won't marry her and she's worried she'd "get nothing"

Clearly OP's gone (maybe the replies didn't suit if this was real at all?) but overall I'd say that's pretty revealing

Or maybe he isn’t concerned about her son losing a second mother figure because she isn’t one.
She feels like a third wheel, which makes me think she isn’t really that involved.

Yeah, I didn’t get any mothering vibes from the original post. No concern for, or affection for, the child expressed at all. It’s one of the reasons it jarred so much. A child in that position needs so much love.

No real love or affection vibes for the boyfriend either.

No one should get married unless they want to

What should you do? (1) Listen to what he's repeatedly told you (2) accept that he doesn't want to remarry and (3) become financially independent

No real love or affection vibes for the boyfriend either.

It does seem a feature of Mumsnet. Women desperate to get married to men they don't like very much. 🤯

Hi OP. If I had a girl friend who had been widowed with a small child who's new partner was repeatedly pushing for marriage whilst living in a house they did not appear to contribute much to the financing of I would see several red flags. In this context being worried that you may not get anything if the DP dies or ends the relationship also raises a red flag.

“For protection”

women are constantly told they need marriage to protect themselves.

fuck that. I can protect myself thanks. Work and financial independence is a better choice imo. Marriages end. Even if you don’t divorce the days of final salary and spousal pensions will end and there will be thousands of women trying to exist on state pensions.

increasingly becoming convinced marriage is an outdated concept. Keeping women down.

I’m astounded that it’s taken 4 years to have this conversation if I’m honest!

Also it is quite destabilising for the child as well for a woman in his Dad’s life to just leave and after they’ve been living together for 6 months. I’m not that impressed with the Dad in this scenario to be honest. Everyone keeps piling on the OP and making these sweeping assumptions which is classic MN. We have very little info.

Why should you get anything that him (and probably his wife) worked towards? You'd be better off leaving the relationship now and working to increase your earning power and find someone that does want to marry you in the future.

No you won’t get anything - you’re not married. You need to stand on your own two feet.

He’s been clear, he doesn’t want to remarry. It’s your decision to either stay or go.

Hard to know. We haven't shared their home for the past four years!

Neither has o/p. She only moved in 6 months ago.

I’ve had this happen many times and finally worked out that if you go back and find the post you’re replying to and hit quote again it will put the quote back in the post you’re in the middle of typing.

Yes this - and I think if anything it’s a big assumption to suggest she may earn less because she has taken on a caring role.
Surely she would have mentioned that as it’s highly relevant to the situation? And they have been together for 4 years but she only moved in earlier this year - I really doubt she was working less to look after his son while living in separate houses.

And in addition to her 3rd wheel comment and not mentioning a strong bond with the son - again - she only moved in 6 months ago so it’s unlikely she’s a second mother figure.

So we can only go on what Op has told us and make reasonable interferences from the details they shared. They have not been back to reply at all!

Maybe they didn’t get the responses they hoped for, but we can only go on what they’ve posted.

@egghampton are you coming back to the thread?

Re. My post above - too late to edit but I meant inferences not interferences. Thanks predictive text lol Excuse all the typos!

Good parents put their children’s interests first just because they are their children not because they expect something back in the future .

If they are good parents then they put the interests of their family and their spouses first. It would be unreasonable, for example, to refuse a job promotion because it meant your DC had to move school.