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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

279 replies

egghampton · 09/07/2025 12:37

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

OP posts:

Velvian · 09/07/2025 12:53

You should not 'get anything ' @egghampton after 6 months of living in his house. He has a son, who would hopefully inherit both of his parents' legacy. It would be awful if you were to inherit in favour of him.

Retrain, increase your hours, whatever you can do to become financially independent. Maybe you need to end the relationship to start a life with someone without a family and established home to build a life together.

JHound · 09/07/2025 12:54

ouch321 · 09/07/2025 12:44

He can, he just doesn't want to.
He thinks you're not marriage material. That not meant to sound horrible, I've been there done that, t-shirt kind of thing. It's beyond crap. He's literally telling you he thinks you're beneath him. People suck. Much sympathy

Or maybe he just does not want to marry.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/07/2025 12:55

Wow!!!

why would you ‘get anything’?!?

I take it you’re only with him for his money, so he is wise to not marry you.

most people with assets and kids don’t want to get married a second time round. I certainly won’t.

Carandache18 · 09/07/2025 12:55

If I were you, however I managed to live 6 months ago, I'd go back to that now. I'd work to achieve my own independence.
It's good that he is being honest with you, but really, it would be very unwise of him to marry you, for his own sake and his son's.

HoskinsChoice · 09/07/2025 12:56

You've only lived with him for 6 months but you're already talking about having a claim on his house?! Wow. Have some self respect. This man has clearly already been through huge trauma. He does not need a woman who is eyeing up his assets before she's even spent Christmas with him!

LeaderBee · 09/07/2025 12:56

I never plan to marry, doesn't mean I aren't necessarily committed to someone, I just don't want to get married, and that's OK.

HoskinsChoice · 09/07/2025 12:56

Posted twice!

JHound · 09/07/2025 12:58

Rolypoly27 · 09/07/2025 12:45

Another thread that boggles my mind how couples can be together for 4 years and not talk about the future or marriage

Too many people who just “assume” their way of being in a relationship is the correct way and everybody wants that. So they never bother to have these discussions.

AgnesX · 09/07/2025 12:58

Your options are pretty limited really. What he wants is different from what you want.

I think you need to look at your finances and look at the practicalities of moving out. Hopefully you have some savings.

You have no call on his property and he's no intention of letting you either so hopefully that knowledge will help how you look at your future.

QueenCarmel · 09/07/2025 12:58

He’s conserving his money for his son. Do you want children?

I think it’s time to move on.

Poonu · 09/07/2025 12:59

He's literally told you no.
Leave.
This one's on you.

outerspacepotato · 09/07/2025 12:59

You don't have to understand. You thought he would remarry but you were and are wrong.

He is NOT going to marry you.

He is not going to change his mind.

You are wasting your time if you want to get married, this is not the man for that. He is raising a son and he's got trauma around how his wife died. Stop bugging him.

He is providing you a living space and pays for everything. You're living off him. You had better be saving and looking for a better job and be able to support yourself because you will get nothing if something happened to him.

With you bugging so hard to be married, I expect your relationship won't last.

GoldDuster · 09/07/2025 12:59

if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

If he married you the inheritance that he would presumably pass to his son, would deviate to you. He probably does not want this.

He has been very clear from the outset, he does not want to marry you. He's within his rights to not want to marry you.

If you would like to hang about and see if he changes his mind that is up to you, but all things point to the contrary. You can either set yourself up as financially independant so you're not looking for money to marry, and accept the relationship is what it is and you won't be his wife, or you can move on and look for a prospect that better suits your requirements. Your choice, he hasn't misled you.

EaglesSwim · 09/07/2025 12:59

he owns the house ---i dont really earn that much

If the situation were reversed you'd be mad to marry him. So...

He could well be desperate to marry you, but the financial situation makes in a non-starter.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/07/2025 13:00

Why should you get anything if you’re not contributing? If he does indeed pay for anything, then anything you earn can be going straight into savings/pension to ensure your financial security. He’s protecting his son’s interests, which is exactly what he should be doing.

If a woman posted that she’d moved a man into her house with her child and she was paying for everything but the man was pushing for marriage we’d all be screaming at her to run a mile from the gold digging dead weight. Don’t think it will be any different the other way round. You are an adult. You are responsible for your own financial security.

Motnight · 09/07/2025 13:00

Commonsense22 · 09/07/2025 12:39

He will never marry you. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. His story is tragic but that doesn't excuse how he treats you.

I don't think that he is treating Op badly from what she has said? He has made it clear that he doesn't want to marry her. He's probably frustrated that the conversation around it keeps going on. He has made his choice. Op also has a choice to make.

MyCyanReader · 09/07/2025 13:01

egghampton · 09/07/2025 12:37

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

Ahhh, so there's the crux of it. It's about money? Why would you expect to get something if you split up? If he's paying for everything then you're getting a very good deal.

He doesn't want to marry again. YABU for pushing this and need to accept his decision. Sounds like he is putting the security of his son first, which is very sensible given what happened.

If marriage is so important to you, then you need to leave this relationship.

S1K1PPSO · 09/07/2025 13:02

The answer is in your OP.

he does have a son who is 12 now

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

☝️This is why.

he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up

☝️These are your options.

sowdrayned · 09/07/2025 13:02

You’re free loading OP.

TheMaskedAvenger · 09/07/2025 13:03

I think you're asking the wrong question @egghampton

He doesn't want to marry you. He's made that crystal clear. You need to accept that as his response.

The question now should be what are you going to do?

Stormroses · 09/07/2025 13:04

It's unclear whether you have become a stepmother to his son. If you have, splitting up over this sole issue would cause the boy yet another very distressing loss of a key woman in his life. That is worth discussing properly with your partner. If he expects, or has allowed you to perform the role of mother and create a strong secure bond with his child then he should offer you the security of marriage and it would be brutally selfish to rupture that relationship as casually as he suggests.

If he has kept you at arm's length from parenting his son, then I think you need to acknowledge that you are not as central in his life as you hoped to be, and take him at his word and make plans to leave.

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 09/07/2025 13:05

You say that you feel like a 3rd wheel in his family, which after 4 years is a shame. But getting married to him won’t change that. And he’s said he doesn’t want to get married. He might change his mind but… if he doesn’t? How long are you prepared to wait and see if he does? Is there any reason he would change his mind about this that you can think of?

BabyCatFace · 09/07/2025 13:05

He's not going to marry you because you don't earn much money and he has a child to think about, who lost his mum. Marrying you would be irresponsible of him. Marriage is a legal contract not a romantic gesture and at the moment you're not a good prospect for him to tie himself to legally - you would benefit hugely from marriage and he and his son would suffer. Until you're an equal prospect for marriage let it drop - you're expecting something completely unreasonable.

Also don't have a baby with him.

noidea69 · 09/07/2025 13:06

"its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing."

I mean i'm glad you got to the real issue by the end of your post.

I'm going to suggest your partner doesnt want to get married as he wants to ensure that if anything does happen to him, it will be his son that is taken care of, as you, an adult, should be able to take care of yourself.

TheMaskedAvenger · 09/07/2025 13:06

Plus I agree with the others.

He probably doesn't want to marry so he can keep his assets for his DS. It's actually a very wise move and what most people would advise. He really has no upside to getting married again just potential downside. It would be too risky for him.

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